BEER, BIAKABUTUKA AND NEW BRYLCREEM BROTHERS.

Byline: Michael Ventre

Word floats on parade: If the owners of the Kings are serious about letting Wayne Gretzky go, then why didn't they just buy the Ice Dogs? What's the point? Why would you spend millions for a franchise, and then tear out its heart, its main source of leadership, and its star gate attraction? If I'm Philip F. Anschutz and Edward P. Roski Jr., I don't even negotiate with Gretzky. I just find out what he wants and give it to him. Then I ask him what he feels the Kings need to be winners, and then go out and get that. Anything less would be an insult to Kings fans who have endured quite enough misery and heartache for one century. . . .

I'm waiting for a beer commercial in which that guy says "I love you, man!" to one of the Budweiser frogs. I mean, why doesn't he just go out and buy a Bud Light? . . .

Ben Wright is proof that insensitive remarks don't sound any better with a British accent. . . .

Joe Montana is one of those rare men who have a lot of charisma and almost no personality. . . .

Sign at The Sports Section in Inglewood: "Nice Weather Back East. Is that UConn or Yukon?"

I don't know who will prevail when Fritz Shurmur's Green Bay defense battles Ernie Zampese's Dallas offense Sunday. I do know that the gib losers are the Rams for deciding that neither was worth keeping. . . .

There will be a commercial in which Jimmy Johnson and Pat Riley endorse some sort of petroleum product. There has to be. . . .

Read where Rickey Henderson is the latest to be investigated by the IRS for unreported income from signing autographs. Eventually you'll see a star athlete who has to sell his autograph to raise money to help pay the IRS for unreported income from signing autographs. . . .

The Supreme Court refused to review Mike Tyson's rape conviction. It did agree, however, to issue an opinion on the Peter McNeeley fight. Unfortunately, it's unprintable. . . .

Jack Lemmon, who failed to make the cut at Pebble Beach for 23 consecutive years, will miss the tournament this year because he will be filming "Hamlet" in England. I'd like to be on the set just to see if he gets mixed up and says, "To lay up, or not to lay up. That is the question." . . .

The people who are the most upset that Michigan's Tshimanga Biakabutuka will enter the NFL draft are TV play-by-play guys who have to pronounce that name. . . .

A very pleasant alternative to the crazies on morning radio are Chuck Moshontz and Nicole Sandler on KSCA 101.9 FM. . . .

I guess a natural sequel would be "Waiting to Inhale." . . .

Like Tom Landry, Don Shula will be remembered for his great successes and not the disappointments late in his career. The years of Csonka and Kiick and Warfield and Griese and the No-Name Defense are enough to protect Shula 's reputation for posterity. . . .

The Indianapolis Colts are vying to become the first dome team to advance to the Super Bowl. If Wayne Huizenga's Dolphins had advanced, they might have been the first Super Bowl team with a dome. . . .

This year's USC-UCLA basketball games are going to be a lot of fun to watch. . . .

If the Ice Bowl were played today, it would probably be known as the DeBeers Ice Bowl. . . .

Magic Johnson should stay away from the Lakers. For his own mental health. . . .

Add Lakers: Aside from Nick Van Exel - who certainly isn't blameless in this current malaise - I would put any other Laker on the trading block. . . .

Steve Spurrier will remain in college football until he lives down the Nebraska defeat. Florida officials are working on a lifetime contract. . . .

Soccer's CONCACAF Gold Cup is taking place now in Southern California. CONCACAF reminds me of the sound my Uncle Louis used to make when he smoked his cigar too fast. . . .

Cameron Dollar, please come home. . . .

The bout between Oscar De La Hoya and Julio Cesar Chavez will be shown only on closed-circuit TV in arenas and theaters. I would advise buying the small bag of popcorn at that one. . . .

Sam Skinner, who died this week after a series of strokes, was a legendary radio reporter in the Bay Area and one of the nicest men you could ever meet. He will be missed. . . .

Much of the mail coming out of Wisconsin is bearing messages such as "Go Packers Go!" A similar phenomenon is occurring in Oakland, with urgings such as "Go, Raiders. Please. Now. Hurry."