BATTLE OF SEXES SHAPING UP OVER EFFORT TO FIX DOG; WEALTHY WHITE MALES GROWLING, SEE MOVE AS DE-POWERMENT OF SPECIES.

Byline: JANE ROBISON

IT'S no secret that rich white males want to control the universe.

However, until a confidential internal memo from the American Humane Association landed in my lap, I had no idea the extent of domination and power by wealthy white males over every aspect of American society.

According to the American Humane Association, the only people who oppose having their dogs spayed and neutered in Los Angeles are wealthy white males.

This according to Gini Barrett, director of the American Humane Association's Western Regional Office, who says men of this ilk ``fancy themselves responsible.''

As the wife of former state Assemblyman Richard Katz, Gini Barrett no doubt has seen her share of rich white guys who fancy themselves responsible. Men who lobbied her husband for various bills and favors. Men who donated to her husband's several re-election campaigns, thinking they were doing the responsible thing. Men who moved in high circles of power and prestige, along with her husband and people in the film industry, where Gini Barrett also has a high position of responsibility.

So when Gini Barrett talks, people listen. And when she says only wealthy white males oppose a proposed $500 fine to keep their male dogs in a state of perpetual bliss, who am I to argue?

Actually, it makes sense. Rich white guys are afraid a snip and tuck on their dogs will open the door to wholesale de-powerment of an entire species, namely, rich white guys.

I never thought I'd be on the side of wealthy white males, but I can understand their concerns. With the advent of sperm banks and cloning, who needs men?

On the other hand, I have several friends who think men are pigs. And they make a damn good case to back it up.

You know what's going on here. This whole battle over how much to charge people for having unspayed or unneutered puppy mills is shaping up to be a colossal battle of the sexes.

Rich white women believe in having every part of their anatomy surgically altered, enhanced, glorified and/or reduced. If it's good enough for them, why not their dogs? It is, after all, the responsible thing to do.

Requiring every dog owner who wants to keep his or her pet a potential puppy producer to pay $500 certainly will help cut down on the mongrel population. No more cute puppies being handed out free in front of supermarkets by people who thought their dogs were tied up at night.

Of course, that's how I got my dog. Cutest, sweetest, most intelligent pup ever born. A little headstrong, but I solved that problem when I went to obedience school and I learned how to behave. (I also had him neutered as soon as he was old enough.)

I'm not rich, nor have I been surgically enhanced, (mainly because I'm not rich), but I fancy myself responsible. And I think eliminating mangey mutts means anyone who wants an adorable, elitist puppy will have to pay for the privilege.

Which means if the Humane Association's plan goes through, rich white men will be the only ones able to afford puppies.

Ironic, isn't it? No matter how you tinker with the world, wealthy white males end up winning.