BASER INSTINCTS HERE'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN GREED WINS OUT WITH $EQUELS.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Writer

Ever wonder what happened to Catherine Tramell, the oversexed, ice-pick-wielding, crazier-than-a-bag-of-squirrels maniac from "Basic Instinct"? Me neither.

And yet, here we are, 14 years past the Paul Verhoeven-Joe Eszterhas soft-core thriller, and look what's showing up like an unwanted guest on our doorstep - "Basic Instinct 2," arriving in theaters on Friday.

Has there ever been a more unnecessary sequel? And by "unnecessary," I don't mean unwanted or unloved. Hollywood is littered with uninspired follow-ups to successful movies. There's the "Batman" series, the "Jaws" movies, the last three "Star Wars" pictures, the sad offspring of Freddy and Jason and at least five too many trips to the "Police Academy." Die hard? Truer words have never been spoken.

And yet, there may be no sequel so despised as the unnecessary sequel. It could be a second chapter in a story that required no further exposition or a crass attempt to cash in on a gimmick whose novelty could barely survive the first film, much less a follow-up. While all sequels are motivated by money, these cash-ins are particularly odious. It'd be like Tim Allen making another "Santa Clause" movie - which he is, by the way. It arrives in November, at which point, this list will be duly updated.

As for now, here are the 20 most unnecessary sequels in movie history.

"The Sting 2" (1983), "Butch and Sundance: The Early Days" (1979): Davis and Gleason. Katt and Berenger. Just doesn't have the same ring as Newman and Redford, does it? Slavishly imitative, particularly Oliver Reed's dreadful Robert Shaw impersonation in "The Sting II." Talk about a con.

"Oliver's Story" (1978): Even those who came away from "Love Story" thinking that "love means never having to say you're sorry" was some kind of profound truth were put off by the idea of a sequel. The whole point of the first movie was to kill The Greatest Love of All. Short of performing an exorcism and bringing Ali MacGraw back from the grave ... wait a minute, now, I'm just thinking out loud here, stop me if you think I'm crazy, but try this on for size: "The Exorcist: A Love Story."

"Look Who's Talking Too" (1990): The movie that answered a question no one dared to ask: What's more annoying than listening to Bruce Willis make cute with the jaundiced baby talk? How about listening to Willis, Roseanne Barr and Damon Wayans prattle on about potty training and poopy diapers? Amazingly, there was a third film in the series, "Look Who's Talking Now," which transferred the voiceover gimmick from tots to pets. This was John Travolta's career before "Pulp Fiction." It's also, more or less, his career after "Pulp Fiction," though he cashes bigger paychecks for headlining this kind of dreck.

"Grease 2" (1982): "Grease" may have been the word, but "Grease 2" merely flipped the characters - this time, the boy's a priss and the girl's a greaser. Pulls off the near-impossible feat of running two hours without a halfway decent song. At least Michelle Pfeiffer would redeem herself by purring "Making Whoopee" in "The Fabulous Baker Boys."

Maxwell Caulfield would not be so easily forgiven.

"Home Alone 2: Lost in New York" (1992): Look, there comes a point when this forgetting-the-kid thing stops being funny and the authorities bring the parents up on child endangerment charges.

"Home Alone 3" (1997): That point has been reached. Although the film's premise - the "Home Alone" kid battles North Korean terrorists for a microchip that will allow nuclear missiles to launch undetected by radar - just gets funnier by the minute, doesn't it?

"Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" (2004): The first film put Renee Zellweger's Bridget through a horrific parade of humiliation on her way to a Happy Ending. The sequel undoes it all, heaps on the degradation with even more gusto and then gives us the same Happy Ending. Explain why women love this character again?

"Weekend at Bernie's 2" (1993): Something stinks here, and it's not Bernie's moldering body. Quite possibly the longest, lamest one-joke movie in film history.

"Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2" (2000): Everyone died at the end of "The Blair Witch Project" which meant they were lucky enough not to be around for the horror of this follow-up, hurried into theaters a year after the low-budget original became a left-field hit. Without the gimmick of the "found footage," "Book of Shadows" veers between formula and incomprehensibility. Makes you want to leave a bundle of sticks on the filmmakers' doorsteps.

"Caddyshack II" (1988): No Bill Murray. No Ted Knight. No story to speak of. Rodney Dangerfield backed out at the last minute because Harold Ramis wouldn't let him tweak the godawful script. For bailing, Dangerfield gets our eternal respect.

"Speed 2: Cruise Control" (1997): Jan de Bont's original was a sturdy " 'Die Hard' on a Bus" thriller. But the self-contained story did not warrant a sequel. They made one anyway, even when Keanu Reeves turned his back on the idea. And Keanu is supposed to be the dim one?

"Arthur 2: On the Rocks" (1988): A case of taking the good will originated by the genial 1981 original and throwing it on the trash heap. Nobody wants to see Arthur A) sober, B) penniless, and, C) talking to the ghost of John Gielgud.

"U.S. Marshals" (1998): This sequel came on heels of the success of "The Fugitive" with Harrison Ford. But imagine the upcoming "Pirates of the Caribbean" sequel without Johnny Depp or, say, "The Searchers 2" starring Jeffrey Hunter, and you've got the idea.

"Blues Brothers 2000" (1998): Hard to know which is more offensive: Dan Aykroyd stepping on the grave of John Belushi or the film itself, with its harmonica-playing orphan. Let's go with Aykroyd.

"Ensign Pulver" (1964): Named after the character Jack Lemmon played in the 1955 war dramedy, only Lemmon isn't along for the ride here - and neither is Henry Fonda's Mr. Roberts. Notable mostly now for brief appearances by the unlikely trio of Jack Nicholson, George (Goober) Lindsey and future "Hollywood Squares" host Peter Marshall.

"Staying Alive" (1983): Disco died and so did "Saturday Night Fever's" "Tony Manero, who went from being the coolest cat who ever wore white polyester to a struggling Broadway dancer in a show called "Satan's Alley." Directed by Sylvester Stallone, who knows a thing or two about unnecessary sequels.

"SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2" (2004): "Baby Geniuses" might just be one of the most despised movies of all time, not just by critics, but by people who sat through it. (Its Internet Movie Database rating: 2.3 ... and, yes, that's out of 10.) This sequel, then, is like taking a soiled diaper and rubbing it in our faces, but the joke was on the financiers. The movie bombed, and it currently resides at No. 4 on IMDb's bottom 100 list.

"The Gods Must Be Crazy II" (1989): In which much labor, effort and money went into duplicating the innocent charms of a left-field hit and, instead, produced (predictably) a movie that left you questioning your sanity for enjoying the original.

"City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold" (1994): "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" with wimps spouting jokes and homilies that make you long for the campfire scene in "Blazing Saddles."

"Cocoon: The Return" (1998): In which the old-timers from the first movie give up eternal youth and return to Earth. Probably because there weren't any sequels on the planet Anterea.

Sounds like paradise to me.

Glenn Whipp [phone]

glenn.whipp(at)dailynews.com

CAPTION(S):

12 photos

Photo:

(1 -- cover -- color) CROSSED UP

Hollywood loves sequels, but here are 20 bad second acts

(2) Sharon Stone is the oversexed Catherine Tramell in ``Basic Instinct.''

(3) BUTCH AND SUNDANCE THE EARLY DAYS

(4) ``Grease 2''

(5) ``Home Alone 3''

(6) ``Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason''

(7) ``Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2''

(8) ``Speed 2: Cruise Control''

(9) ``Arthur 2: On the Rocks''

(10) ``Blues Brothers 2000''

(11) ``City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly's Gold''

(12) ``Cocoon: The Return''