BASEBALL'S SECOND HALF ENTIRELY TOO CLEAR.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

OK, here we go. Baseball's second half now is under way, and naturally, you're wondering how things are going to shake down.

No problem, we live to serve. These things are positively guaranteed to happen over the next three months, or you can have my exclusive taped interview of Ichiro Suzuki (tape time: 3 minutes, 35 seconds, and hope you love hearing questions).

-- Barry Bonds will not break Mark McGwire's single-season 70-homer record. The baseball gods will not allow it.

Does anyone out there really want to see him pull it off? I'd rather watch NASCAR. Spend your entire life acting like a punk and no last-minute, half-hearted, agent-inspired makeover is going to win over fans.

He's one of the greatest players of his generation. We'll give him his MVPs when he earns them, but we don't have to root for him.

-- The Dodgers' long-time former manager will open up the ``Tommy Lasorda School of Gymnastics.''

Inspired by that graceful All-Star Game (near) somersault - we gave it a 1.6 for the bounce-back - Lasorda is off on his latest financial undertaking. Parents, Game Boy suddenly won't look so bad.

-- No player will come out of the closet.

-- The Cubs won't keep it up.

If Cubs fans' suffering ever stopped, the identity crisis would prove overwhelming. Yeah, 61-year-old Fred McGriff will make the difference. The Astros should be passing them any minute now. But have no fear, because ...

-- The Red Sox will fade, too. Because misery loves company. They're just not as lovable. Like they needed this: The Yankees have won 10 of their last 11.

-- The real Tim Salmon will be released from Lou Piniella's secret basement in Tacoma. Piniella: ``Turns out, it wasn't necessary.''

-- Bud Selig will announce the Devil Rays and Marlins franchises have been eliminated via contraction, and nobody in Florida will notice.

-- John Burkett will not win the Cy Young. He's already had his season.

-- All professional baseball in Japan will shut down.

This will come after some .245 hitter from the Pacific League is a late-season signing by a club in the AL, hits .290 here and inspires the final massive exodus of every Japanese player to the United States.

-- Gary Sheffield will not win a Gold Glove.

Come on, this seriously was a story? Maybe it could happen, if he played on the Bizarro Dodgers.

-- The Twins will go from last to first.

And Tom Kelly, almost left for dead before the season began, will be AL Manager of the Year.

-- The Phillies will not go from last to first.

The Braves will overtake them. They have to, otherwise they can't continue their amazing roll, dissolving for the 10th time in the past 11 postseasons.

-- The Mets will go from first to last.

I don't really believe this, but I like the way it sounds.

-- David Wells (20-8 last year) will finish under .500.

Now he's thinking maybe that daily six-pack diet isn't the best offseason regimen for a 38-year-old pitcher.

-- The Dodgers' ever-thinking marketing crew will announce the late addition of Paul Lo Duca Bobblehead Doll Night, giving baseball its first player giveaway bigger than the player.

The catcher also will take this opportunity to announce his name really is spelled Lo Du Ca. He just didn't want to overwhelm us all at once.

-- Ichiro will not break George Sisler's 81-year-old record for hits in a season (257).

Ichiro, currently on a 250-hit pace, will have to settle for becoming the first player in over 70 years to finish with more than 240 hits. He never played more than 135 games in a season in Japan.

-- John Rocker will say something stupid.

Hey, everybody should get at least one easy one.

-- Luis Gonzalez will edge Bonds for the NL home run crown.

We did mention this baseball gods thing, right?

-- The Cards will call up Rick Ankiel.

Then, in his first game back, he'll walk eight, hit five batters, two umpires and bean one old lady sitting behind the screen.

-- The Angels will announce they don't know who they are either.

Let's see if we can understand this - this year they have lousy hitting and great pitching?

-- The Mariners will prove the first half was no fluke, beat the Yankees in the ALCS and then knock off the Diamondbacks in the World Series.

-- Kevin Malone will then have a news conference, and even his own lawyers won't attend.