BARRISTER'S BOD SPEAKS LOUDER THAN FOE'S WORDS.

Byline: Jane Robison

WITH malice toward none and charity for all, Thomas Pirtle approached the jury box with a confidant, slightly subliminal swagger.

In a New Orleans courtroom in the nation's first class-action breast implant trial, Mr. Pirtle painstakingly plied his powers of persuasion, teasing, seducing, working his subtle charms on jurors until they succumbed.

Well, some people call it charm. Lorna Propes, the lawyer representing Dow Corning, called it trickery and deceit, cunning and conniving. These are the tactics that try men's souls and leave women attorneys helpless, powerless and, above all, defenseless. Which is not a good place to be if you're the defense attorney representing a troubled company to begin with.

Louisiana District Judge Yada Magee agreed with Ms. Propes. After four months of testimony, she declared a mistrial July 16. Thomas Pirtle was a little too disarming for the court's taste. On top of that, he was conveying ``certain body language messages'' to jurors.

They like their lawyers abrasive and confrontational in New Orleans, thank you very much. And check your body language at the door, pal.

``It cannot be transcribed in a record,'' Judge Magee said in her ruling, ``but the Court is aware that he has a pleasant disposition, and a charismatic personality.''

The judge then went home, cried all night for the defendants and the attorneys, and especially Thomas Pirtle, reversed her decision and let the trial continue.

Poor Yada. Yada, Yada, Yada. She's all shook up.

Thomas the suave. Thomas the sublime. Thomas the magnificent. The king of swing and charm. The master manipulator.

Naturally, if I'm ever in an accident, I want Thomas Pirtle in my corner, fighting for my rights.

Thomas Pirtle sounds like the kind of attorney Bill Clinton could use. Actually, Thomas Pirtle sounds like the kind of guy the country could use. Thomas Pirtle apparently has more power of persuasion in his little finger than the whole Congress.

Thomas Pirtle - We love you, Man.

Thomas Pirtle for president.

Thomas Pirtle can look the country in the eye, work a little magic, cast a spell, wiggle his hips suggestively so as to cause the nation to swoon.

Perhaps Thomas Pirtle is already president. Has anyone ever seen Thomas and Bill Clinton in the same room together? Nowadays, it's hard to tell if it's real life or Memorex we're watching.

I also sense a little bit of the King in ol' Tom. The sly, wry, drop-dead smile. The stare that drives them wild. The after-shave lotion that lingers, long after the courtroom has cleared.

Is there no one who can resist the fatal charms, the disarming moves, the secret handshake, the sultry, winsome, come-hither look of Thomas Pirtle?

It appears there is only one person in the country who was not drawn into Mr. Pirtle's cunning web of charm - Lorna Propes. Ice Queen.

``Why she (Judge Magee) was weeping for him last night - instead of being furious for his putting this trial in turmoil - I have no idea,'' said Propes after the trial was reinstated.

Lorna, you're doomed. Give it up. Thomas Pirtle shot the judge a glance. Need I say more?

But I like Propes' nails-on-a-blackboard approach and whining spirit. Sounds like a little bit of Marcia Clarke coming through. Maybe Propes is Marcia Clarke. Only Robert Zemeckis knows for sure.

However, as a person starved for celebrity entertainment, this Pirtle-Propes matchup has potential. This could be another match-made-in-book heaven. Another ear-biter.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, we've been asked by Mr. Pirtle to relay this message to the judge (and, naturally, we couldn't refuse his wistful pleadings):

``Don't cry for me, Yada Magee. The truth is, I never smiled. All through my wily days, my mad existence, I kept my promise. Don't keep your distance.''