BANG OUT OF ORDER; MOVIES.

Byline: DAVID EDWARDS 

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN Cert 12A, 150mins **

Two years after the eardrumassaulting first instalment, Michael Bay's 'bots return for more decibel-laden carnage in this summer's first bona fide blockbuster. Big, loud and definitely not clever, it's a giant, lumbering idiot of a movie that, were it not for all the explosions, would send the most devoted action fans to sleep.

With a yawning hole where the plot should be, a cast chosen for their looks rather than their acting chops and nothing to offer except stuff blowing up, what we have is two hours of director Bay banging toys together.

Less a movie and more an actionfigure advertorial, Shia LaBeouf returns as teenager Sam Witwicky who, you may recall, saved the world in the first film by teaming up with the shapeshifting Autobots against the evil Decepticons.

When we catch up with him, Sam is heading to university, leaving behind his fretting parents and his unbelievably hot girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox). Meanwhile in Washington, the Pentagon is hunting down and eliminating the remaining Decepticons. But when Sam discovers a piece of the mythical Allspark, an ancient artefact that gives the Transformers life, battle is rejoined with Autobot leader Optimus Prime taking on the Decepticons' boss Megatron.

Bigger, brasher and noisier than anything you've seen, it's certainly a visual spectacle with great special effects. Right from the off, Bay wastes no time in showing us what a $200m movie looks like with a spectacular face-off in Shanghai involving a gigantic shape-shifting unicycle. Later, when the action moves to the Middle East, there's an almighty mle that'll appeal to everyone's inner idiot.

Thing is, none of it really hits home since nobody's bothered with a storyline - it's just a series of battles held together with the ropiest of dialogue. As far as acting goes, LaBeouf is reliably dreadful, while Fox wears little more than cut-off jeans and a pout. At least John Turturro brings something to the table as a crackpot conspiracy theorist.

Make sure you take your earplugs.

THE REEL LOWDOWN 

BEST QUOTE: Megatron: "You are not alone in this universe.

We have lived among you hidden, but no more.

As you have seen, we can destroy you." BEST BIT: A forest-set battle between Megatron and Optimus Prime. WORST BIT: Pretty much everything else.

IF YOU LIKED... Godzilla Versus Mothra, Starship Troopers, Destroy All Monsters... YOU'LL LIKE THIS.

CAPTION(S):

ON THE RUN: Megan Fox and Shia LaBeouf CLASH OF THE MACHINES: Lots of noise but no plot