BAAARR-EEEEEE! YOUR GUIDE TO, DARE WE SAY, NEEDLING GIANT'S SLUGGER BARRY BONDS THIS WEEKEND.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

On the latest episode of "Bonds On Bonds," the weekly documentary series airing on ESPN, Giants slugger Barry Bonds implied that he wasn't too impressed with the chants, signs and even the toy syringe that rained down on him at San Diego's Petco Park during the season-opening series against the Padres.

"(They were mentioning) BALCO. I guess if they got creative, it'd be a lot more fun," Bonds said.

Consider it done.

Tonight at Dodger Stadium, when Bonds emerges for batting practice, then eventually makes the trot to left field for the start of a weekend series against the Dodgers, it'll be like Christmas for those who are born to badger, bait and be just plain bothersome.

Bonds-baiting is hardly a novelty at Dodger Stadium. "Dodger Stadium is the best show I ever go to in all of my baseball," Bonds said during spring training last year. "They say, `Barry Sucks!' louder than anybody out there. ... You've got to have some serious talent to have 53,000 people saying you suck."

Game on.

HECKLING 101

Not that any crowd at a sporting event wants to be prompted, but consider this the stuff you won't see flashing on the Diamondvision after the "Make Some Noise" graphic pops up.

Bonds has been used to the melodious "BAAARR-EEEEEE" chant that, quite frankly, could put anyone to sleep. Consider replacing it with "CHEEEE-TER" or "BARR-ROIDS," which isn't quite original, but shows adaptability.

As for something a little more snappy, and in the spirit of the now departed "HEE SEOP CHOI" bark that was accompanied by a hand clap or foot stomp, practice these in front of the mirror:

"Ast-er-isk! Ast-er-isk!"

"Hall of Shame! Hall of Shame!"

"Bonds On Bonds!

"Bonds On Roids!"

"Stop The Scam! Go To Jail!"

"Just Say No! Just Say No!"

Otherwise, a long, loud cow moo - which may be confused with a long, loud boo - or a shout of "No Grazing In The Outfield!" will also get the job done and show you're quite aware that he's been accused of taking cattle growth hormones.

DO'S AND DON'TS

DO: Bring a copy of the book, "Game of Shadows" for some light reading between innings. In there, you'll find some of these "talking points": THG, HGH, flaxseed oil, the clear, Victor Conte, Kimberly Bell (his ex-girlfriend), Lamar (his middle name).

DON'T: Throw the book at him. Or anything onto the field, even if you're willing to spend time in the stadium holding cell and don't mind having your kids bail you out.

Besides, the syringe incident in San Diego provoked one Giants fan to write a letter to the San Diego Union-Tribune: "Tossing needles at Bonds is just lame. I expect that from Dodgers fans, not you (Padres fans). ... boo all you want, but show some dignity."

DO: Check out the Dodgers' 11 rules of "Fan Code of Conduct" on the team's Web site before you come out. "We are proud that Dodger Stadium is one of the safest, most family-friendly ballparks in the country," said Camille Johnston, the team's senior vice president of communications. "We do not condone misbehavior of any kind and are prepared to and do eject those fans that violate our policies."

DON'T: Challenge security if they ask you to shut up. ... and don't bother trying to bring a hand-made sign. There are restrictions posted right outside the stadium that ban them, as well as banners, flags and noisemakers.

THE HECKLING KING

Robin Ficker, a Bethesda, Md., lawyer, was a fixture at Washington Bullets NBA games for 12 years, berating opposing players from his front-row seat behind their bench. He would read aloud from player autobiographies, make noises to disrupt team huddles, and become such a nuisance that even fans sitting next to him would complain. Because of Ficker, the NBA created a rule printed on the back of every season ticket application that prohibits fans from engaging in verbal abuse that interferes with communication between coaches and players.

WHAT TO WEAR

Anyone have a mask of George Mitchell?

A Las Vegas-based company called Cheater Clothing, started up by a Little League dad named Shawn Milton, has been selling T-shirts on its Web site (cheaterclothing.com) with the word "Cheater" on the front in the Giants' team script letters, and the word "Juiced" on the back where Bonds' name would go above the No. 25.

Milton plans to be at Dodger Stadium handing out cards and in the park across from the police academy this weekend selling the shirts (in black or white, with a "100 percent genetically engineered" guarantee) for $14.99, and $1 from each purchase goes toward a charity that campaigns for steroid awareness.

REMEMBER ME?

Two seasons ago, Michael Mahan spent about $25,000 to buy up the right field pavilion at Dodger Stadium for a couple of games against the Giants in hopes of catching a Barry Bonds milestone home run and cashing in on it. It didn't pan out. Mahan, an avid Dodgers fan and dugout-seats season-ticket holder, claims he's always rooted against Bonds - even if it meant not getting a home run ball. He says he'll be among the crowd this weekend, but he's says he's not the kind to join in any kind of obsessive heckling.

"Taunting isn't my thing, and I don't have any personal axe to grind with him," said the Newbury Park native. "I just hope the fans don't get too belligerent or violent. Throwing stuff on the field especially is unacceptable."

CAPTION(S):

4 photos, box

Photo:

(1 -- color) no caption (man showing t-shirt)

Photo Illustration by Shane Michael Kidder/Daily News

(2 -- color) RARE FIND: An internet aution search uncovered an old wristband with an ironic message.

AmericanMemorabillia.com

(3 -- color) no caption (fan holding "barr-roid" sign)

(4 -- color) no caption (book: Game of Shadows)

Box:

DODGERS vs. GIANTS