At home in Sigma Nu.

I'm not sure which decision I came to first: "I want to be a brother of Sigma Nu" or "I want to be with Tom, a brother in Sigma Nu, for the rest of my life." Luckily for me, the decisions were not mutually exclusive. Sigma Nu is not your stereotypical fraternity on the Dartmouth College campus, and Dartmouth is not exactly the real world. But I believe my experience proves that fraternities and sororities can provide an unparalleled environment of love and acceptance.

I wasn't open about my sexuality in my hometown in West Virginia. Before I entered Dartmouth two years ago, I had come out only to my best friend, Alyssa. She and I had done everything together in high school--even playing together on the boys' soccer team--except date. Our friends always expected us to, and her dad always said that we'd "find each other" after our first divorces. Since I came out to Alyssa on my 18th birthday, he doesn't believe that anymore.

Before I arrived at Dartmouth, I visualized fraternity culture as a combination of Animal House antics and country-club personalities, a place where members bought their friends and networked with other rich white boys. My flawed ideas were put to rest during orientation week when a dormmate, Brian--a junior and a brother in Sigma Nu--invited me over to hang out at the house. I felt completely comfortable and began to spend copious amounts of time there.

That increased after I met Tom. He is a striking man, physically and personally--he still teases me that right after we were introduced, my eyes followed him around the room and then up the stairs. After a few weeks of thinly veiled mutual attraction, we found ourselves in a situation where it was just the two of us, and, well, it was time to admit that we were attracted to one another.

Tom was openly gay in the fraternity, and I knew the brothers would be as accepting of me, but I didn't want more on my plate that first term, so for the first month and a half we dated secretly. Sometime in January, I was hanging out in Tom's room at the house and it got late. I heard people in the corridor, and knew I'd get some questioning looks if I exited then. But it was time to put an end to the charade, so I strolled confidently from Tom's room to the stairwell, where five guys were sitting. One said, "Hey, John, what are you doing here?" So I addressed them all: "Pop quiz: Who here knows I'm dating Tom?" One guy raised his hand. I went on, "Well, now you all know, and knowing is half the battle." I smirked and walked back to Tom's room. I knew that everything would be just fine.

Sigma Nu has become my home, a stable place at a school whose quarter system makes stability hard to come by. I have been elected Eminent Commander--what we call our president--for the summer term. It's an honor I carry with me wherever I go, and my brothers are honored to have me as their leader. No one can pledge until his sophomore year at Dartmouth, but I feel blessed for having had that first year with Tom and with the other Sigma Nu seniors who left before I could officially join.

I believe if you're closeted in a fraternity where being gay is not acceptable, you have two options: One, stay closeted and waste a few years of your emotional life. Two, come out and try to change the place you're in to a more gay-friendly space. Whether you find acceptance will tell you whether you should leave the house or stay. Anyone who reacts negatively to your "newfound" homosexuality is not a friend and never was.

I'm so much more confident and comfortable with my sexuality because I'm allowed to exercise it here, around people I love, people I interact with every day, people who are my close friends. Tom and I did eventually break up, but I can still bring boys to our formals; I can dance with them at our dance parties. I can give my boyfriend a kiss in the TV room when he comes to visit. That's something I don't think I would be able to do if I lived in a dorm, and something that is more special because it's not an issue. I mean, honestly, you can't really get more acceptance than when you bring someone home to your room and your suitemate waves at you both as you walk in the door and says, "Have fun, guys."

Ashworth is a geography major. For more on being gay or lesbian and Greek, find a link to the Lambda 10 Project at www.advocate.com.