At UO, teaching moms and dads to let go.

Byline: Tim Christie The Register-Guard

The newbies sat in the lecture hall at Prince Lucien Campbell Hall in their shorts, polo shirts, T-shirts and sandals, listening intently to a speaker talk about what to expect at the University of Oregon in terms of academics, social life and finances.

But none of those listening to the talk - part of a two-day orientation session - will be attending the university this fall. Their children, however, will.

Parents are a big part of orientation, known as IntroDUCKtion 2005. The orientation that took place Thursday and Friday is one of seven such sessions offered during the summer and attended by an estimated 3,100 students and more than 1,700 parents.

In fact, parents have attended orientation at the UO for more than 10 years, university officials say. Similar programs are offered at universities around the country.

UO officials say they're responding to the desires of parents and their children, and that having both attend orientation helps students get their college careers off to a smooth start.

But some critics see the active involvement of parents in their children's college experience as a symptom of a larger problem - of overprotective, hovering moms and dads who are so anxious for their children to succeed that they leave them unable to make decisions without grabbing their cell phone and calling home.

"Parents need to recognize the destructive effects of their own anxiety," said Hara Estroff Marano, editor at large for Psychology Today. "Involvement is good, but not this kind of anxiety-driven involvement. That's not good. It makes kids feel like they can't function on their own."

Marano fears that today's parents are raising "A Nation of Wimps," the title of a piece she wrote in December for Psychology Today and of an upcoming book.

Parents want their children to succeed in a competitive world, and are emotionally invested in their well-being, she said. As a result, parents are "heavily micromanaging their children and their lives," she said. Parents are forgetting or disregarding the ultimate goal of child development, which is to produce an independent adult, she said.

In attempting to remove discomfort and disappointment from their children's lives, parents leave their children unable to find creative solutions to life's obstacles and setbacks, she contends. The result is children who are risk-averse, psychologically fragile and riddled with anxiety.

"It's good to be a resource for a kid who wants to make a decision, but to be in there making the decision for the kids is not healthy," she said. "The kid draws the conclusion they can't do it on their own."

UO officials said they see some instances of what's been dubbed "helicopter parents" and of students overly reliant on their mothers and fathers. But they also make a point of forcing students to make their own decisions.

For example, by design, parents and students go their separate ways for much of orientation, and parents are excluded when students meet with academic advisers and when they register for classes.

"We have some parents who want to be very close to their students all the time while they're here," said Cora Bennett, director of student orientation programs for the UO. And some are unhappy when they're told they can't attend advising appointments or registration, she said.

"This is a situation where we want students to be directly involved," she said. "We want to set that tone straight away.'

The advent of cell phones, e-mail and text messaging makes it easy, sometimes too easy, for parents and kids to stay connected. Marano calls the cell phone "the eternal umbilicus.".

"Cell phones allow much more immediate assistance in a good way and a lot more dependence in a not good way," Bennett said.

Sometimes a student struggling with which classes to choose will pick up a cell phone and call a parent standing outside the door for advice, Bennett said.

Along with the forced separation at orientation, parents attend sessions where they learn how they can make the transition when their children head for campus.

During a session titled "Holding On and Letting Go," Laura Blake Jones, associate dean of students and director of the Office of Student Life, said that parents are more involved in their students' college experience than in the past. She asked parents "to adjust your role," and to give their children "a new sense of responsibility and independence." Be involved, she said, but not enmeshed.

Gillian DeBruno is a senior psychology major from Ashland and part of the student orientation staff. She said that when she was a freshman, she liked having her mother along for orientation. But her mom also gave her space to find her own way, she said.

"Parents are trying to protect their children more," she said. "Parents bubble their kids."

Lacy Bartholomew, a transfer student from Western Oregon University, said that she was happy to have her mother and "best friend," Wanda, with her during orientation, especially since she felt lost all last year at WOU.

"I feel more comfortable having her here," she said.

Rick Perez, an airline pilot and instructor from Moraga, Calif., said that he adjusted his work schedule so that he could attend orientation with his youngest daughter, Kimberly. He thought it was important to be there, given his experience as a freshman years ago at Texas A&M.

"When I got to school, I was totally lost from Day One," he said. `I thought, `My daughters are going to know where to go.' '

But finding the balance between providing support and letting go is hard, he said.

"Kids today are kind of kicked back because we provide everything for them," he said. "You can't do everything for them. You've got to let them fall."

Steve Great brought his daughter, Stephanie, up from Medford for orientation. An incoming freshman, she already knows her way around campus after attending a summer architecture program last year. Still, she said, it's nice to have her father along.

"I love it," she said. "I'm lost without him."

"That's not true," he said.

"Yes, it is," she responded.

She said that she's grown accustomed to having her parents closely involved in her life.

"My parents have always been there making my decisions," she said.

"Helping you make your decisions," her father corrected.

Solye Brown and her son Colin Kagel, from Portland, had their first disagreement about college during Thursday's group lunch. Brown wanted her son to sign up for a freshman interest group - aka FIG - because it seemed like the perfect way to make friends and connections on campus.

"He didn't do it," she said. `I said, `Why?' He said, `Because you're making a big deal of it.' '

Jones, the associate dean of students, said that for students to succeed at college, they need a balance of support and challenge. If they're challenged too much and feel overwhelmed, not even the brightest student will succeed, she said.

The challenge for parents who have grown accustomed to being involved in their children's education is how to continue providing support, but from afar and in a way that allows their children an increasing level of autonomy, she said.

Particularly during transition periods, such as when a child is starting college, it's important that he has that parental support, she said. But if parents are still helping their child schedule classes when he or she is a junior or senior, Jones said she would get involved and urge parents to let go.

Jones said she's not persuaded, however, by Marano's argument that today's parents are raising "a nation of wimps."

"I'm not seeing that manifest itself on our campus," she said. "I am seeing more students who come in, who are functioning pretty independently and talking about consulting their parents. But I'm not seeing students who are controlled by their parents or who are risk-averse because they've had their parents involved."

CAPTION(S):

Kristen Mico leads Judy Lippel (left) and daughter Amber, of Montana, and Deborah Landgraf and Ryan Erro, both of Eugene, on a UO tour.