Ask Michelle Obama[TM]: our new first lady responds to your questions.

DEAR MICHELLE:

First off, congrats to you both for the big win. Although I didn't vote for you, I'm happy for you and your family and wish you the best. Also, I'm glad the whole election thing is over! LOL!

My question is this: With the holidays fast approaching, my husband and I are thinking of maybe reducing the number of outside lights on the house. We usually "do it up" in grand style with a blinking Santa and reindeer on the rooftop, and an animated Frosty on the front lawn. But this year, with the economy and energy prices, it seems to him like it's a bad idea. Myself, I think we should "go big" and add a manger scene and some adorable flashing elves, to keep the spirits up in the neighborhood and Christmas cheer soaring.

My husband said he'd agree to whatever you said. "They're in charge now," he said. So, what should we do?

--CHEERFUL IN CHEBOYGAN

DEAR CHEERFUL:

Clearly, you're a racist. That's fine--hey, we live in a democracy, and people of your socioeconomic class often resort to racism and fatty foods to soothe the pain of being left out--but I can't help but wonder why, exactly, you didn't vote for my husband if it wasn't because of race. Maybe instead of festooning your house with electric symbols of white oppression and overeating sugary carbohydrates, you can take some time during the holidays to reflect on your own toxic, hate-filled prejudices. And you just might lose a few pounds while doing it.

--MICHELLE

P.S. Will you be in your home next Tuesday at 5:30 P.M.? I'd like to send someone around to visit with you.

DEAR MICHELLE:

Help! My wife and I are celebrating our tenth wedding anniversary with a nice dinner out. Money's been tight, but we're really trying to make a nice night of it. Here's the snag: I think we should go to a nice steakhouse, and my wife's dead set on the local chi-chi Italian place. What do you think?

--STEAK LOVER IN ST. PETE

DEAR STEAK LOVER:

Honestly? Steak is racist. So is Italian, frankly. You may not have known that, of course, because for years we didn't talk about these things. But we do now.

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

My advice is, don't go anywhere. Stay at home and try to point out to each other how each of you is racist.

--MICHELLE

DEAR MICHELLE:

I have to confess something: I didn't vote for your husband. I found his policies, on balance, to be slightly less in line with my own than John McCain's, and honestly, with the way the world is going these days, it seemed like the time for a seasoned leader and not a young, untested man.

To avoid a lot of nasty looks and under-the-breath remarks, however, I told my pro-Obama friends that I was an Obama voter.

Now that you and your husband are heading to the White House and everything turned out okay, should I come clean to my friends? After all, it can't do much harm now, can it?

--CONFUSED IN THE BATTLEGROUND STATES

DEAR CONFUSED:

What can't do any harm? Your dishonesty to your friends--and, worse, to a lot of decent, hard-working pollsters, I suspect--or your inability to see the true potential of my husband's leadership, since you were clouded, no doubt, by your own deeply held racism and love of guns and all-you-can-eat buffets?

What you're really asking me, I think, is if it's "okay" that you're a racist who voted racistly against my husband due to his race, and whether it's "okay" to inject racism into politics in a racist fashion by playing the race card.

I've been getting a lot of mail along these lines, mostly from morbidly obese people like you who can't see beyond race. And you know what? I'd really rather have this conversation in person. Please send me an e-mail at [e-mail] with your exact street address and daily schedule (when you leave for work, when you get home, etc.) and I'll send someone along to collect you so that we can visit together in person.

--MICHELLE

DEAR MICHELLE:

My girlfriends and I are having a friendly argument. I say an e-mailed thank-you note is improper; only a hand-written one will do. My girlfriends say I'm old-fashioned. Who's right?

--FUDDY-DUDDY IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR FUDDY-DUDDY:

As everybody knows, "thank-you note" is just a code word for racism. So are "email" and "old-fashioned" and "argument" and "girlfriends" and "improper" and "is" and "an" and "I'm" and "my." So it's hard for me, obviously, to answer such a loaded question, chockfull of such loaded hate speech.

Could you please send me a Map-Quest link to your location, and the location of your girlfriends, so that you can all be collected by an unmarked van? Thanks!

--MICHELLE