Ask, Get, Give What You Want

I asked my husband if he wanted to talk. He put his book down and said, "Sure." I talked; he listened. He interjected; I thanked him. He laid his head on his pillow. I wanted to kiss him, and I did. "Kiss me again," he said.

We both got what we most needed before falling asleep.

If you wait until you both want to talk, you might become weighed down by what's unsaid before you get around to it. And if you wait until you both want to do some serious kissing, you might grow distant first.

Unless you and your partner both spontaneously feel and act in unison on the same desire, you might need to say something in order to initiate what you want! Even then, your partner might have to warm up to the proposed idea before going along with it. And, of course, there's that remote (or not so remote) possibility that he (or she) will decline.

Still, when we don't ask for what we want, we're less likely to get it. And when we don't get it day after day after day, we grow disheartened. Then, we're less apt to give our partners what they want, even when they do ask for it.

Conversely, if we ask for what we want and get it, we feel loving and close to our sweethearts. We're more sensitive to their desires, we want to please them, and we're thankful that we can.

Sometimes — when we're out of practice — we forget how gratifying it is to give a partner what they want ? not just because they want it, but because we vowed to give it to them. Keeping our promises feels good!

And when we lovingly (not out of obligation) keep our promises, we can ask for what we want, without feeling guilty or ashamed — and know that we have a good chance of getting it. On the other hand, when we're not following through with our commitment to love, we might merely nag or complain ? over and over and over until we're not really heard anymore.

In truth, it's our falling short of our promises — or our values — that threatens to make us miserable. We can't assume responsibility for a partner's falling short; and we need not be irritated by it. But when we are unwilling to assume responsibility for our own choices, we look around for a scapegoat — and often use our sweetheart.

If you find yourself complaining about what your partner's not giving you instead of asking for what you want, you can bet it's because you're looking for a diversion from your own responsibilities, or a justification for shrugging them.

When you've taken the time to do what you know is best to do for yourself, which includes asking for what you want, then you have self-verification. And when you've dealt with your own shortcomings, you don't get caught up in your partner's.

What's missing in your relationship is what's missing in you! "You must be the change you wish to see in the world," said Mahatma Gandhi. And you must also be the change you wish to see in your relationship (all of your relationships).

You got it — if you want to be heard more, listen more. If you want to be kissed more, start kissing. If you want your partner to ask for what he or she wants — and be appreciative of getting it — start asking for what you want.

And make your request specific; give your partner a chance to deliver.

Jan Denise is a columnist, author of the book "Naked Relationships," speaker and coach based in McIntosh, Fla. Please e-mail her at [e-mail], or visit her website at www.nakedrelationships.com. To find out more about Jan Denise, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.

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