As sexy as Greenspan naked.

This is a good time. A fabulous time. A time of comeuppance. A time that calls for slow-motion skipping on the beach with bouquets of ribbons attached to helium balloons trailing in the breeze.

Why? Because the GOP is in deep doo doo.

How deep the doo doo?

So deep that every Republican member of Congress will soon be issued a three-foot length of bamboo to use as a breathing tube.

So deep that the best news the Republicans can look back on this fall was that their House majority Leader avoided a nationally televised perp walk by surrendering to Houston authorities on his own.

Deep enough that one more revelation is going to trip the Environmental Protection Agency filing requirement.

One would think the Democrats' reaction would be to capitalize on their adversaries' troubles.

To bite through the twine that binds their hands and keeps them from punching back.

To kick like they've been kicked and to kick like they've never kicked before.

To grab the feet of the majority party and run screaming down the stairs of the Washington Monument with their opponent's head bouncing off each of the 897 cement steps with a soft, wet thud.

One would think this would be the Democratic response ... and one would be as wrong as plaid velour. Instead, the Dems have adopted a policy best described as a bad Xerox without any toner.

Stand back. They've come up with a scathing series of platitudes. Mustering up a pathetic attempt at replicating Newt Gingrich's '94 Congressional coup blueprint, Nancy Pelosi announced the Dems have written their own Contract with America. And they are in the process of mucking it up worse than a three-legged pig on roller skates spinning china plates. Instead of easy-to-comprehend slogans designed for ordinary voters like you and me, the leaders of the shadow opposition are contemplating such reforms as "Support Fair Wages with Good Benefits so No One Goes to Work Every Day and Comes Home Poor and Dependent on Public Services." And doesn't that lilt trippingly off the tongue? Let's not forget "An End to a Culture of Cronyism, Incompetence, and Corruption in America"--about as sexy as Man Greenspan naked.

So I racked my brain working my fingers to the bone, got down on my hands and knees, and came up with a list of contract items the Democrats can use to ingratiate themselves with their supposed base. No need to thank me, I'm here to help.

The Democrats' New Improved Revised Contract with America 2.1:

1. The It's the Economy, Stupid, Part 2 Act.

2. The We Got to Stop Shooting Ourselves in the Foot, Especially When Our Foot Is in Our Mouth Act.

3. The Don't Invade Countries that Had Nothing to Do with 9/11 Act.

4. The We Don't Hire Buddies' Roommates (Kennedys Excepted) Act.

5. The Health Care Good, Oil Companies Bad Act.

6. The Clinton Aura Restoration Act.

7. The Stop Whining Already Act.

8. The Fiscal Responsibility, No, Really, Act.

9. The We Promise to Grow Some Cojones and Remember We Are Not Republicans Act.

10. The Never Run Another Effete Intellectual from Massachusetts for President Ever Again Act.

Political comic Will Durst especially likes contract item number 10.