Are your friendships good for your health?

Bill Bixby is known for his starting roles in popular television shows, yet fame and fortune have not insulated him from pain and sorrow. In 1981 Bixby's only child, Christopher, then 6, died from a rare infection. A year later his first wife, actress Brenda Benet, committed suicide. A second marriage ended in divorce after two years. Most recently Bixby was diagnosed with spreading, advanced prostate cancer, which has penetrated his bones.

With so much trauma in one decade, Bixby could have become cynical and bitter about life, but he demonstrates the opposite. "I'm the happiest that I've ever been," he says. "Because as many tragedies as I've had to face in my life, I've been blessed with the greatest friends."

Researchers are discovering that good friendships can help fight off feelings of depression, isolation, and despair, and can promote improved health. Stanford University researchers found that terminally ill breast cancer patients participating in support groups lived twice as long from the time they entered the study as those who did not join a support group. As a result, researchers are concluding that people without a strong social network are emotionally vulnerable and can succumb more easily to illness and disease.

Although cultivating quality friendships takes some effort, it's energy well invested. Here are some strategies to help maximize your relationships.

1. Make friendships a priority. Even though life is hectic and time limited, the first step in deepening friendships lies in assigning them top priority, says Alan McGinnis, author of The Friendship Factor. "As I've watched those who are deeply loved, I've noticed they all believe that people are a basic source of happiness. Their companions are very important to them and, no matter how busy their schedule, they've developed a lifestyle and a way of dispensing their time that allows them to have several profound relationships with people.

"On the other hand, in talking to lonely people I often discover that, though they lament their lack of close companions, they actually place little emphasis on the cultivation of friends."

2. Be selective. When Jacques Soustelle was governor-general of Algeria in the 1950s, he wrote to French president Charles de Gaulle complaining that all his friends were attacking him because he supported De Gaulle's Algerian policies. The French president responded: "Change your friends."

That short, simple reply contains much wisdom. It is important to be selective. Choose people whose company is enjoyable, supportive, and affirming. Drop those who belittle, betray, or hurt you. Avoid becoming involved in toxic relationships. Hanging on to destructive friendships only adds another burden to living.

3. Keep communication lines open. Pick up the phone and call people you haven't heard from in a while. Take a few minutes to write a letter to someone you've been thinking about. Even in a busy world where people move around a lot, it's still possible to keep lines of communication open. Janet is a career naval officer. During her 15 years in the Navy she has moved 11 times but still has a large circle of friends.

"Even though I'm separated geographically from close family and friends, I've made the time to keep in touch. I call and write a lot. Some correspondence is brief but lets them know I'm thinking about them. Every year I write a generic Christmas letter keeping friends up-to-date on my life and events. When my friends have birthdays, babies, baptisms, or weddings, I always acknowledge the occasion with a note."

4. Be generous with praise. Master the art of affirmation. Train your eye to see positives in the people around you. Paul's words in Philippians apply here: "Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable... think about such things" (Philippians 4:8, NIV). * Praising others is very important for deepening relationships, says minister and author Norman Vincent Peale.

"When you practice it you are weaving a little invisible web of communication and caring between yourself and another. "I'm aware of you," you're saying. "I know you're there". You may be feeling a little down or discouraged, but even so, you're doing some things right, and I've noticed, and I admire you for it.' Receiving that message will give pleasure and reassurance to someone. Sending it will generate a sense of warmth and well-being within yourself."

5. Be cautious with criticism. "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6, NIV). Nothing will destroy a friendship faster than a barrage of criticism. Don't expect perfection. Never coerce someone to think the way you do. Before offering any criticism, follow this guideline: If it is painful and awkward for you to criticize a friend, your motive is probably pure and you're generally safe in speaking; however, if the criticism brings you the slightest pleasure, you would be wiser to say nothing.

6. Practice loyalty. An essential ingredient for any deep and abiding relationship is loyalty. People rich in friendships that span decades and cross generations know how to be loyal, weathering stormy times and staying close when one is experiencing difficulty.

A good example of loyalty is Harry Truman. When Kansas City political leader Tom Pendergast died in disgrace after serving a jail term, most politicians and many friends avoided his funeral. However, President Truman flew from Washington, D.C., to Kansas City to honor the memory of his first political supporter.

7. Show your love. Physicians informed the parents of a new baby girl that their daughter had a condition called microcephaly. The little girl was born with a very small head, resuiting in severe and profound mental retardation. Rather than going home with the new baby, the couple found themselves spending countless frightening and frustrating hours in doctors' offices and hospital rooms.

While many expressed concern and support, a neighbor one evening brought over some unbaked cookie dough. "I know you don't have time to make the dough," she said, "but you can still have the smell of freshly baked cookies in your house by putting this in the oven." Nothing will deepen a friendship more than a practical act of loving-kindness, especially during a hard time.

Cultivating optimal friendships will not only enrich your life, but deliver a healing power for a bruised spirit. This awareness was stated eloquently centuries ago by Marcus Tullius Cicero: "Friendship renders prosperity more brilliant, while it lightens adversity by sharing it and making its burden common."