Are you a caregiver * Or a caretaker? My husband had a stroke, now I am stuck at home!

This utterance has become a common expression of why caregiving is a unique and formidable challenge to us all in this world of baby boomers coming of age. It is especially trying for amateurs with no medical training.

Now and in the future almost everyone will be faced with a loved one or a relative with a debilitating chronic illness such as cancer, stroke, a heart condition, Alzheimer's, acute arthritis, or Parkinson's. You may be in the prime of life, with three or four children, or you may be in the later years, or as they say, the "Golden Years," or you might be in the generation in-between taking care of your parents on one hand, and still adolescent children on the other.

Life is hard! Of course it is. But you wouldn't be alone. Caregiving to relatives at home is a practice on the rise in the United States. The difficulty comes when you mix caregiving with caretaking. The difference is astounding! When you give care you give the person the ability to care for him or herself as much as possible. That means if they can go to the bathroom by themselves, you let them! If it means they can dress themselves, you let them! If they can feed themselves, you let them! If they can take care of themselves during the day, you let them! One of the things that wears down caregivers is when they become caretakers. A caretaker is really needed for a baby or for someone who can't take care of him or herself at all. If you are a caretaker of a person, it is important that you switch to being a caregiver; one who gives the person as much responsibility as he/she can manage. When your children left diapers you taught them to take responsibilities as they grew older. The same is true of a person suffering a chronic illness. The more responsibility they assume, the faster their attitude changes, and the faster they permit themselves to be in a state of well being.

Don't neglect yourself!

The first thing that gets neglected is you! When giving care to a child, spouse or parent afflicted with a chronic illness your own health and wellbeing are at risk. Poor diet, lack of true exercise, sleep deprivation, irritability and depression. These situations sometimes revert to abusing prescription drugs or alcohol.

Taking control of your personal wellbeing, despite all the worry and exhaustion that's likely to attend your caregiving, is the most important capability of a caregiver. Attitude in this area is important. Do you feel inadequate, helpless, selfish if you are concerned about your own needs? Do you feel the need to prove yourself as a loving caretaker? Do you feel it's me or no one in terms of how your loved one is to be cared for?

Since attitudes affect behaviors, it would be good to examine your own attitudes and check them against the reality of the situation. We have to go to the famous prayer by Reinhold Neibuhr:

To accept the things I cannot change; to change the things I can; the wisdom to know the difference goes the familiar Serenity Prayer. Positively identifying your own needs is critical for your success. Your needs may include a session of hypnotherapy to manage the stress you have been under. It may be an exercise program or it may be going out some night for a nice well-balanced meal with a friend. This is the first step in helping yourself help the one you love.

You are not alone as a caregiver. Even if you're the only immediate kin of the person who is in need of care. There are a number of organizations, churches, and individuals that can help. Call upon them and they will answer your need to get out and shop, go to the bank, or get a little respite from caregiving. Or, neighbors might shop for you picking up something you ran out of like milk and bread while they are going to the store for themselves. Seeking help in caregiving is not a sign of failure. Rather it is an admission that care giving is a really big job!

There may come a time when the only solution is to place a loved one in a nursing home or hospice. Sometimes you, the social worker and the doctor prior to the patient's release decide this in the hospital. Sometimes you, your family and the doctor may come to a decision. Again the guilt of such a situation should not cause you stress. Talk to your pastor, rabbi or your hypnotherapist to release the stress.

Either keeping a loved one at home or calling upon a nursing home or hospice demonstrates your own love and commitment to him/her in a powerful way. Sometimes making a decision is the hardest thing to do.

Fr. Marty is the past president and Diplomat of the International Medical and Dental Hypnotherapy Association[R]. His office is in the Cincinnati area. Rev. Fr. Martin J. Patton can be reached by calling his office [phone] E-mail: [e-mail]