Are men the missing link? THERE'S LIFE IN THE OLD BIRD YET!

Byline: Wilma

SUNDAY

MADE the mistake of asking men in the bar how to get to somewhere I had to go!

Men are not the hunter-gatherers they used to be, they are the direction givers, they even argue with Sat Navs. I got so many different directions I was more confused than ever so I told them, "Just shut yer gobs and play a domino".

According to them the money I spent on a charm school was a waste!

MONDAY

I USED to think that for every bad thing that happens a good thing happens, now I think it's the opposite.

For instance, I phoned my car insurance company objecting to the increase for this year and because I've been with them so long they reduced it by pounds 30! Good? Yes.

This was followed the next day by two "bads" in quick succession.

I won't bore you with the details but suffice to say, show me the perfect family and I'll show you the perfect liars. I think Karma is nothing to do with Buddhism or Hinduism, it is as Scottish as neeps and tatties. For instance, when we get a spell of good weather, doesn't somebody always say "Aye we'll suffer for this"? And we usually do.

TUESDAY

OUR local supermarket was so busy we had to use a self-service check-out.

What a palaver.

We made so many mistakes we were being tutted at by the waiting hordes. "Please take your items", demanded the machine for the third time and my friend, who is 82, went scarlet, leaned toward the screen and whispered, "Hing on a meenit, we're nae as quick as we used tae be".

My eldest daughter uses these checkouts all the time and does everything at high speed to try and "beat the machine".

Sometimes she lets it say "please" just to get one up on it! LOL. (That's text jargon for Laugh out Loud and not Lots of Love as I thought, much to my grand daughter's amusement).

WEDNESDAY

DON'T you just lurve the Hollywood version of history? Biggest load of crap but good movies.

I watched The Last Samurai last night. I'm aye helluva sorry for the cuddies tho.

When my dear friend Phyllis died 13 years ago and I inherited a pot plant. This plant has never changed one iota, never got bigger, never died off, just sat on the kitchen windowsill getting stoorie, until this year when it's gone mad.

It's grown too big for its pot and produced babies. Don't know if I even like it anymore. Come on Phyllis, stop taking the p**s, just keep sending the "angel messages" when you're thinking of me!

Angel messages are white feathers that come in your door. I got six one day and a punter said: "There's a hale deid seagull alang the road if ye're wantin feathers." Bloody Philistine!

THURSDAY

WHEN I was a child during the war, sweeties were rationed and we got a square of jelly instead. I think that's why my nails are so hard, especially my toenails.

They're getting harder to cut and between them and my ballet dancer's toe, (not a bunion, I would never have a bunion) my feet are a nightmare.

I have dozens of shoes but can only wear comfy ones, trainers or my baffies. Nae wonder I look like an auld wifie shufflin' alang.

FRIDAY

NOW, can anyone out there tell me where you apply to get flipping great wads of cash for proving the bleeding obvious? Ducks like rain! Finger and toenails are easier to cut after a bath or shower!

That's two of the most recent "findings" by scientists.

I could prove that swans and geese are bigger than ducks and that windows need cleaned every so often to keep them clean.

I always thought to be a scientist you had to be clever. Wait a minute though, that is bloody clever, knowing where to get money to sit around drinking cups of coffee and making up a load of havers to suit themselves.

Can't think why everyone is still trying to find the missing link, surely it's obvious. Between the apes and us humans (women), it's men. I think the sequence goes, apes, men, gay men, women. Not sure where gay women fit in. Are they at the top of the tree? I don't think I've thought this out properly.

Anither cup o' tea and back to the drawing board.