Arctic, Shmarctic.

Today, everybody mouths merely what's expected of them, rather than what lurks in their heart of hearts. But that's why I get paid the big bucks. To read between the lines of the deceits. To pour lemon juice on the invisible ink of invention. To steam open the envelope containing the Navajo codes of social distortion separating what they say from what they mean. Listen up, my friends, and all will be revealed. OK, most. Some?

What They Say: I'm the Environmental President.

What They Mean: Not the whole environment. Mostly just the plots of land right under the headquarters of Texas's seven major energy conglomerates.

WTS: The Confederate flag is not a symbol of racism; it's a token of our heritage.

WTM: Screw you, nonwhitey.

WTS: We are simply attempting to provide the best and most economical service possible to our valued energy consumers.

WTM: Ha-ha, ha-ha. Cha-ching, cha-ching. Ha-ha, ha-ha.

WTS: The declining economy is the single most compelling reason for the country to receive the benefits of my tax cut right now.

WTM: Don't hear much about my whole scheme to tie Social Security to the stock market anymore, does you?

WTS: Honey, should we take the Land Cruiser or the Suburban to the "Save the Blind Albino Unwed Spotted Owl" fundraiser?

WTM: We want to have our raspberry reduction tiramisu and eat it, too.

WTS: Leading scientific indicators on what constitutes a dangerous level of arsenic in tap water are unclear.

WTM: More is gooder, right?

WTS: George W. looks so serene.

WTM: So do coma victims.

WTS: The semi-dimpled, half-hanging, quarter-pregnant chads deserved another look.

WTM: If only I hadn't invented the Internet, everything would be different. Pass the double-stuffed Oreos.

WTS: This hotel is totally committed to maintaining an Earthfriendly policy.

WTM: We don't want to wash your towels.

WTS: We expect to take the same professionalism we showed in Australia and apply it to Salt Lake City next winter.

WTM: Yesterday's Olympics tomorrow.

WTS: What this country needs to get back on track is programs like those originated by our forefathers.

WTM: Faith-based executions.

Now I know I'm running the risk of forfeiting my membership as a card carrying bleeding heart commie pinko yellow rat bastard liberal for even thinking this aloud, but if you want to be perfectly honest, I don't give a moose's bald behind about the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

Don't get me wrong, I believe all the happy propaganda about how it's pretty and pristine and brisk in a frigid, sterile, Nancy-Reagan's-soul kind of a way. But face it, I'm never going up there. My kids are never going up there. And if it weren't for genetically implanted migrational instincts, I doubt any moose kids would go up there. And isn't that precisely what evolution is all about?

Besides, it's huge, and we're only talking about drilling on a mere 1.5 million acres, which might conceivably force some slumbering, parasitic, blind ice worms to seek new frost-ilicious quarters, but as it's approximately three light-years from the nearest Interstate, hence not in what you might call my backyard, it inhabits a pretty gosh darn low position on my immediate worries priority list. Right below being disinherited from Strom Thurmond's estate and above Roger Clinton's future fiscal opportunities.

That said, there are major problems I can foresee in its rape, abuse, and defilement, excuse me, exploration:

1. It will take years before we see Crude Drop One, hence any visible effect; and

2. That visible effect would probably result in a net powering of three TVs in a Montana trailer court for a month.

Three weeks if they got cable.

Will Durst wonders if Alee Baldwin really did leave the country and if so, does he have a spare room over there in France?