April 1, 2004.

The monthly mail delivery came today and with it an ad for President Smith's latest book. The annual Presidential Book has replaced the State of the Union address since the ratification of the Twenty-eighth Amendment barring politicians from holding political office. The edition for 2004 has lots of pictures of President Smith back home in Nebraska on his rutabaga farm.

Everyone who goes to Washington is now named Smith. Congress meets once every two years and then for only six weeks. Members are so busy at home raising crops, selling used cars, and performing heart transplants they have little time for trivial pursuits, like running a government. There isn't much to do anyway with services cut back to the 1922 level to comply with the balanced budget amendment without raising taxes.

There's really no need to talk about the state of the Union anymore. With the adoption of the "Back to Normalcy" Amendment, the Preamble of the Constitution now begins: "We the Normal People of the Sovereign States...." In deference to campaign promises to end "welfare as we know it," the Preamble's reference to promoting "the general welfare" was dropped.

The ad for President Smith's book came in an envelope posted with the new Joe Camel stamp, the latest commerical issue since the postal service started selling postal sponsorships to help the government replace the now unconstitutional income tax. The Golden Arches issue was a collector's item, with hundreds lining up at McDonald's for the first-day cover. The Preparation H commemorative was another sellout. In keeping with the season, the most recent Christmas stamp advertised a Treasury collection of Madonna's greatest hits.

No one is surprised that Joe Camel appears on the stamps. When the surgeon general's office was unfunded, surgeon generals' warnings vanished with it. Instead, there is a secretary of agriculture's warning: "Nonsmoking is injurious to the health of tobacco farmers."

Cigarettes, of course, have again become fashionable thanks to the ratification of the "Smoker's Rights Amendment" allowing anyone to smoke any time at any place one chooses. Those who selfishly insists on a whiff of smoke-free air are required to stand out in the cold to indulge their habit.

Also in the mail is notice of the next meeting of our neighborhood military unit. The Thirty-fourth Amendment makes it clear that all citizens are members of a "well-regulated militia." Not only is everyone allowed to own a gun but we all are entitled to any kind of munitions on the market. There has been a marked decline in burglaries since homeowners began installing land mines in their front yards.

Our regular military forces, forbidden to go abroad by the Thirty-fifth ("No Entangling Alliances") Amendment, are now lined up shoulder to shoulder on the southern borders to prevent the infiltration of aliens. The amendment also halted the pouring of American dollars down foreign rat holes, resulting in the nation's most extensive rodent control program in history when the money was diverted to American rat holes.

The mail also brings an invitation for the whole family to attend a neighborhood picnic and public hanging in the nearby park next Sunday after church. Additional entertainment will be provided by a blackface minstrel show underwritten by the revamped National Endowment for the Arts as part of its Renewing American Civilization Program.

Another announcement calls attention to an open house and porridge supper at our neighborhood orphanage. As expected, orphanages, coupled with the end of welfare payments, have put former recipients into the work force. It's an inspiration to see them racing along the streets competing for fares with their rickshaws, increasingly popular following the elimination of public transit.

And, of yes, everyone is welcome at our neighborhood school for an evening of dramatic recitations from the McGuffey's Readers. The evening of entertainment is the students' way of saying thanks for the Thirty-sixth Amendment. It outlawed multiculturalism and allowed schools to learn more about George Washington and the cherry tree as well as other great events in our history.

Every day, in accordance with the Thirty-seventh Amendment, students now stand up and praise the Lord for getting government off our backs. It's a bright new day in America.