Appeasing the football gods: things not to say and not to do in order to win football games. (Football).

BEING THE SON of a football coach and a football coach myself for close to 20 years, I have read a lot of articles in a lot of publications and I am convinced that the only way in which to win friends, influence people, and win 92.5% of your football games is by harnessing the forces that determine the winners of every contest - the almighty Football Gods.

In certain parts of the country where football is more than a way of life, the Football Gods have made the game a religion. The fans, players, and even the coaches are compelled to perform certain religious rituals or risk the penalty for sacrilege.

With this in mind, I would like to offer a quick list of the things to do and not to do to stay on the good side of the Football Gods.

THINGS NOT TO SAY

1 "We've been lucky tonight E(this year)."

Soon as the words are out of your mouth, a dozen black cats, each holding a broken mirror will descend upon your team.

2 "We haven't had any serious injuries tonight (this year)."

Your quarterback will immediately have something that you cannot pronounce happen to some body part that you cannot pronounce.

3 "We haven't had any turnovers tonight (this year)."

Even your ball boy will start dropping the ball and losing it.

4 "We haven't had any penalties tonight (this year)."

The officials will suddenly hit you with an infraction you never heard of that will call for a loss of 15 yards, possession, and your sanity.

5 "I can't believe we got away with that hold (or pass interference)."

Don't worry. You won't get away with it. They're saving a holding penalty for you that they'll call at the worst possible moment. The Gods enjoy surprising you.

6 "Good call, Ref."

Officials will interpret this as an implication that all of their other calls have been bad ones and will decide to get back at you for this insult.

THINGS NOT TO DO

1 Don't wear any new articles of clothing during a winning streak, but feel free to try anything to break a losing streak. The Gods will be amused by your childish and superstitious attempts to humor them. Eventually, the new combination of just the right socks and different underwear will cause your team to play better and win.

2 Don't do anything new during a winning streak. The reason that you are winning is not because your offense, defense, or special teams have been playing well. You are winning because you had the exact same pre-game meal each week, or you drove to work the exact same way each week, or you stubbed your big toe in the exact same spot at the exact same time each week. (It's commonly referred to as a "ritual" in some holy spots!)

3 Humor the Gods by running offenses, defenses, and special plays from the 1950's and 1960's. The Gods appreciate nostalgia. Most of the coaches you will face weren't around then and don't know the plays and formations, anyway.

The Gods make sure to see that you are doing everything you did in last week's game. One little slip-up like forgetting to tie your right shoe before your left one is grounds for not only a winning streak to end, but, because two shoes are involved, a two-game losing streak will ensue. (The Gods do this to show that there is a logical order in the football universe. Two shoes--two losses.)

4 Coincidences and unexplained phenomena (i.e., turnovers, penalties, stupidity, etc.) are the Gods' way of making sure they are involved in every game.

5 The Gods enjoy seeing a player or a coach looking mortal (or stupid). Why do you think they made the ball in that funny shape?

6 Honor the Gods by trying to be a good sport and not taking the game too seriously. Leave the poor sportsmanship and excessive hot-dogging to the professionals. (Don't worry. The Gods will find a way to punish anyone who makes a mockery of their game. Knee injuries are always one of their favorites!)

7 Don't try to "work the officials." 7 There is no such thing. Besides, you will soon find out that the officials are in league with the Gods of the underworld. (But that's another article...)

8 Be inconspicuous. Why do you think that Tom Landry and Bear Bryant wore hats? It was so they could hide from the Gods. Also, keep in mind that almost any article of clothing you wear on the sidelines is laughable to the Gods. (Realize, also, that any coaching fashion you wear now will become laughable to the rest of the world in five years. Ask any older coach about polyester coaching shorts and Zubac "MC Hammer--style" pants.)

9 Always remember that they don't give "s le points" in football. A hard earned 15-play, 80-yard drive for a touchdown is worth the same amount of points as a fluky mishandled fumble-rooski for a touchdown. The Gods wouldn't have it any other way. It's their way of making sure that the battles with Hercules are somewhat even. Be appreciative of this fact.

10 There is no such thing as "a genuine trick play" in football. If you think about it, a trap is a trick play. The counter is a trick play. A play-action pass is a trick play. The triple-option is the biggest trick play of them all! ("The quarterback has the ball. No, the fullback has the ball. No, the quarterback still has it. No, he pitched it!")

All offensive plays are supposed to be unexpected and "fool" the defense, and the Gods don't like when someone bad-mouths a so-called "trick play."

The Gods have always preferred to call certain plays "situational appropriate" plays. The reverse, the reverse-pass, the hitch-n-pitch, and the flea-flicker were all thought up when the gods were just a little too happy on sacrificial wine. They love to see them run at the appropriate time. Just be sure that you learn how to run the plays correctly, and learn the appropriate time to run them.

Trying to run a double-reverse pass on the last play of the game when everyone and his mother is back in a prevent defense will only serve to anger the Gods and doom your last-second play.

However, the Gods like the "Hail Mary" on the last play. They feel that it is a lot like spinning the roulette wheel in the heavens. It will probably not work, but sometimes you'll land on "00."

11 And last but not least, all the Gods think that coaches are beneath them. They are right. They laugh to think that every "great" coach's offensive and defensive strategy was drawn up with the symbols used in the children's game tic-tactoe (X's and O's).

Always keep this last tip in mind. We are coaches of a game, a glorious game, but a game, nevertheless. There are higher, more important things in life, and the Football Gods are here to constantly remind us of this.

If you realize this fact and keep the gods appeased, you will have a long, successful, and happy career as a coach.