Apologies all around.

Richard Clarke's mea culpa to the nation and the families of 9/11 confused many people. "Your government failed you. Those entrusted with protecting you failed you. I failed you." What the hell was that? Encyclopedias were consulted. The Capitol was all a-dither. Nobody could pinpoint exactly what happened. Residents of D.C. haven't witnessed anybody apologize for anything since the OG, original George, of the Washington variety, with that whole cherry tree deal, and even then, rumor has it, dad had to pry it out of him with the business end of a blunderbuss.

But now apologies are the rage, and the fabric of our nation is at stake. Soon folks may be knocking each other down running around the capital apologizing willy nilly into open microphones. Imagine the ugliness that could ensue:

Former President Bill Clinton, for, well, you know.

Senator Trent Lott, just for his hair.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger for smiling all the damn time.

Vice President Dick Cheney for running the country, not telling us, and not doing a better job.

Commerce Secretary Donald Evans for criticizing John Kerry for "looking French. Yeah, right, and he smells like a tax cut, too.

Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Seventies.

Condoleezza Rice just for her hair.

Talk show host Larry King for those darn suspenders.

Senator Edward Kennedy for his behavior during the Eighties.

Former President Jimmy Carter for his brother Billy.

Governor Job Bush for his brothers Neil and George.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush for not slapping George around when he was little.

Presumptive Democratic Presidential nominee John Kerry for sharing the same planet with Jane Fonda.

One thing you got to say about the Bushies: They sure are consistent. Al Gore? Liar. Campaigned with his pants afire.

Department of Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, who had the audacity to criticize the Administration in these tenuous times? Obvious liar. A dastardly turncoat Democratic mole who betrayed the good people of this country for purely political reasons.

Richard S. Foster, the accountant who claimed he was threatened with firing or worse if he ever breathed a word of the true cost of the Medicare bill? Lying dupe or lying traitor? We may never know. What we do know is he's just making stuff up. Brainwashed, hypnotized, or just a venal little weasel with a Napoleonic complex feebly trying to take down the most compassionate Administration in the nation's history with a tapestry of falsehoods, prevarications, and perjurious distortions.

Former anti-terrorism czar Clarke? The lyingest of all. An evildoer whose testimony before the 9/11 Commission is nothing but a grandstanding load of transparent lies in a pitiable attempt to hype sales of his libelous collection of untruths published by a subsidiary of Viacom, which also owns CBS (wink-wink).

Our brave, stalwart President and his loyal band of altruistic acolytes, who ignored the weak, doddering, and senile protestations of the entire Commie Pinko Yellow Rat Bastard World by taking this country into a preemptive war based on charges of weapons of mass destruction that mysteriously never materialized? Pure innocents. Misled newborn duckies whose only mistake was to trust the mean old info wizards at the CIA, most of whom are treacherous flunkies or Al Qaeda sympathizers.

It sure is easy when you live in a world of good and bad, black and white, and as we all pretty much know but are loath to admit, it's even easier when you're the white.

Political comic Will Durst apologizes for whatever happened during those inconvenient oil-slicks in his memory.