Answers 4 Dancers.

TONY AWARD-WINNING CHOREOGRAPHER GROVER DALE IS EDITOR OF DANCE & FITNESS MAGAZINE. FOR THIS COLUMN, HE DRAWS ON HIS EXPERIENCES AND ASSOCIATIONS WITH 16 BROADWAY SHOWS, 8 FEATURE FILMS, AND OVER 100 TELEVISION SPECIALS.

MY SON SAYS NO TO BALLET

I'm a parent of a 13-year-old son who is facing high school selection and all the expectations that come with it. He has diversified physical ability (excels in multiple sports) and has trained with a hip-hop dance company for three years.

I'm perplexed. We are advised from several local professionals that he should include regular ballet classes. Directors of the ballet school will permit him in the adult classes and his hip-hop performance director will allow him slack to schedule this additional training. His grades are even high enough for Mom to forgo academic enrichment for summer session should he choose to do both ballet and train/perform in his hip-hop group. But, my son says no to ballet.

I appreciate your recent comments on this subject in your Answers 4 Dancers column in Dance Magazine (although being forced to read under duress didn't magically change his outlook). As a parent, I have supported my child through discarded whims and impressive successes. My acquaintances and extended family love it when his team makes the championship, but I receive all kinds of not-so-friendly advice on whether my son should dance (at all), much less further his talent for movement. Some have seen him perform and suddenly become effusively complimentary, and I am grateful for their faith in attending his performances. But given the negativity regarding dance for boys that I've received, I can appreciate some of what my son is experiencing.

I know it is very hard for him. I know he loves the many hours he trains with his hip-hop group, I know he misses full-time sports, and I know he is chided about his chosen application, which he normally shrugs off. It's great when he's onstage with a terrific group and the whole room thunders; then peer-level support abounds. Now to expand into a new and (perceived) difficult arena, he stands in a peculiar position--as do I. He doesn't want to swim a new stroke, and I don't know whether to force him into the pond or nut.

A Worried Mom in San Francisco 

Yep, I get the picture. You're trying to make some sense out of your son's resistance to accepting the value of ballet training. Perplexing, to say the least. Nothing seems to sway his thinking. You and your gifted son are simply on different pages. Welcome to the troubling waters that often exist between parents and teens!

Here's the good news: You know where he's at. He loves performing and he loves hip-hop. When teens love what they're doing, they tend to get darn good at it. If he grows into seeing dance as something he can't live without, he will build it into his life. Reality will show him that talent alone is not enough to succeed in a career. He will recognize how much work and sacrifices it takes to "make it." God willing, he'll roll up his sleeves and get the tools and training he needs. The possibility of that scenario may have to be enough to keep a worried mom from blowing his whole dance thing out of the water.

I don't know how you interact with your son, but here are a few more considerations to mull over: It's possible he needs to feel like he's in control of his life and isn't always reliant on Mom for decisions about the special projects he's involved in. Try backing off for a while. Offer him unconditional love (the kind that isn't measured by what he achieves or the directions you lay out for him). Be there for him in the good ways that only you and he know about. And don't skimp on the praise. Tell him how good it feels to see him dance so magnificently. Don't be afraid to say how proud you are of what he's doing. Let him know you respect his ideas even if they're different from yours. Along with that assurance, let him know you expect him to respect your ideas as well. This could relieve some of the pressure you're both feeling. In time, he may come to you and acknowledge the wisdom that's already been pointed out to him.

With my son, I've made more than my share of mistakes. He's made his, too. We've come a long way. Today, he's 23 and thriving in an acting career. I no longer impose my good advice on him unless it's asked for. When important career decisions come up, I try to keep my responses simple and assure him that I'm confident he'll come up with the right decisions on his own. When he makes the right one, he owns it. He's proud of himself When he makes the wrong one, he owns that as well. He's becoming everything I admire in working professionals--a strong young man developing standards through his (not my!) achievements, mistakes, and observations of the world around him.

Contact Grover Dale at these sites:
www.dancemagazine.com
www.answers4dancers.com
www.auditions4dancers.com