Ann Landers Advice Column, May 20

Editor's Note: Hundreds of Ann Landers' loyal readers have requested that newspapers continue to publish her columns. These letters originally appeared in 1998.

    Dear Ann Landers: "Judy" and I have been going together for 17 years. Our time together consists of one or two dates a week. We started seeing one another when she was separated from her husband and continued through the divorce. I've asked her to marry me several times. At first, she kept saying she wanted to wait until her daughter was grown and out of the house. That happened three years ago. Now, she says she needs more time to get to know me better.
    It is like pulling teeth to get Judy to spend more time with me. She comes to my apartment once or twice a year. I haven't been invited to her place in so long, I can't remember what year it was. She says she wants the right set of circumstances before coming to my place for the night. Although she's told me she cares about me, she rarely is able to say, "I love you."
    I believe Judy is afraid to make a commitment because of her bitter divorce. She swears this isn't true. I need someone to help me with this situation because I'm becoming impatient and frustrated. -- Los Angeles Reader
    Dear Los Angeles: You say you have been going with Judy for 17 years and she wants the "right set of circumstances" before she comes to your place for the night? Do you have any idea what "circumstances" she might be talking about? And what's with you that you have been willing to remain in this strange relationship for so long?
    If Judy will agree to go with you for counseling, it would be helpful. If not, go alone. If you allow things to rock along indefinitely and do nothing, you will miss out on the possibility of meeting some other woman who could be a wonderful partner.
    Dear Ann Landers: Way to go with your response to "Torn Up in California," whose 34-year-old son was angry because his parents were spending "his inheritance." I hope they spend it all. Children who would like their parents to scrimp and save in their later years so there will be a nice little inheritance deserve to be left nothing.
    My parents are in their 70s and in relatively good health. In the last few years, they have taken three cruises, bought two new cars and remodeled their home. They are not rich by any means, but they have worked hard all their lives and deserve to enjoy the fruits of their labors. When my brother and I were young, my parents gave us a wonderful childhood. We took family trips together, and they saw to it that we had college educations. We never had the biggest house on the block or the fanciest car, but we were comfortable.
    Now, every time Mom and Dad go on a nice vacation or buy some luxury item, I am delighted. They deserve it. I am happy to live close enough so we can spend time together and our children can enjoy their wonderful grandparents. I hope when my parents pass on, there will not be a single dime left for me. Nothing would make me happier than to know they spent it all on themselves. Please don't identify me by city or state, Ann. I would like a great many parents to think maybe this letter was written by one of their own. -- A Grateful Daughter
    Dear Grateful: What you have written is more than a letter -- it's a sermon. Thank you for making an enormous contribution to my readers today.
    That first kiss, that first embrace ... Remember all those things that brought you and your loved one together? "How We Met," a collection of sentimental love stories, will make a terrific gift for that special someone. For a copy, please send a self-addressed, long, business-size envelope and a check or money order for $5.50 (this includes postage and handling) to: How We Met, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. (In Canada, $6.50). To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.
ANN LANDERS (R)
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