Angels & demons: element in Europe.

WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO READ is a fictional story. Basically, as a lowly team manager I never get any attention, for most of this consideration falls upon the "superstars" I travel with. So in a lame attempt to make myself feel better, I'm going to tell the story of the latest Element Europe trip from my point of view (or at least how I might want it to be).

"AH, EUROPE," I thought to myself as I enjoyed my first-class seat and complimentary beverages that the cute, blonde stewardess gently handed me. See, last time I was here it wasn't so easy going, and I was hoping that this time around I wouldn't get myself caught up in any international scandals, high speed car chases through the tiny streets of Paris, or of course the short-lived affairs with the many European women that I always find myself waking up next to. But being an internationally known symbologist, cryptologist, and ornithologist, my chances of having a quiet trip to London, Paris, Brussels, Rotterdam, and Cologne seemed about as probable as distinguishing a female mallard from a female black duck from 50 yards. My objective this time was to check out a few sculptures and odd pieces of architecture that might have been used by the Europeans in an attempt to overthrow the US government. I was asked by the CIA to come have a look, to see if I could make anything of these structures.

I BROUGHT A TEAM of so-called experts--all under my direction, of course--to help me. First was London, where I sent the team to inspect a place where young Londoners often congregate under a riverside overhang. My team attracted a crowd, so I had to step in and rough up a few people. Luckily I didn't have to draw my weapon (which I keep stashed behind my ear, tucked under my hat), but it was still early in the trip. From there we went to another place outside of the city that was inhabited by some older gentlemen, all friendly, who had built a strange waterslide-looking thing. My team inspected it and we came to the conclusion that it was a good thing. No trouble here, so we decided to head to Brussels, upon where I would engage some of my European contacts.

I hadn't worked with this crew before, so being the "Indiana Jones" of international conflicts I instantly tested their abilities. Well, they passed with flying colors, so we were off to investigate some Belgian waffles (being an internationally known symbologist/ cryptologist/ornithologist, I have to do some touristy things to keep my cover). Again we didn't find any problems with the architecture, but we did witness an attack and a mauling, and one of my team was electrocuted as well. It's not easy being on the job in a foreign country.

NEXT WAS ROTTERDAM, where I split my team up. I had one group go check out the coffee shops while the others and I headed out to check a sculpture that had obviously been erected by some type of rebel group. While my team inspected the metallic object that resembled some sort of oceanic wave, I dipped off to try and steal some top-secret files from the object's designers. And that, my friends, was not easy. I'll keep it short, but let's just say I had to "subdue" a few guards, use one of my team's grappling hooks to scale a castle wall, lie to a few priests, and pick the lock on a safe with one of those doctor things. But the plans turned out to be legit, and by the time I got back to my team they had taken a few photos of the object but couldn't find anything scandalous about it. I instructed a select few to head over to Amsterdam that evening and investigate a few leads; they were gone all night and although nothing was reported to me, I think they might have found something.

MOVING RIGHT ALONG with no information as of yet that would implicate the Europeans, I decided that we would next go to Cologne. Again I had arranged to meet up with some unknown contacts. One, who smoked a lot of cigarettes, took us around some objects he thought we should have a look at. One was under a bridge, looked suspicious, and definitely was made by Europeans. My team inspected, again found nothing fishy, and we were on our way to what our guide said was a "semi-permanent wooden sculpture." Now if that doesn't scream "international scandal" I don't know what does. I was instantly on edge; I could feel the tension mounting ... would I have to fight? Maybe draw a weapon? Choke an overzealous interviewer? Make out with an Austrian woman prancing around in her underwear? Anything could happen. The structure was wet when we got there, which was instantly bothersome. But my team got right to work dissecting the thing. Hammering here, grinding there, just your everyday inspection. Just before the rain fell, my squad informed me that they could find nothing wrong, so I told them I'd treat them to dinner and we were off.

The next day, one of my European contacts had a lead on a man-made pond he thought we should definitely check out. I thought to myself, "Should I trust him? I mean, he is European." Luckily I did, because he had uncovered something that had never before been known about this "pond." We marked it in our notes, took a few photos, and split before the German guards came with their dogs.

WE HUSTLED RIGHT OUT of Germany and over to Paris. I thought to myself, "I'm running out of money and I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Everything I've been sent to cheek out has been legit!" I had a team meeting: "Guys, we're running out of time. If there's something here, we have to find it." So a last-ditch effort was made to make sure the Euros weren't plotting to overthrow the US, and here is where we were almost taken. We ended up being driven around the city by a local. Was he driving in circles? What about the architecture we had heard about? "Wait, this looks like a dead end!" one team member screamed.

We pulled out. We had to. But on the way back to the hotel, we decided to cheek on one more suspicious structure. After a thorough exam, it turned out to be good. I guess we had our answer.

There was nothing to find. If there had been, my team and I surely would have found it. So we said goodbye to our European contacts, grateful that they were on our side, and the team headed back to the States. I, meanwhile, was off to the Alaskan island of Attu, to see if I could spot any vagrant Eurasian species of shorebird that might have happened upon US soil.