And a retort spoken in due season, how rare it is!

Byline: Sid McKeen

COLUMN: WRY AND GINGER

There are few things in life as frustrating as not being able to come up with a great comeback right on the spot when somebody has just said something that annoyed you.

Case in point: When my wife and I were planning to get married five years ago, we asked the minister of a local church if he might officiate. We had both been wed before, she for 51 years and I for 47, and our first spouses had passed away. The clergyman told us he might consent to do it, but that we would need to attend three counseling sessions in advance of the ceremony. We decided to pass that up, and went on to be united by a probate court judge and personal friend.

I didn't think of it until we were well out of the sanctuary, which is the way things usually work with me, but I thought later of what I should have said in response: "Tell you what, Reverend. If you can find any counselors with 98 years of marriage experience, which is what we have between us, we'll be glad to listen to their advice."

Not being as quick-witted as I'd sometimes like, I have come to hold great respect for those who are able to think fast on their feet.

When it comes to remarkable retorts, my all-time favorite is credited to the master artist Michelangelo. As I have heard the story, he was finishing his famous painting of the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel in Rome while a group of cardinals and archbishops looked on. At some point, one of the clerics said to the others, "I believe he has made the face of the apostle Peter too red." Whereupon, without a moment's hesitation, Michelangelo is said to have countered, "He blushes to see into whose hands the church has fallen."

Way to go, Michelangelo.

Over the years, I've collected a few other retorts I wish I had the quickness of mind to have made myself.

Actress Ilka Chase, for example, was told by a colleague, "I enjoyed reading your book. Who wrote it for you?" She shot back, "Darling, I'm so glad you liked it. Who read it to you?"

Sen. Henry Clay famously proclaimed, "I would rather be right then be president." To which, Speaker of the House Thomas Reed, who represented the state of Maine, responded, "He doesn't have to worry, he'll never be either."

During a parliamentary debate in England, Lord Sandwich told a member of the opposition party, "Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don't know whether you'll die on the gallows or of the pox." John Wilkes replied, "That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

An anonymous singer told actress Miriam Hopkins, "You know, my dear, I insured my voice for $50,000." Answered Miss Hopkins, "That's wonderful. What did you do with the money?"

George Bernard Shaw wrote Winston Churchill, "Am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one." Churchill wrote back, "Impossible to be present for the first performance. Will attend second - if there is one."

I hope to match one of these someday, but time is running out.

Sid McKeen can be reached via e-mail at [e-mail].