An inside look at an outside candidate.

  This article traces the author's emotional journey of a job search,
  from finding what seems to be the perfect position to being turned
  down for the job. It is intended to remind counselors, employers, and
  job seekers of the emotional side of a process that is often seen as a
  simple series of rational, cognitive, and carefully planned steps.

I should have seen it coming. Maybe I didn't do enough research on the institution and the position; maybe I didn't pick up the cues because the position seemed so right for me; maybe I should have asked from the outset if there was an internal candidate. But I didn't.

The position was listed on the human resources page for the university. I had targeted particular parts of the country and specific universities for my job search and was regularly checking the position listings for those universities. The university, the department, and this position were exactly what I had been hoping to find. I didn't apply right away, though. I spent time exploring the Web pages for the department and related offices and departments. I looked at the history of the university and at its strategic plan. I sought out organizational charts. What I found looked good; it all seemed to be a fit with what I wanted and with what I had to offer. I was pleased to note that the chair of the search committee was listed as the interim director for the position for which I would be applying.

I crafted a resume and application letter tailored to the specific needs of the position and mailed my materials in time to meet the deadline for application. My only concern was the starting date. The application deadline was the end of October and the starting date was listed as January. Having chaired search committees in the past, I thought the hiring time line seemed very short, but decided that it was likely that the search committee simply wanted to complete the hiring process before the beginning of the spring semester. I wasn't sure how I would deal with a starting date that would come so quickly if I was hired, but I decided that I could negotiate that detail if I was offered the position.

After submitting my application, I continued to research the position and the university and added exploration of the surrounding community. I took the virtual tours of campus available from the Web page and visited all of the Chamber of Commerce sites. I even dipped into local news and events, reading articles from the online version of the city newspaper. Given the time I spent absorbing the details of the online photographs capturing the university and its home, I began to feel part of the community. Going for an interview would feel like returning to a place I knew well, but just hadn't visited in a while.

I was invited to interview. I was thrilled. With the offer of an interview, the focus of my research into the office and the university shifted. Now the goal was to find information that would help me to present myself well and ask good questions during the interview. I returned to Web pages for the department and throughout the university that I had viewed before and sought new Web pages I had not seen, looking at them now through the eyes of one who might be offered a position as a result of the interview.

This time through the Web pages, I noticed a number of interim positions on the organization chart for the division and made a note to ask about these temporary hires. The division chart and the office home page showed the names of two different people in the position of interim director for the position for which I was applying--the search committee chair and another person--and I wondered which one was current. I updated my portfolio and prepared for the flight that would take me to the city and the campus that existed so vividly in my mind.

When the agenda for the interview arrived, I noted with curiosity that the division administrator who would be interviewing me was a step above the administrator to which the director position reported. That seemed strange, and I determined to find out why the immediate supervisor was not part of the interview process. Still, it was close to the holidays and the semester had ended, so perhaps the direct supervisor for the position would be off on a vacation scheduled long before interviews for the position had been arranged.

I was a little surprised to see that the interview would involve only a half-day's time to meet with the administrator, the search committee, and members of the staff that the new director would supervise. Searches I had led for director positions typically involved a full day of activities, including a presentation on an assigned topic, meetings with students and with professionals outside of the office, and perhaps even a writing exercise. I noticed that a tour of the campus and community had not been included in the schedule for the day. When I asked the search committee secretary if they might be added to the schedule, she assured me that they could be arranged.

The interview with the division administrator went well. I felt we really connected on philosophies and goals for the office, so I was delighted to find that she would be the person to whom I would report if I were selected as the director. The administrator that I thought had been omitted from the interview process was not missing at all; the organization chart I had seen was an outdated one. The visit with the search committee also went positively, I felt. My preparation left me feeling that I had answers with specific illustrations from my experience for all of their questions. The give-and-take was easy, and we even shared some comfortable laughter several times during our conversation. Things seemed to be going well.

The interview with the office staff proceeded less smoothly than the one with the search committee. The interim director was not present, but other professional staff from the office were also not there, and again I decided that the closeness to the holidays probably explained the missing positions around the interview table. The support staff were pleasant but did not offer questions to me until prodded to do so by the search committee representative, who was also a member of the staff for the office. The conversation ended on a positive enough note, and I decided that the reticence of the support staff was the natural result of their not being frequent participants in interview teams.

Lunch followed the meeting with office staff. The group consisted of two members of the search committee, a representative from human resources, and me. I was given a brochure on benefits and asked if I had any questions about the package, and the rest of the time around the lunch table was spent in light conversation. I learned one last thing about the position before the day ended. The position had been advertised locally, rather than in the Chronicle of Higher Education, where openings with the university were usually listed.

The call came a week later, and the conversation was brief. The search committee chair informed me I had not been selected for the position; I expressed my disappointment. He wished me the best in future job searches; I wished him the best with his new director. I stood up and closed the door to my office. I knew I couldn't speak to anyone. I felt I had taken a deep blow to the gut, that a huge weight was crushing my chest. I could barely breathe. I felt not only disappointed, but somehow embarrassed and inadequate as well. What had I said that was the wrong answer? What had I done to prove I was not the right candidate? Where had I fallen short of expectations? In the days that followed the call, I began to put together the clues that had been there all along. There was an inside candidate. Why hadn't I seen it? I added feeling stupid to the list of emotions that had arisen with my rejection.

Time has passed since the interview. I ask myself if I would have done anything differently had I known there was an internal candidate. The answer is "no." I might have asked the search committee chair if there were an inside applicant, but I would have prepared the same way and interviewed the same way. As an administrator, I know what it is like to have an internal candidate as part of a position search. I know what it is like to have two qualified candidates and need to make a decision between them. I know that inside candidates don't always get the positions they hope to win, and I also know that there are candidate qualities and assets that go beyond measurable position description qualifications. So, I would still have applied, and I would still have been disappointed at the outcome. But had I known, it might have been easier to start breathing again after the call ended, and the ability to forgive myself for my short-comings--assumed and actual--might have come sooner.

Afterword

Counselors who work with job seekers can outline job search steps in a single breath: Research the position and the organization, analyze your skills and match them with employer needs, write a strong resume and application letter, practice for the interview, follow up with the employer. The steps sound simple enough. What is less simple is dealing with the range of emotions that accompany a job search. There are excitement and hope, visions of new beginnings. There are anticipation and impatience (When will they call me? How soon will I know their decision?) There are fears and feelings of vulnerability. (Do I really meet all the qualifications? Will I interview well?) There are feelings of power (I've done what needs to be done) and powerlessness (The decision is out of my control). And when the job does not materialize, there are grief over lost possibilities and opportunities and perhaps even doubt about who we are and what we are really capable of doing.

The experience of losing a job that I wanted very much and that felt like a perfect match reminds me as a counselor that my clients who are seeking work need more from me than job search strategies. They also need my help to deal with the wide-ranging emotions that will be tied to the job search process from the moment they find a job opening to the final decision on their application. I am reminded that a job search is less about finding jobs than about people searching--and that is never a simple process.

Donna Vinton, Advising and Career Services, University of Northern Iowa. Correspondence concerning this article should be addressed to Donna Vinton, Gilchrist 242, University of Northern Iowa, Cedar Falls, IA 50614-0384 (e-mail: [e-mail]).