Amtrak sucks traveling Soviet-style aboard America's $30,000,000,000.00 Nostalgia Toy!... CHICO, NEXT STOP! CHICO, CALIFORNIA ... CHICO?!? ACCORDING TO according to prep. 1. As stated or indicated by; on the authority of: according to historians. 2. In keeping with: according to instructions. 3. THE SCHEDULE WE SHOULD BE HALF-WAY THROUGH OREGON BY NOW! WE WERE JUST PULLING INTO SAN JOSE San Jose, city, United States San Jose (sănəzā`, săn hōzā`), city (1990 pop. 782,248), seat of Santa Clara co., W central Calif.; founded 1777, inc. 1850. WHEN WE WENT TO BED. WE'VE ONLY MOVED 200 MILES IN THE LAST EIGHT HOURS! AT THIS RATE WE'RE SURE TO BE SPENDING ANOTHER SLEEPLESS NIGHT IN THIS RATTLING TIN CAN BEFORE WE GET HOME TO SEATTLE ... MAYBE EVEN TWO NIGHTS ... OH, MY ACHING HEAD ... ?!? [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] OUR INITIAL TRIP DOWN THE WEST COAST WAS SUPPOSED TO TAKE THIRTY-SIX HOURS, BUT WE PULLED INTO L.A. AT 3AM, SIX HOURS BEHIND SCHEDULE. SOME "VIEW" ... WE'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT PILE OF SCRAP METAL FOR AN HOUR! THE "OBSERVATION DECK Ob`ser`va´tion deck 1. A room or platform at a high point in a tall building with a broad view of the surrounding area. It is often an outdoor platform, but is sometimes indoors in a room with large windows to accommodate viewing. " THE DELAYS WERE USUALLY BLAMED ON ONCOMING FREIGHT TRAINS, MOST OF WHICH WEREN'T MOVING FOR NEVER EVEN MATERIALIZED. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] OUR RETURN TRIP HAD EVEN MORE DELAYS--ONE OF WHICH WAS BLAMED ON A ROAD CREW WHOSE EQUIPMENT WAS BLOCKING THE TRACK ... ?!? WHERE IS EVERYBODY? DID THOSE TRACTORS MOVE THEMSELVES? BUT WHEN WE PASSED BY THERE WAS NO CREW! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE ENDLESS DELAYS COMPOUNDED OTHER PROBLEMS, WHICH ADDED TO AMTRAK'S OWN OBLIGATIONS AND EXPENSES ... WE'RE GONNA MISS OUR CONNECTING TRAIN TO SPOKANE ... ONLY YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT FOR SIX HOURS FOR THE DRIVER TO SHOW UP. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THEY ALSO MEANT MORE MEALS HAD TO BE SERVED THAN HAD BEEN PLANNED FOR ... EXCUSE ME--IS THERE A SAFEWAY NEARBY? WHICH MEANT MORE UNSCHEDULED STOPS 50 THE CHEF COULD RUN INTO TOWN TO BUY MORE FOOD! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] AS THESE PROBLEMS MOUNTED, SOME OF THE CREW GOT A BIT DEFENSIVE ... WHAT TIME WILL WE BE PULLING INTO PORTLAND NOW? 10 P.M., JUST LIKE THE SCHEDULE SAYS. BUT IT'S ALREADY 10:30 ... I SAID 10 P.M.! CASE CLOSED! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] OTHER CREWMEMBERS REMAINED AMIABLE, EVEN THOUGH (OR PERHAPS BECAUSE?) THEY SEEMED BORDERLINE RETARDED ... CAN ANYONE GUESS WHAT KIND OF WINE THIS IS? IT TASTES LIKE A SAUVIGNON BLANC ... WRONG! IT'S A "SAW-VIG-NON BLANK. GOTHCA! BUT, I--OH, NEVER MIND ... [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE DELAYS ALSO MEANT MORE "QUALITY TIME" WITH THE OTHER PASSENGERS, WHO WERE QUITE A STORY IN AND OF THEMSELVES: JERRY SPRINGER LADY ... SO THEN MY METH-ADDICT SISTER ACCUSES ME OF MOLESTING HER! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT SHIT? SWEET OLD BIRD, UNTIL SHE STARTS DRINKING OH DEAR. THAT'S A TOUGH BREAK ALL RIGHT. EUROTRASH PHILOSOPHER HIPPIE ALL YOU NEED IN THEEZ VORLD EEZ EEZ Exclusive Economic Zone LUFF luff n. 1. a. The act of sailing closer into the wind. b. The forward side of a fore-and-aft sail. 2. Archaic The fullest part of the bow of a ship. v. . WHO NEEDS MONEY? NOT ME! DESPERATE TO MAKE FRIENDS REALLY? HOW'D YOU GET ON THI THI Townscape Heritage Initiative (UK grant program) THI Temperature Humidity Index THI Taeknihaskoli Islands (Technical University of Iceland; Reykjavik, Iceland) THI Target Hazard Index TRAIN, THEN? NO WAY WAS SHE FROM VICTORIA MINNESOTA! KNOW WHY? 'CUZ THERE'S NO SUCH PLACE! GET ME AN ATLAS AND I'LL PROVE TI! CATATONIC (jargon) catatonic - A description of a system that gives no indication that it is still working. This might be because it has crashed without being able to give any error message or because it is busy but not designed to give any feedback. Compare buzz. MARINE CADET AMTRAK LIKES TO PROMOTE THE COMMUNAL NATURE OF RIDING THE RAILS, BUT MAN, WHAT A "COMMUNITY"! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] WHY WAS I ON THIS TOONERVILLE TROLLEY IN THE FIRST PLACE, YOU ASK? BECAUSE OF MY DAUGHTER'S EARS. THEY GIVE HER A LOT OF TROUBLE WHEN SHE FLIES, SO WE DECIDED TO TAKE THE "COAST STARLIGHT star·light n. The light from the stars. starlight Noun the light that comes from the stars Noun 1. " TO CALIFORNIA INSTEAD ... BABY I LOVE U-- THE TRAIN'S BRAKES "HITCH" ON V.C.R. BESIDES, AMTRAK'S WEB SITE MADE IT'S FIRST CLASS SECTION LIKE A HOTEL ON WHEELS. THEY EVEN HAVE AN "ENTERTAINMENT CENTER" ... OF SORTS ... [ILLUSTRATION OMMITED] AMTRAK'S DEFENDERS CLAIM THAT IT'S BECAUSE OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FLY THAT LONG-DISTANCE RAIL SERVICE IS A NECESSITY SINCE BUSES DON'T HAVE SLEEPER CARS ... STILL, MOST PASSENGER RODE COACH FOR THE ENTIRE TRIP AND PROBABLY SLEPT AS WELL AS WE DID (AND FOR ONE-TENT THE COST). [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THE REAL REASON AMTRAK'S INTER-CITY SERVICE EXISTS IS SIMPLY TO APPEASE PEOPLE WHO HAVE A "THING" FOR TRAINS. THERE GOES THE "ZEPHYA" ... RIGHT ON TIME FOR A CHANGE, TOO! --OOH! A RUSTING COAL CHUTE! I GOTTA TAKE A PICTURE! IN FACT, THE FIRST CLASS-SECTION OF OUR TRAIN CONSISTED ALMOST ENTIRELY OF THESE RAILROAD "BUFFS." [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE (MOSTLY OLDER WHITE MALE) BUFFS WILL FORGIVE AMTRAK ALMOST ANYTHING, AS THEY PRATTLE ON ENDLESSLY ABOUT THE "ROMANCE" OF RIDING THE RAILS ... ISN'T THIS ROMANTIC? I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN OLD MOVIE? AND SO WHAT IF WE'RE RUNNING LATE? I'M IN NO RUSH! AND I'M LATE FOR MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING, YOU SMUG RETIRED JERK! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] THESE "RAILROADIANS" ADHERE TO adhere to verb 1. follow, keep, maintain, respect, observe, be true, fulfil, obey, heed, keep to, abide by, be loyal, mind, be constant, be faithful 2. ONE SIMPLE SOLUTION TO ALL OF AMTRAK'S WOES: MORE GOVERNMENT FUNDING. WHOA whoa interj. Used as a command to stop, as to a horse. whoa interj a command used to stop horses or to slow down someone who is moving or talking too fast ! THESE TRACKS ARE IN BAD SHAPE ... IT'S NOTHING THAT MORE FEDERAL DOLLARS COULDN'T CURE ... --OOH! THERE GOES THE "SAN JOAQUIN San Joaquin (săn wäkēn`), river, c.320 mi (510 km) long, rising in the Sierra Nevada, E Calif., and flowing W then N through the S Central Valley to form a large delta with the Sacramento River near Suisun Bay, an arm of San Francisco Bay. ."! APPARENTLY THE MEANING OF THE PHRASE "THROWING GOOD MONEY AFTER BAD" HAS NEVER SUNK IN WITH THESE OLD-TIMERS. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] HERE'S MY SOLUTION: MAKE THESE TRAIN LOVERS PAY THE FULL COST OF TRAVELING LOND-DISTANCE BY RAIL, RATHER THAN MAKE TRAIN AVOIDERS (IE: 99% OF THE U.S. PUBLIC) FOOT MOST OF THE BILL. I INSIST ON TAKING THE TRAIN FROM DISNEYLAND TO DISNEYWORLD ... AND I DEMAND THAT YOU PAY FOR TWO-THIRDS OF MY TICKET PRICE! * THAT WAY WE'LL FIND OUT HOW MUCH THESE NOSTALGIC OLD COOTS REALLY LOVE THEIR CHOO-CHOO TRAINS! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] LONG DISTANCE TRAIN SERVICE HAS NEVER BEEN PROFITABLE. EVEN IN THE PRE-AMTRAK DAYS RAIL LINES OFFERED RURAL AND CROSS-COUNTRY PASSENGER SERVICE BECAUSE THE GOVERNMENT FORCED THEM TO ... WE SHOULD BE ARRIVING IN BILLINGS IN ... OH, A MONTH OR SO ... THIS LEGAL BURDEN ONLY GOT MORE EXPENSIVE WITH THE ADVENT OF AIRLINES AND HIGHWAYS, AND RAIL SERVICE DETERIORATED GREATLY AS A RESULT. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] COMMUNITIES AND TRAVELERS WITH A (PSYCHOLOGICAL MORE THAN LITERAL) DEPENDENCE ON RAIL SERVICE PANICKED AT THE THOUGHT OF ITS DEMISE AND LOBBIED THE FEDS TO "DO SOMETHING" ... ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO NATIONALIZE na·tion·al·ize tr.v. na·tion·al·ized, na·tion·al·iz·ing, na·tion·al·iz·es 1. To convert from private to governmental ownership and control: nationalize the steel industry. 2. PASSENGER TRAINS, MR. PRESIDENT Mr. President can refer to:
FEN. THAT INDUSTRY'S DYING, ANYWAY ... I JUST DON'T WANT IT TO HAPPEN ON MY WATCH. NOT WANTING TO TAKE THE BLAME FOR KILLING THE CHOO-CHOO, THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION PUT INTER-CITY TRAIN SERVICE ON LIFE SUPPORT, AND THUS, AMTRAK WAS BORN. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] BUT ONE SOMETHING BECOMES A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM IT NEVER DIES, AND JUST WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE AMTRAK IS HEADING FOR THE SCRAP HEAP scrap·heap also scrap heap n. 1. A pile or heap of waste material. 2. A place for discarding useless or worthless material. ITS BACKERS WILL USE SOME CRISIS LIKE THE OIL EMBARGO Oil embargo may refer to:
... IT APPEARS AMTRAK ACHIEVED NONE OF ITS GOALS SET OUT IN YOUR OWN MANDATE-- WHAT ABOUT 9/11?! OR ARE YOU GOING TO FORCE PEOPLE TO FLY?! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] AMTRAK'S RIDERSHIP DID GO UP AFTER THESE EVENTS, BUT SO DID THAT OF BUSES ... IN FACT, FOR EVERY PERSON WHO TAKES A TRAIN TO ANOTHER CITY, FIVE HUNDRED PEOPLE TAKE A BUS FOR THE SAME PURPOSES! MEANWHILE, MORE PEOPLE PASS THROUGH A MAJOR U.S. AIRPORT IN ONE DAY THAN USE AMTRAK IN AN ENTIRE YEAR ... SO FAR FROM BEING A "VITAL." PART OF MASS TRANSIT mass transit, public transportation systems designed to move large numbers of passengers. Types and Advantages Mass transit refers to municipal or regional public shared transportation, such as buses, streetcars, and ferries, open to all on a ; AMTRAK IS A MERE DROP IN THE BUCKET! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] IRREFUTABLE irrefutable - The opposite of refutable. ARGUMENTS FOR KILLING AMTRAK HAVE BEEN PRESENTED TIME AND AGAIN, INCLUDING THIS PAST YEAR TO THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION ... AMTRAK NOW CONCEDES IT WILL NEVER BREAK EVEN. THIS ADMISSION OF FAILURE OF ONE OF ITS FOUNDING MISSIONS IS REASON ALONE TO LIQUIDATE To pay and settle the amount of a debt; to convert assets to cash; to aggregate the assets of an insolvent enterprise and calculate its liabilities in order to settle with the debtors and the creditors and apportion the remaining assets, if any, among the stockholders or owners of the AMTRAK IMMEDIATELY ... ITS FEW PROFITABLE LINES COULD EASILY BE PRIVATIZED. THE REMAINING LINES COULD BE SUBSIDIZED BY THE STATES IF THEY CHOSE TO ... I SAY WE DO WHAT WE ALWAYS DO ... ... DENOUNCE THEM, AND THEN GIVE THEN MORE MONEY. [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] MEANWHILE, BACK ON THE "COAST STARLIGHT, 1 OVERHEADED A CONDUCTOR PASS THE BUCK Pass the Buck may refer to:
DON'T BLAME US. THIS IS UNION PACIFIC'S FAULT ... YOU SHOULD WRITE TO THEM, AND TELL THEM TO GIVE US THE RIGHT OF WAY! YEAH, LET'S TELL THEM HOW TO RUN THEIR OWN COMPANY! AND SO WHAT THAT THEY WEREN'T THE ONES WHO SOLD US TICKETS BASED ON A BOGUS "SCHEDULE"! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] NOT ONLY ARE FREIGHT TRAINS MORE PROFITABLE FOR RAIL LINES, BUT SCRAP METAL DOESN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT DELAYS' OR WOBBLY TRACKS ... GRRR GRRR Golden Retriever Rescue of the Rockies GRRR Graduated Response for Risk Reduction GRRR Group Ratio Round Robin ... ROAD HOGS For the style of stock car racing, see Road hogs (stock car racing). Road Hogs is the second role-playing game supplement to the After The Bomb setting of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Other Strangeness game. ! IN FACT, THE AMERICAN RAIL SYSTEM WOULD WORK JUST FINE IF IT WEREN'T FOR THOSE STUBBORN HUMANS CLOGGING UP THE TRACKS! [ILLUSTRATION OMITTED] P. Bagge '05 (peterbagge@earthlink.net) |
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