All of me: in the NBA John Amaechi didn't lie. He just didn't say he was gay. Now he's come out; some critics say it's too late. What's a 6-foot-10 man of principle to do?

When 36-year-old former NBA center John Amaechi came out as a gay man in February, he was not hailed as a hero. Why did he wait till he was retired? gay critics carped. Why did he have to air his private business at all? straight critics rejoined. It's instructive commentary on what we expect of our heroes and what we expect of ourselves. In a gay press exclusive interview with The Advocate, Amaechi opens up about the real dangers of being gay in the big leagues--and why no active male professional athlete is coming out anytime soon.

Born in the U.S. and raised in England, Amaechi started his basketball career at Penn State, home of the notoriously homophobic women's coach Rene Portland. He played for four NBA teams in five years. He turned down a $17 million contract with the L.A. Lakers to stay with the Orlando Magic before moving to the Utah Jazz, where he had a combative relationship with coach Jerry Sloan. Case in point: When Sloan called him the c word during a game, he told him to fuck off. He is the first male pro basketball player to tell the world he's gay and only the sixth male athlete in the major U.S. pro sports ever to come out.

With Amaechi, it's not how high he rose in the NBA but that he got there at all. His new memoir, Man in the Middle (ESPN Books, $25.95), uncorks a story of tough challenges met with tougher resolve. Example: Amaechi's right hand was nearly severed when he was 16 at the time he started playing ball. So, he became ambidextrous--a skill that helped him get to America and the pros.

Being gay was not the point then. It is now. In addition to his work in England with his Amaechi Basketball Center, Amaechi is a new spokesman for Human Rights Campaign's Coming Out Project. "I'm resilient enough, eloquent enough, and outspoken enough to try and open some minds," he says. Here are excerpts from our conversations.

John, since you came out, speculation has been buzzing about how the NBA might react to an openly gay player. LeBron James says that teammates' trust would be damaged more by a player who's in the closet than one who's openly gay. Do you think that's realistic?

No, I think it's naive. I haven't yet heard him answer the question, Would there be a problem with you playing with a gay player? As it is, it's one of those double binds--like, "Gay people are promiscuous, but we're not going to let you marry to prove that's wrong."

You've read the February 7 column by out ESPN columnist LZ Granderson. He asks: "When will somebody man up and come out while they're still playing?"

Yes, interesting use of language ... He's allowed his point of view. [But] in many ways, it dismisses the depth of the problem. And it also shows a remarkable lack of empathy--not for me in particular but for the issue as a whole.

How so?

People who watch sports say these kind of things. And yet look at what happened when Sheryl Swoopes, the Michael Jordan of women's basketball, came out. I have the utmost respect for her--one, because she would have kicked my ass on the basketball court, and two, because what she did is immensely brave for a woman in her position. But ... her coming-out didn't stop marketers in women's basketball from trying to make it less lesbian. It didn't stop them from using camera shots that don't show the crowd. It didn't transform women's basketball.

Parents, who are tied by blood to their children, throw them out of the house for being gay. So I don't know if it's true that having a big-time player come out would make a bunch of people sitting and watching television change their point of view completely. I don't know if that argument is thought through well enough.

This same column addresses closeted players who are still in the NBA: 'This is supposed to be the best time of your life. Isn't it about time you have the courage to try to enjoy it?"

Yeah. I think again ... so lacking in any kind of empathy and wide-ranging understanding of the more global issue. Who is he--or me--to presume that it would be more fun to go into that scrutiny? I can tell you right now that had I been playing, the scrutiny [I've received] would have thrown my team into disarray.

Do you think anything you do or say will change basketball?

I'm trying to encourage an open-mindedness of people, sort of one person at a time. I'm trying to be a part of that in partnership with other organizations and using my own influence as far as it will go.

After your ESPN TV interview a fan posted this message: "My respect ... for any athlete who takes the bold step of coming out is greatly diminished when such a move is tied to the publication of a book, making it seem ... it was done because it will generate extra publicity and greater book sales." Response?

I do hope it generates greater book sales, absolutely. Because I want people to hear what I have to say. But again, people have to wise up. I am not J.K. Rowling. I don't show up at a publisher and they give me hundreds of thousands of dollars. That's not how it works. At the very best, this book is a break-even proposition for me. Even as I sit here, I'm not working for my consultancy in England.

But is this partly an effort to get a second shot at fame in the United States?

No. That's not my thing. I don't think it was particularly my thing when I played in the NBA. The bottom line is, I can use whatever spotlight has been shined at this time for a very positive purpose, just as I did with basketball. But ... it's for me to prove that to people, I'm sure.

In your book you speak about your friend Ryan going to games with the wives and girlfriends in Salt Lake City. Did he go as your boyfriend?

No, no, he's just my friend.

Would you have felt safe inviting a boyfriend and having him sit with the wives and girlfriends?

Uh, yeah. With Ryan and the rest in there, it really wouldn't have made any difference.

Your teammates saw these guys. They must have put two and two together and figured you were gay, do you think?

I think it would be hard not to.

Did you ever hear anything about that from them?

Nope.

You know of course [Utah Jazz coach] Jerry Sloan is now on the news saying he has no particular memory of anything more than a couple of disagreements with you.

Sounds like the Scooter Libby trial, doesn't it? [Laughs]

Some people have already come forward and said you just didn't play up to Jerry Sloan's expectations and that's why you got cut. And that the gay thing is just you trying to make it easier for yourself. Any truth to that?

I know I didn't play up to Jerry Sloan's expectations. But the guy also said that I didn't deserve to play because I didn't love the game. Now, does that speak of a person who really wants to give me that shot? [In Man in the Middle, Sloan asks if Amaechi loves the game and is angered when Amaechi answers that how he feels about the game has no effect on how he plays.]

Is it a coincidence that every good game I played, or even half-decent game I played, was then followed by a DNPCD. You know: "[Did] Not Play, Coach's Decision"?

Jerry certainly had a more than average dislike for me. And given this is the NBA, a business that is quite honed, you would expect people to do their due diligence. Even without knowing that I was gay, they could gather what type of person I am and know whether I'm appropriate for their team or not. It's not as if I started being outspoken when I arrived there.

So just the fact that you're an outspoken person may have given offense.

Listen, I'm on a team where members of stafftold me that I hate white people. Now, even if they only believed that slightly, is that going to increase or decrease my chances of playing on a team like the Utah Jazz? [Pauses] Can I just reiterate: I don't hate white people. I hate stupid people.

Someone might also argue that since Sloan did not think highly of your athletic ability, coming further and further out of the closet was sort of a revenge--sort of, "OK, I'll make the team look bad, then."

I don't know why that would make the team look bad. My teammates and I got along very well in Salt Lake City.

Have you heard from any of them about your book coming out?

No. This is my thing to do. I'd love for one or more of them to become staunch straight allies, in the vernacular, but it's not their task to come out on this. It's my task. It's too much responsibility to place on anyone's shoulders without consulting them.

These are your friends, though, right? Are you hoping to hear from them? Are you hoping to hear "good going"?

Well, I can't pretend that I'm not. Of course I would love to hear that.

Let's talk about NBA commissioner David Stern and his quote: "We have a very diverse league. The question at the NBA is always 'Have you got game.' That's it. End of inquiry." Is that remotely true?

I don't think that David Stern wants a league that is bigoted. I know that for a fact. I've spent time with him. But again--I know I keep overusing the word "naive"--but you can't toll me that a league that is 80% black and 0% gay is what you'd call a diverse league. Is it?

If you were talking to David Stern right now, could you give him any thoughts, or could you give managers and coaches any thoughts on how to make it safer?

Yes. They've got a wonderful program in the NBA where they work with the players on issues like conflict within families and wives, girlfriends, that type of thing. Drugs and alcohol is part of this program. It's quite groundbreaking in terms of professional sports, I think. But what you've got to do to make things bettor is include this issue. When you start talking to people in the sexual health part of this course, use the word "partner." Make it implicit that you understand that not everybody in that room might be straight. It's a little thing, but it's a big thing.

Let's talk about Rene Portland. Did you know her when you played at Penn State?

What were your exchanges like?

She loved me, I think, as a player.

Do you think she would have loved you if she'd known you were gay?

Apparently not! [Laughs]

Are you surprised that reaction to your coming-out is not universally positive?

No, of course not! As an apparently straight person in the NBA, I was a wonderfully polarizing figure anyway.

What would your mum, who was your undying supporter in your growing-up years, think of your coming-out at this point?

She would support me in what I believe is my well-thought-out plan.

You write about her telling you, "Son, you've got to recognize your soul in the dark"--in other words, you must be true to yourself no matter what. Is coming out now part of recognizing your soul in the dark?

It is definitely that. I've described various parts of me that I consider personal in order to illuminate things for people, but I've not used this part in the past.

I understand that people think, "Oh, the credibility's lost because he's put a book out," but if people actually knew me, that's the most logical way I would do it. I spoke to my book agent the other day, and he said, "Do you know it's been three years since we first spoke and started this process?" It's been a concerted effort to do this in this way partly because I'm not LeBron James. Everybody doesn't already know everything about me. Therefore it's important that when this message comes out, it's more than just what the media want to talk about, more than just "Big gay black guy needs to come out." There needs to be a greater understanding of where I'm coming from and what I've tried to achieve. And that can't be done in a series of eight-minute clips on Outside the Lines.

So why are you doing this now?

Because this, the last few years, is a time when I'm very resolved, have a great understanding of myself, and have come to some good peace. And that has put me in a position where I can be resilient enough, eloquent enough, and outspoken enough to do a good job not only for GLBT people but to try and open some minds in general. And this is not a position I was in, perhaps, some six years ago. But it is a position I'm in now. So now it is that I do this. So why not three years ago? Because I didn't have a book. I didn't have a way of giving everybody the whole message. And I wanted that.

Playing devil's advocate, would your book have sold if there weren't a coming-out story in it?

Not in this country, perhaps. In England, probably.

You're going to be a spokesman for the Human Rights Campaign's Coming Out Project. What does that involve for you?

A number of things. I'll be spending some time at colleges and doing some speaking for them, trying to create a dialogue on campuses--but also, in a more general sense, to try and create awareness of the coming-out process, how it is very individual for different people. Really I'm trying to forge a partnership with HRC in the same way that in England I have partnerships with charities. It's going to be mutually very beneficial, because they have great experience and depth and penetration into this country, and I believe that I can be a reasonable vehicle for them. Not the ideal vehicle, as LZ has said. But I'm as good as there is right now.

Do you call on NBA players who are playing right now to come out right now?

No. I call on them to try and live more openly, as much as they are comfortable doing and feel safe doing. I call on them not to lie and become [outwardly] homophobic. There's a temptation there: To try and protect yourself, you become the opposite. But people have to come to their own comfort. [Coming out is not] this thing you do and then it's done. It's a gradual process that's individual for different people.

People need to have some empathy for some of these young men in the NBA and the NFL, and major-league baseball and any other professional sport, and understand it's going to be different for each different person. Not everybody is resilient. Not everybody is outspoken. Not everybody is well-spoken.

And what do you say to gay sports fans and gay people everywhere who are impatient for people just to tell the truth?

I would say, Really think about what you're asking. Let's talk about that when all the gay people who work at Wall Street firms and delis, and all the gay people who work in hotels and finance, and HR and so on, tell the truth.

It's that principle issue. It's easy for people when the stakes aren't that high. But when the stakes are really high--potentially losing your job, your endorsements, your fans; potentially losing an element of safety--I can't judge that. And not just because I didn't do it when I played. I have some empathy for that position.

I guess at the deli, if you fear you're going to lose your job, you think those stakes are very high too.

Yeah. OK, so are you telling me that all the people who are demanding this are people who are out? I don't think so. Somebody wants somebody to fall on the sword for them. I don't think it's that reasonable. I wish that there was somebody out there who would come out. But they must be resolved, they must be secure, they must be really ready. Otherwise they will be no use to us at all ... Maybe that's an unkind use of words. It's just ... I don't know how predisposed you would be to be an activist if you're forced into that position, especially if it's by other gay people.

I understand that I'm not LeBron James. But the next person who tries to say that because I was an average NBA player, that means that I'm no use to you, I have news. I am going to earn it. I have never been one who's shy about putting my money where my mouth is. I will earn it.

GAY IN THE PROS

Before John Amaechi came out publicly, you could count the number of out professional male athletes in U.S. team sports on one hand--literally.

Those five are:

Billy Bean 

Baseball

Played for the Detroit Tigers, Los Angeles Dodgers, and San Diego Padres. Came out in 1999.

Glenn Burke 

Baseball

Played for the Los Angeles Dodgers: and Oakland Athletics, Came out in Died of AIDS complications in 1995.

Dave Kopay

Football

Played for the San Francisco 49ers, Detroit Lions, Washington Redskins, New Orleans Saints, and Green Bay Packers. Came out in 1975.

Roy Simmons 

Football

Played for the New York Giants and Washington Redskins. Came out in 1992.

Esera Tuaolo 

Football

Played for the Green Bay Minnesota Vikings, Jacksonville Jaguars, Atlanta Falcons, and Carolina Panthers. Came out in 2002.

RELATED ARTICLE: Big league hate.

by Jeff Pearlman

Nearly eight years ago, while working as a writer at Sports Illustrated, I was assigned to fly to Atlanta and spend the day with a Braves relief pitcher named John Rocker.

During the seven hours we hung out together, Rocker offered enough pointed, satanic thoughts to fill 10 notebooks, lie hated blacks, he hated foreigners, he hated New Yorkers, and he hated people with colored hair and AIDS.

He also hated 'the faggots."

For the record, that was his choice of word. Not gay. Not lesbian, Not homosexual.

"Faggot."

During a visit to Disney World a few weeks earlier, Rocker told me, he was disgusted by all the life-size characters roaming the Magic Kingdom. "You know Mickey and Goofy and Donald and all those guys?" he asked me with the straightest of faces. "They're faggots in costume. All of'em."

Though many years have passed, I thought of Rockers words recently when I heard that one-time Orlando Magic center John Amaechi had come out of the closet. As was the case when former Green Bay Packer nose tackle Esera Tuaolo came out nearly five years ago, one of the more common reactions has been, "Man, why won't one of these jocks take the big step and admit their homosexuality while they're still active? Now, that would be groundbreaking."

Here's the answer: Most male professional athletes don't like, trust, or understand gays. These are human beings who were raised to think in a remarkably singular manner; to equate manhood not with open-mindedness or a big heart but with the ability to dunk or sprint or throw with immense power. Real men don't cry, don't admit pain, don't quit, and don't--under any circumstances--engage in sexual relations with someone of the same sex. As a former Washington Nationals relief pitcher named T.J. Tucker once told me, "I've got nothing against those people. But I don't get why anyone would want to be like that."

Because no active player from the "big four' male professional sports leagues--the NBA, NFL, NHL, and Major League Baseball--has ever come out, we don't know what the repercussions would be. But here's a guess: In baseball, the most conservative of America's four major sports, beanballs would come hard, fast, and straight for the head. In football there'd be illegal chop blocks to the knees and late hits to the skull. Life inside the clubhouses would be unbearable--rubber penises hanging from locker stalls, soaps on ropes, Bible-thumpers damning gay players to hell and demanding trades from team owners. "I'm sure 'Gary Gay' is a nice fella," the quote would go, "but I don't need to be near no faggot. That stuffs contagious."

I'm no expert, but I can tell you this: Just a few weeks ago I took my wife and two children to Disney World for four days. We walked the park, rode the rides, and posed for myriad pictures with Mickey, Donald, Pluto, and the gang.

As far as I can tell, I'm still straight.

Pearlman is a contributing columnist to ESPN, com and the author of Love Me, Hate Me: Barry Bonds and the Making of an Antihero.

RELATED ARTICLE: Gay in the NBA: the buzz.

by Greg Hernandez

As the first NBA player to publicly acknowledge he is a gay man, the now-retired John Amaechi has touched off a firestorm of debate within the league over how an active player might be received by teammates and fans if he were to step out of the closet.

"If coming out were easy, everyone would be doing it," says LZ Granderson, a columnist for ESPN the Magazine. 'Would they have an easy time? No. Coming out just isn't easy. It's going to be difficult."

Granderson, who is himself gay, isn't especially impressed with Amaechi's coming out since it's occurring more than three years after he played his last game in the NBA. He knows closeted pro athletes are usually "miserable" and asks, "When will somebody simply man up?"

"I'm not trying to be disrespectful of John or any other closeted athlete," Granderson tells The Advocate. "I'm just trying to draw attention to the fact that we are in a different place now. Being alone and wanting to kill yourself: How is that any more peaceful than dealing with homophobia? We are talking about a field with a high level of celebrity, so there will be a lot more attention drawn to it. But because [of that] celebrity, [out gay athletes] will also be able to receive a high level of support."

Liz Robbins, national NBA writer for The New York Times, believes there are gay players in the NBA right now who aren't likely to take up Granderson on his challenge. "I think there are players who are gay in the NBA. I don't see how it's possible that there are no gay active players," Robbins says. "The peer pressure is too much. John basically talks about the homophobic fear in locker rooms. The behavior that men have in locker rooms comes so close to homosexual behavior, they don't want to be labeled that way. It cuts a little close to home."

And certainly the reaction of some players indicates that to be true. The Philadelphia 76ers' Steven Hunter reacted to Amaechi's book by saying to a reporter, "For real? He's gay for real? Nowadays it's proven that people can live double lives. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of sick, perverted stuff about married men running around with gay guys and all types of foolishness.... As long as he doesn't make any advances toward me I'm fine with it. As long as he came to play basketball like a man and conducted himself like a good person, I'd be fine with it."

Then there is Cleveland Cavaliers player LeBron James, who was quoted as saying that if an active player were to come out, it might lead to trust issues with teammates. "We spend so much time together we're like family. You take showers together, you're on the bus, you talk about things. With teammates you have to be trustworthy. If you're gay and you're not admitting that you are, you're not trustworthy. It's the locker room code. It's a trust factor."

In contrast, Miami Neat center Shaquille O'Neal believes locker room mentality could work in a gay player's favor by rallying his teammates to his defense, and the Orlando Magic's Grant Hill applauded Amaechi's decision to go public, saying, "The fact that John has done this, maybe it will give others the comfort or confidence to come out as well, whether they are playing or retiring."

Doc Rivers, head coach of the Orlando Magic during Amaechi's two seasons with the team, told reporters, "There's no taboo subject in the locker room. I think if he would have come out, they would have got on him jokingly. They would have held no punches and they would have made fun of him just like they make fun of guys here. That's the locker room and that's not going to change. I actually think that when guys do come out, when that day happens, it will make it easier. I can't wait until it's not an issue."

In addition to bigoted teammates, homophobic fans--especially those for opposing teams--would most certainly rear their ugly heads at games.

'I think fans basically use anything they can to have an advantage," says Robbins. "It would be worse in certain spots. There are places in the U.S. where you can still hear racist comments. Certain fans would be enlightened. The NBA has a policy that if a fan is disruptive, shouting obscenities, then he or she would be removed. The league has been very concerned with image."

Adds Salt Lake Tribune NBA writer Phil Miller, "It would be an issue with fans; a lot of bigots are out there. It would be a challenge to the player to live with the taunts. People can be pretty ugly."

So what if an active player did decide to come out? Would he be protected from job discrimination by the NBA? When the Amaechi story broke NBA commissioner David Stern told the Associated Press, "We have a very diverse league. The question at the NBA is always, 'Have you got game?' That's it, end of inquiry."

Stern declined an interview request from The Advocate, with a league spokesman indicating that Stern's comments to the AP would be his only words on the subject.

Granderson and other NBA reporters anticipate that the media spotlight that would shine on any player coming out in this very image-conscious league would render antigay firings unlikely, even in states without specific protections for gays in the workplace.

"Do you think the team with an openly gay player is going to cut the guy the next day and deal with the media scrutiny that will come with that decision?" Granderson asks. "Look at what happened to Snickers. Do you want to be the executive who cuts the first openly gay athlete? You better have a damned good reason."

In his book Amaechi alleges that Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan made homophobic comments during the two seasons he played for him. Through a team spokesman, Sloan declined to comment for The Advocate. But he had acknowledged to basketball beat writers that his relationship with Amaechi was shaky, saying, "We didn't see eye to eye on a few things." Sloan added that he did not know Amaechi was gay and that, "Oh, yeah, it would probably have mattered. I don't know; I always have people's feelings at heart."

Miller, who covered Amaechi's second season with the Jazz, says, "John insinuates in his book with really flimsy evidence that there was bias. John's issues were beyond just an antigay bias. John had a big contract and didn't live up to it, and it really ticked off the coaches. That was the root of his problems."

Miller thinks that in some ways Amaechi has already tested the waters for an active player, since in the final years of his NBA career his sexuality was more of an open secret. "I'd say I was aware that he was gay, and I think most of his teammates were," Miller says. "I think there was sort of a unwritten rule that we don't want to know about it. I think everyone is more comfortable not confronting an issue. Everyone is happier just not thinking about it. He says in the book that he basically dared the media to out him. But if that was the case, I was missing the signs. Most beat writers don't write about players' sex lives, whether heterosexual or gay, unless they make an issue.

"Without a test case I don't think we'll know. I think the fact that it was an open secret here gives hope."

Hernandez is a staff writer for the Los Angeles Daily News.