All hail the new world order.

SECRET SOCIETIES, ANCIENT SECTS, AND CRYPTIC CULTS. They're out there, behind the scenes, pulling the strings of world events, orchestrating military coups and putting spooky symbols on our money. Some say these shadow groups have dictated the course and outcome of almost every war, recession and revolution in history. Their fingerprints are all over history's biggest assassinations--Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King Jr., John F. Kennedy, Chris Farley. These clandestine clans are in cahoots, too. Steering mankind in various ways toward their own, mysterious agenda. Does it all sound like X-Files mumbo jumbo? The ranting of a paranoid schizophrenic? Perhaps. Or perhaps that's exactly what they want you to believe. It's in their interest to have these conspiracy theories discredited and ridiculed. They operate a cabal of confusion. It's easy to be paranoid when people really are out to get you. Let's lift the veil and take a look at this inner circle of secrecy.

Ryan Smith, switch 360 flip

FREEMASONS

These guys are the original Sovereign Sect. They make the Alien Workshop underworld look like a goof-troop of Dungeons and Dragons fanatics. How old-school are the Freemasons? Try Babylon and Ancient Egypt. Legend has it the clan formed as a secret fraternity of builders who erected the Tower of Babel. They're also associated with the construction of King Solomon's Temple in Jerusalem and the pyramids of Egypt. By Medieval times the group had evolved into its current state of Freemasonry complete with ranks, symbols, and rituals all influenced by centuries of ancient ooga-booga stuff they picked up along the way. Big deal, right? Sounds like it's just a union of old dudes who bro-down at the lodge and perform ceremonies that interest no one but themselves. For the most part, that's correct. Almost every city has a Masonic temple. They're in the phone book. They're active in their communities and do a lot of charitable work. No secrets here. However, as any street-walking nutjob will tell you, those aren't the people we're talking about. 99% of Freemasons don't know or understand the ultimate agenda of those in the highest rank--33rd Degree Freemasons. These guys are the ones supposedly up to all the creepy stuff. Rituals involving occult mysticism, sacred geometry(!) and who knows what else go down at their secret meetings. A vague stated Freemason goal of 'Perfection of Creation' has led some to wildly conclude that the group is in the business of clearing out the current sorry state of mankind and wants to usher in a new era of perfect beings. It's said that to help with this ambitious project they've, understandably, enlisted the help of "aliens and other inter-dimensional entities," who also perform in the rituals. One envisions a 33rd Degree Freemason lodge meeting resembling the bar scene from Star Wars.

Spanky, kickflip wallride

ILLUMINATI

These guys are the ones who give even the Mafia the Willies. The Illuminati (Greek for illumination) know where the real power is, and it's not sitting around in a City Council or Chamber of Commerce, flicking boogers. The power is in money and these guys have it. All of it, essentially. No, they're not trillionaires but they control the flow of money on a global scale, which is in some ways better than owning it. If you own a lot of money everyone knows who you are and what you're spending it on. Instead, these guys form a worldwide network of elite international bankers and economic advisors who are embedded throughout governments of the world. It's often said (by lunatics) that all global trade, aid, and loans go through the Illuminati. Their plan? Oh, nothing big, really. Just a little something called TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION! It all started in 1760 when a German chap named Adam Weishaupt formulated a plan to bring about the destruction of all existing governments and religions so that an elite order, the Illuminati, could rule the world. Employing the "divide and conquer" strategy, they have since gone on to instigate every war and revolution in the past 250 years. The idea is to have the world continually fighting and weakening itself until the Illuminati can just cake-walk in and take over. What's particularly Spooky about the Illuminati is how patient they are and how their plot oozes from one century to another. They know it takes time to make the world crumble, so they do their work over many generations. They'll never see the fruits of their labor, but they know that future Illuminati whipper-snappers will. Simple logic may lead you to believe that this ridiculously open ended time frame itself proves there is no puppet master super-group. You fool! That shows you're just another cog in the wheel of conspiracy.

So, can any Sir Lurk-A-Lot join the illuminati and get in on the fun of ruling the world? Hell no. They have extensive requirements involving your family bloodline and IQ. In fact, they'll know all of this before you even ask, so don't bother, numb nuts.

Darrell Stanton, nollie heelflip

CIA

"The Central Intelligence Agency? Of course they're cloaked in secrecy," you exclaim, "spying is their job, you methane huffing doofus!" True, but as any paranoid with an drug-induced delirium will tell you, the CIA has long-since spun out of control of the US government and now has missions and objectives all its own, accountable to no one. Interestingly, many of today's highly esteemed secret society experts (you know the ones) have concurred that the most popular conspiracy involving the CIA--that they were involved in the assassination of JFK--is nothing more than a ruse, a red herring. It was a wild goose chase hatched to distract the media from the agency's more devious plans. Namely, the other-worldly arrangement they have with aliens, allowing them free-reign to abduct and probe at will in the American heartland in exchange for access to their space age technology and weapons. The aliens get to breed more of their big headed ilk in test tubes with human DNA and the CIA get the goods on lasers and how to teleport without getting a jumbled ass-face on the other side. However, in a truly head spinning Spy Vs. Spy scenario, some say (again, lunatics) that the CIA is actually working the double-agent angle and will use the alien weaponry to defeat the very aliens they received the technology from. Three cheers for the CIA! Yet, realistically, one must consider that an alien race capable of inter-stellar space travel covering billions of light years wouldn't be so easily duped. Until this galactic battle of wits is decided, you only have to remember that... we're all just pawns in the game, awaiting a checkmate.

[R]patent pending #34727395500

Sean Hayes, backside lipslide

NEW WORLD ORDER

The New World Order is not a specific group but a concept. The Bible's Book of Revelations talks about the end of time and the circumstances that lead up to it. A brief reference to a "one world government" that will exist before Armageddon has snowballed into a cottage industry filled with books, videos and seminars on how the end is nigh (that means near). In two speeches in the late 1980s, US President Bush I and Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev both made the mistake of using the term "New World Order" to describe the coming age of increased global connectedness. To some, it was a generally positive, hope-filled, even obvious, sentiment. To others, it conjured images of Satanic hellfire. The term NWO and its message sealed the deal for those who studied Revelations. Now they knew something was afoot. The sinister movement was exposed. NWO observers point out the United Nations, globalization and the far reach of the English language as signs that that the world is coalescing into a single one-world government, just as the prophecy described. They say next up to bat is a cashless society where all exchange is digital, and then we get a "mark of the beast," which is not an Iron Maiden box set but a tattooed bar code on our neck or maybe a microchip embedded in our skin. Rodney tried to spread the word with a curious A-Team board graphic series, but there weren't too many takers. Strange, because that team fuckin' ripped.

CLIFF NOTES

Too busy to read? Incapable of
reading? Just look at the icons
dummy. Figure it out from here

                  OUT TO    WORLD DOMI-   ALIEN         PERHAPS
                  GET YOU   NATION        INVOLVEMENT   TOTAL B.S.

FREEMASONS           *          *              *
ILLUMINATI           *          *                           *
CIA                             *              *
NEW WORLD ORDER      *          *                           *

NOW, FOR THE 'COVER-OUR-ASS' DISCLAIMER:

To the above-mentioned secredt societies, it should noted we were just
messing around here. Our information came from a highly suspect Google
search. If any of you do take over the world, count us in. we're here
to help

Bryan Herman, 360 flip