Alison's Diary: Pal goes for a sauna in health club. 2 other women are sitting naked. Next day she sits nude in sauna..and 2 guys in trunks walk in Friday Saturday.

Byline: ALISON CRAIG

Monday

This time of year seems to bring a selection of illnesses and snotty noses. Louis has a sore throat and looks like Casper the exhausted ghost. I insist he stays in bed and I cancel my day, which included lunch with Stephen Jardine, a meeting with Waverley Care about organising their next ball and an appointment with my physiotherapist as I seem to be developing a hump.

Instead, I stay in and face the horrendous prospect of having to deal with my paperwork. Sit down in a half hundred weight of paper and sigh. Louis shouts: 'Can watch telly?' 'Yes, what are you going to watch,' I ask. 'Lord Of The Rings,' he replies. Well, I can either go through my letters, bills and receipts or sit, drink tea and watch Gollum and Frodo. Not much of a choice is it? Mmmn, I may do this every Monday.

Tuesday

Friend phones in a state of panic. She joined a health club last week and after her first workout she intended to go for a wee swim then have a sauna. She went into the sauna and sat in her swimsuit but all the other women just got their kit off. So on day two she decided to do the same.

Taking a deep breath, she ditched her towel and was relieved to be alone. Then the door opened and two men walked in. They were in trunks and towels and she was stark naked. She was horrified and didn't know what to do. When they saw her they looked at each other, turned round and left. She's now convinced they thought she was a dirty old woman who had shed her Mac. There's equality for you. girls, female flashers.

Wednesday

Louis is still off school sick.I don't think he's skiving but decide to take him to see a doctor, just to be sure. After he is examined, the doctor tells me he has tonsillitis. Louis's face lights up like a beacon his illness has a name and he now has proof he's not skiving. I feel very guilty so buy him the Beano Spring Special on the way home then make him a hot chocolate and a buttery hot cross bun. I decide to make soup. I'm turning into a soup dragon lately, I've been addicted to broccoli soup, onion soup, carrot soup, all soup. But it is helping me in my quest for a smaller bottom according to my scales I have lost about half a stone. Yahoo!

Thursday

My dogs need their annual inoculations which means a day of fiascos lies ahead. Take a deep breath and start the finely-tuned military-like operation. Flora is a half haggis, half womble dog who hates cars and usually vomits in them, Mullet is a big, geriatric, hairy collie while our latest addition, Sammy, is a huge Labrador cross. have to fit these three and Louis into an Audi TT. thought Louis would wet himself laughing as manoeuvred the car the 400 yards to the surgery. We have no collars or leads for the dogs so when we burst into the surgery we caused a bit of a stir. I finally manage to get them all to sit, stay and then go in one by one for their jabs. Get home covered in hair and Louis still laughing. He obviously feels better.

Dynamite Di phones and is highly hacked off by the cold weather. As the call progresses, we decide we need to get away to the sun. As soon as I hang up the phone rings again. It's my dad telling me he and mum are in South Africa on holiday at the moment. 'How is it?' I ask. 'Och, I'm just away off to book a tandem paragliding lesson,' he says, nonchalantly. 'You're what?', I ask, worried.Well, he is 75. Take the executive decision to go and watch. Phone Dynamite who gets on the internet and books flights to Cape Town. Yahoo. Dave is all for it. Not only does he get rid of me for a week but he won't get this head nipped the next time he goes fishing for a few days.

It's half-term weekend so the house is filled with friends and their kids.They arrive at 5pm and we start gossiping and eating straight away. By 8pm we are still sitting in the kitchen talking and have started on the wine. Dave did the food and although there were only six of us, he made enough to feed 500. Just as, well really, the amount of wine being drunk meant we needed something lining our stomachs. By midnight we're dancing, by 3am Dave is asleep on the table and by 4am I'm trying to play our Shrek DVD on the stereo.

House looks like it has been burgled. Leave the tidying up and go for a swim. Floating around then sitting in the steam room for an hour or so helps me get rid of my hangover. Feeling refreshed, head to the video shop and get Bruce Almighty. Not a big Jim Carrey fan but this was a brilliant film, made even more enjoyable by the ice cream and Maltesers I scoffed while watching it.

Off to London tomorrow so have an early night.