Alison's Diary; Crying babies, missing dogs, freezing weather,fattening eclairs, a hungover husband and too much gin... they all contributed to this mother's ruin.

Byline: Alison Craig

MONDAY

KIDS are off school and it's pouring with rain. Don't know what to do with the lively one so take him and his pal to Ocean Terminal where we see Monsters, Inc. Grown woman crying at animation shocker... I know they are just drawings of big fluffy imaginary animals, but I had a good greet much to Louis's amusement. "You're not crying are you?" he screeched as the tears ran down my not insubstantial cheeks. God. Repaired my eyeballs in the loo before going along to the dinosaurs exhibition. Brilliant wee exhibition of animatronic dinosaurs... this time Louis's eyeballs were bulging out of their sockets when the T Rex's giant head came to life and started roaring. Met Derek Preston, crimper to the stars, for lunch at Zinc - had a salad and then ate Louis's leftover chips and burger. Derek had terrible toothache so couldn't eat his meal... waste not, want not is my motto.

TUESDAY

SITTING having tea and I can't find the dog again. After last week's disappearing act I went rushing off to find her. "She's under the table here," said Louis, "she sits there cos I'm a child and she knows I'll drop something." What can you say. Opening of The Opal Lounge in Edinburgh - groovy new club/bar/ restaurant. Very stylish and dark and everytime I went to the loo it took me about five years to find the table again. Dynamite came back from the loo laughing. "What's up with you?" I asked. Well, she, too, had got lost on the way to the loo so she spotted someone wearing the same top as her and thought "ooh, she looks nice and friendly. I'll ask her." Halfway through the question she realised she was talking to her reflection in a mirror. Had more gin and a good laugh.

WEDNESDAY

NOW I know why gin is called Mother's ruin. God. Snowy morning and then very sunny so headed out to see my Auntie Joyce who is animal mad and has hens, sheep and dogs. Went round the dog obstacle course with the dogs, then with Louis and then I tried but came a cropper taking the high fence. Covered in mud, I retired hurt to M&S. Bad idea to go shopping with a hangover... bought a lot of fattening stuff. Looked like Worzel Gummidge in the supermarket, lots of suits out and about and me with muddy bum and smeared waterproof jacket - stylish. Never go shopping on an empty stomach and a hangover - bought chocolate eclairs and deep-fried chicken and chips. Got home and ate the two eclairs then felt disgusted with my lack of self-control. Go back to the shops - no actual food for tea.

THURSDAY

DROPPED Louis at school and then off to Aberdeen to present the Iain Anderson Show on BBC Radio Scotland. Great fun, but for some reason just after I went live on air the piece of paper with the show's phone number slipped out of sight and thinking I could remember it I gave one from the top of my head. It turned out to be for train inquiries. Listeners kept phoning and asking the time of the next train from Inverness. At night went out with Sarah, my al' chum fae Aiberdeen, for a meal. Had a right laugh and stayed sober - it can be done, M'Lud. Meanwhile, Dave was in Edinburgh going to some bankers' dinner - he said he would be good in my absence... mmmn.

FRIDAY

SARAH'S wee baby Lloyd was up on the hour every hour - just as well he's cute! All maternal instinct on hold for the day. Spoke to Dave about 9am - he sounds like a gargoyle and I suspect he had a rather later night than he is admitting to me. Forth Road Bridge is closed and I get back to the Central Belt via Auchtermuchty! Made much more pleasant by a wee sojourn into a cafe where the lady gave me my coffee and bun for nothing as she loves the column. Met on the doorstep by Casper the sheepish ghost - aka the husband. I don't think he got to bed till about 7am. It means he is my slave for 24 hours and I will make the most of it.

SATURDAY

WILD day. Very tired and happy to do very little. Almost took Louis swimming but my slave offered. Head off down South to stay with chums. Not party animals and I am convinced they look 10 years younger than us. Can it really take that much of a toll on the face and body of a hedonist? A quick glance in the mirror gives the answer - yes.

SUNDAY

DROVE home in gales and sna' dreaming of Sydney - I've never been, but given our weather it won't be long. Put on a long frock and watch the BAFTAs. Loved it. Lovie special but what about Warren Beatty. Sex symbol my eye. Take away the hair - which I expect he does every night before bed - and he turned into Alf Garnett.