Alison's Diary: The birds lie in wait in the trees until they see their meal ticket me then come down. It's like Hitchcock's film.

Byline: ALISON CRAIG

Monday It's my first full day on holiday in Tobago. Sit on the balcony drinking coffee and wonder if someone has spiked it with some sort of hallucinogenic substance as a myriad of brightly coloured birds fly down to have a look at me.

They are joined by red squirrels, metre-long lizards that are about the same size as my mongrel Flora and a big bolshie cockerel and his harem.

Tobago's national bird is called a cocorico and looks like a cross between a peacock and a pheasant. They watch us from the tree-tops while making noises like air horns. give them the evil eye every time they open their beaks to shriek but it doesn't scare them off. I feel like I am in an episode of David Attenborough's Life on Earth. Tuesday The beach is right beside us and is so beautiful they even filmed the movie Swiss Family Robinson here. The sand is white, the sea is turquoise and there are coconut palms dotted along the shore. Choosing to forget my white flesh is like a landing light of wobbly horror compared to the tanned, fit bodies of the locals, I leap into the sea. The waves are great fun and are just big enough to go body surfing. emerge breathless and with a half-hundred weight of sand secreted in various parts of my swimsuit.

I retire to sunbathe and have to put up with the hooting laughter of my family as my body parts regularly escape the confines of my swimsuit. Slap on factor 30 and lie toasting for the day. Head out in the evening to a nearby restaurant where Louis promptly falls asleep with his head on the table Tobago social services will probably come and get us. Dave and I eat then have an early night as we're still not used to the time difference.

Wednesday Head to the main town on the island to buy a surfboard but they cost about pounds 70. Seeing my shocked face, one of the assistants advises us to head to a shop called Stumpys, which is just out of town, as we'll get one there for around pounds 8.

Perfect.

Louis then spends the whole day in the sea, eventually emerging from the water with a rather nasty looking sand rash on his under-carriage. He walks like a saddle-sore John Wayne and is very annoyed when tell him so. About an hour later, he asks me tentatively: 'Mum, am I still walking like Bruce Wayne?' Once stop laughing I explain meant John Wayne, not Bruce Wayne, who is Batman. Louis is still not amused.

Thursday A very excited Dave is going deep sea fishing today and is determined to catch a marlin. He trots on board a boat called Hardplay, run by a Captain Frothy. This sailor could have had a role in Pirates Of The Caribbean he is about 6ft 5in, wears a bandana and has a beard.

Louis' face is a picture when he clocks Frothy he stares at him as though he were some sort of sailing god. It is no surprise when he asks for a bandana about an hour after we dropped Dave off.

Smiling, I tie one of my scarves round his head he seems rather pleased with the result. don't let on that the way I tied it leaves him looking more like Hilda Ogden hiding her rollers than a pirate.

Collect Dave at 5.30pm. He loved the trip even though he didn't catch a marlin and is going out with Captain Frothy again next week.

Friday I should never have started feeding the birds. When I stumble out on to the balcony in the morning it is now like the set from Alfred Hitchcock's classic film The Birds.

They lie in wait in the trees until they see their meal ticket me then come swooping down en masse for their breakfast. This morning, I decide not to feed them and when I come out of the shower there about five birds in the kitchen helping themselves to our food. A mot mot rushes off with a great slice of pineapple while the others dive for cover. I'm sure they are after me.

Saturday It's Louis' friend Narnis' ninth birthday today and we are invited to share his birthday surprise a trip on a very fast speedboat called Cocomotion. The boat is run by a gorgeous bloke called Marlon at least Dave saw one marlin this week.

We board the cigar-shaped boat and it whizzes us up to the other end of the island 24 miles at speed. The water is like glass and we see flying fish. They don't just jump up and down, they fly for about 50 metres. can't believe it. We soon arrive at a deserted beach, where we all plop off the boat and snorkel.

The only downside to being underwater is I can see the amount my flesh undulates which Louis finds highly amusing. Am tempted to tell him that at least don't look like Hilda Ogden but refrain.

We drink rum, coke, eat birthday cake and return back to shore with the boys obsessed with speed boats and the girls in love with Marlon.