After the state breaks up their family, a couple work hard to reunite.

Byline: Bill Bishop The Register-Guard

Not so long ago, Robert and Nadine Wimpy's home was a house of rage, with shouting, time-outs and spankings bad enough that child welfare workers took the two boys and split up the couple 13 months ago.

The juvenile court judge gave them a choice: Lose the kids and stay miserable, or change and get your family back.

They didn't argue over that one.

"I am committed to making these changes, to better myself and my family's lives," Robert says. "Looking back on our lives a year ago, two years ago, I don't understand how we were able to function with the turmoil and chaos we were creating in our own lives because we didn't know any better."

Misery was all Nadine knew about home life.

"My family was riddled with domestic violence,' says Nadine, who grew up in California. "That was everyday stuff."

By the time she fell in love with Robert, she says, she had an attitude armored for self-defense.

"I was done being hurt. I was, `You want to hurt me, I'll hurt you back,' ' she says.

They were 17 and 18 and had a child when they moved in together. They came to Oregon six years ago to escape high rents.

Their fights were verbal and emotional, usually about Robert's drinking or about the amount of time he spent with his friends. They would carry on for days.

"We called each other all kinds of names," Nadine says.

On a summer night in 2000, Robert threw her down on the kitchen floor and had his hands around her throat before he came to his senses.

"I thought: My God! I shared every moment of my life with this person for the past 10 years. What am I doing? I so could have killed her and been oblivious to it," he says.

The neighbors called police, who arrested Robert. But Nadine refused to cooperate for charges to be filed.

"I didn't think it would help anybody," she says.

The couple separated and voluntarily sought counseling.

"I didn't know what I was looking for. I wanted someone to tell me how to fix it. There wasn't a magic answer," she says. "We were trying, not knowing necessarily what we were looking for."

They gained some communication skills. Their fights declined in frequency and intensity. But they continued to spank. A relative called child welfare workers at the Department of Human Services after one spanking incident 13 months ago.

Nadine says she resisted DHS intervention, so child protection workers immediately took the children away and told her she was unable to protect them. That label, "unable to protect," really hurt, Nadine says.

A juvenile court judge ordered the boys into foster care and soon approved a DHS plan for safely reuniting the family.

The plan, which the family had to follow before DHS would allow them to live together again, required Robert to get alcohol treatment, batterer intervention and parenting classes. Nadine was sent to counseling and parenting classes. The judge returned the children to Nadine after a few months, but only allowed Robert to visit.

With everything on the line, the Wimpys say they found what makes them a strong couple.

Robert stepped up time and again in treatment, let his actions do the talking, worked hard, gave up needing to be right all the time, Nadine says. She showed strength and flexibility - taking care of kids, a house, school and counseling - while learning to let go of controlling everything, he says.

It took awhile, but their life gradually started getting better.

"A lot of it is learning to accept other people and their opinions," Robert says. "I used to live my life fueled by hate, anger and rage. I was constantly miserable, making others feel the same way. I don't need that anymore. We've all learned to deal with the individual perspectives and dynamics in a healthy way so it doesn't get to the point where it blows up."

Nadine says the change in their household is dramatic and positive, showing that people can change their behavior and don't deserve to be permanently labeled as "abuser" or "victim."

"The fact DHS came into our lives and put these services into my family has been the best thing that has ever happened. It's been like parenting boot camp," Nadine says. "If you just walk away, you're only going to take the problems with you and give them to someone else."

But the changes are only taking root, she adds. The next step is to re-educate the boys to have healthy interactions at home and with others.

United by a DHS-approved visit from Robert on a Saturday morning in August, the couple said they were looking forward to a judge allowing them to reunite permanently.

"To have a judge say, 'You went from this to this,' I just can't wait," Nadine said.

On Oct. 11, a judge told the couple just that, that their example is a "beacon" for other troubled families to follow.

"At first it felt like everyone was out to get us," Nadine says. "We got an opportunity to start over and show our kids we made mistakes and we can do it differently."

After spending 13 months apart so they could bring their family back together, Robert is moving back home on Monday.

CAPTION(S):

With the Wimpy family getting back together again, 5-year-old Alex Wimpy gives his mother, Nadine, a kiss as his 12-year-old brother, Chris, and his father, Robert, finish breakfast. A judge has cleared Robert to move back home after the family spent more than a year apart. Chris Pietsch / The Register-Guard Robert Wimpy plays with his son, Alex, in their Eugene home. With a judge's approval, Wimpy was planning to move back in with his family on Monday. Twelve-year-old Chris Wimpy gets a hug from his mom, Nadine Wimpy, on the porch of their Eugene home. ``We got an opportunity to start over,'' Nadine said. "The fact DHS came into our lives and put these services into my family has been the best thing that has ever happened. It's been like parenting boot camp. If you just walk away, you're only going to take the problems with you and give them to someone else." - NADINE WIMPY