Action, advocacy empower survivors of suicide.

MIAMI -- Transforming grief into action after the suicide of a loved one can be empowering, according to a panel presentation at the annual conference of the American Association of Suicidology.

The four panelists explained how losing a family member to suicide devastated their lives in the short term and how they emerged from the experience to help others distressed by such a tragedy.

"I lost my sister Rhonda 10 years ago; there were no signs. She had purchased a week's worth of groceries the day before," said Donna Cacciatore, director of suicide prevention and volunteer services at the Crisis Center of Tampa Bay (Fla.).

Ms. Cacciatore attended individual therapy for 3 months, stopped, and returned after only 2 weeks. "This is not something you can get over in 3 months," she said.

The first 6 months were the most difficult--a time of shock, guilt, and feelings of isolation. "It was incredibly hard for me to leave the house. Going to group therapy helped me feel like I was not odd. I did not have to explain how I felt," Ms. Cacciatore said. Everyone grieves differently, which was not an easy lesson for Ms. Cacciatore. "I became frustrated with my father and brother. They were not grieving the way I was. They did not want to be part of a support group.

"At first, when I talked about Rhonda, the word 'suicide' was always right behind," Ms. Cacciatore said. "I now define Rhonda by her life and not by her death. I've learned to embrace unexpected reminders of her, such as songs on the radio. I don't think about how I miss her. I think about how she is there with me.

"I have a wound in my heart that will never completely heal," she said. "Rhonda would want me to find happiness, and I have."

"My daughter Beth was one of those people you would never worry about, but she took her own life at the age of 15," said Pam Harrington, Florida representative for the Suicide Prevention Action Network USA Inc. (SPAN USA) and president of the Beth Foundation Inc., Ponte Vedra Beach. "I was in denial that Beth had died, but deep down inside, I knew it was true. I experienced a panic feeling from the moment I woke up until I went to bed at night." Ms. Harrington said. "Those days and months are forever vivid and forever blurred."

She was consumed with trying to find out why her daughter committed suicide until she realized she would never know the answer. "Working through my grief is the hardest thing I've ever done and continue to do. With Beth's death came a fear that no matter what I do, I cannot protect my son or husband," she said. Her advice included taking one day at a time and realizing there will be bad days, such as birthdays and anniversaries.

"About a year after she died, the phone rang, and a man called and asked for Beth. He was calling to ask her to babysit. I almost said, 'Hold on,'" Ms. Harrington recalled.

"I tried to go to a survivor group, but it didn't help me. I learned about SPAN USA and the advocacy letters. I started going store to store selling ads. I started educating people. With SPAN I got a real sense that I was not alone," she said.

Suicide survivors should take care of themselves first before they reach out and help anyone else. "Letting go of all the questions and the guilt was so important so I could focus on the gifts I have in my life. It's hard, [and] you have to live through it, but whatever your path is you will get to a better place," Ms. Harrington noted.

"Our daughter Stephanie was born in 1980. We saw a lot of changes during her first quarter of school--she was sleeping a lot and doing uncharacteristic things. We took her out of school and got her into counseling," said Terry R. Smith, chairman of the Florida Suicide Prevention Coalition in Palm Coast.

"All of a sudden she went through a very low period [and] got involved in drugs, but somehow she came back out of that," Mr. Smith explained. At the end of 2000, she started losing weight dramatically and became socially isolated. Her parents took her to the emergency room against her will and had her admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 days. While she was there, she revealed to her counselor that a neighbor had raped her when she was 9 and 10 years old.

Their daughter entered therapy and "things seemed to be going very well. We were feeling comfortable and happy." Mr. Smith said.

"Then, on Feb. 19, 2001, my wife Valerie and I were playing a round of golf. We came home from golf that day and found her dead," he said. "It's a tragedy, and we have to do something about it." He got involved in suicide prevention, started a scholarship in her name, and began coaching tennis at her high school.

"Try to be proactive; try to change something. She's not here, but she is still making a difference," Mr. Smith said.

"As the wife of a police officer, I knew there was always a chance I would be a widow, but I never thought it would be from suicide," said Teresa Tate, founder of Survivors of Law Enforcement Suicide, Cape Coral, Fla.

Her husband switched to the midnight shift about a year before he died. He became sleep deprived and after 6 months started showing signs of depression.

At an annual physical exam, his doctor suggested antidepressants, "but he didn't want to [take them] because his department was doing random drug tests," Ms. Tate said. "There is not a lot of confidentiality in a police department. That is why it's such a struggle for us to get [police officers] into counseling."

At a follow-up appointment 4 months later, the doctor again suggested antidepressants, and her husband again refused. "A month later he took his life," Ms Tate said. He was 28 years old. "He tried to protect me from a media frenzy by committing suicide two counties away with notes and instructions for the investigating officers on how to tell me: to come to my house out of uniform, use an unmarked car, etc.

"I wish people who take their lives could just see a 10-minute video of what life is like for family and friends after. It took 6 months before I could promise my therapist that I would not harm myself." She said that therapy and support groups helped a great deal. "You have to talk, talk, talk, and talk. That is what helps. I had friends, but they were gone right after the funeral because they could not bear to look at the pain on my face."

Ms. Tate recommends joining a survivor support group. There are organizations for families of police officers killed in the line of duty, but a deep line is drawn between deaths in the line of duty and suicide, she explained. "We are not invited to attend their weekly support group meetings or their national memorial service in D.C." So she got involved in SPAN USA and started her own organization. "I educate police departments about how to help these families."

BY DAMIAN MCNAMARA

Miami Bureau