Absurd meets the obscene; GERMANY 2006 ENGLAND ARMY ON THE MARCH.

Byline: BY JIM SHELLEY

AS is, inexplicably, true of these opening ceremonies, only one word quite captures what we saw in Berlin yesterday: demented.

Perhaps inevitably, there was the usual array of inexplicable imagery: strange, floating mud-huts and the usual, horrible Cirque Du Soleil-style drumming.

While American football entertains fans with semi-clad cheerleaders or pop stars, the World Cup leaves you thinking Jeux Sans Frontieres has a lot to answer for. Stuart Hall would surely have sobbed with laughter at the sight of portly lederhosen-clad men in red ties, funny hats and waistcoats slapping their heels to the sound of a Bavarian oompah band. Madonna eat your heart out.

Amazingly, this unexpected (and frankly unseemly) sight was topped by legions of large men in a menacing circle with HUGE 5-stone bells between their legs - ding-a-lings even Chuck Berry would envy.

They rocked these bells backwards and forwards in a growing frenzy looking as if they were getting a bit too excited - possibly to take their minds off the lederhosen.

The ceremony, Jonathan Pearce said, reflected the theme of the World Cup. A Time To Make Friends? No thank you.

CAPTION(S):

CRAZY CLANG: Bell-ringers get all worked up' CALL THE OOM-PAH: Band advance menacingly