AVOIDING FLU POLITICOS, ATHLETES SHAMELESS.

Byline: Stephanie Becker

IS this what it feels like to be a junkie frantic for a fix? I'm edgy and desperate. I'm contemplating lying to my doctor. I'm scheming to steal from my 16-month-old nephew. And, oh, how I wish I had paid more attention in college. Not to my professors, but to my boyfriend's uncanny skill at acquiring a potpourri of illegal substances despite the threat of federal incarceration.

If only. Then I wouldn't be infected with this epidemic worry about not having a jolt of A/Fujian.

That's right. I'm one of the tens of millions without the wherewithal to get a flu shot. I am devoid of fragile heath, minus any insider connections and unexpectedly too young and too old to qualify for this year's medical equivalent of the Furbie frenzy.

If Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge were rating this debacle of medical prophylaxis, he'd be giving it a Code Scarlet - as in fever.

Alas, many of our leaders in Congress don't seem all that personally concerned. Along with perks such as haircuts and parking spaces, members of Congress ``qualified'' for the viral vaccine. The Senate majority leader, Bill Frist - a doctor no less - gave his blessing to inoculating his fellow legislators. If this were the Titanic, I've no doubt that many members of our fine deliberative body would be waving goodbye from the lifeboats to the women and children up on deck. Goodness gracious, they are all at incredible risk from kissing infectious babies and shaking germy constituents' hands.

It's enough to make a voter hope that the Supreme Court could decide everything from president to water commissioner.

As for those in greatest need, I'm taking my cue from Chicago Bulls basketball player Eric Piatkowski. His greatest defensive move this season may be his rationalization for receiving his shot in the arm. ``We absolutely need them. ... We're going in and out of cold and warm climates.''

Here's a 34-year-old professional athlete whose most notable moment was being fined for egregiously breaking uniform rules by wearing shorts that were too long. He surely ``needs'' the protection afforded to 85-year-old grandmas and babies still lacking the ability to chew bananas.

Consider Piatkowski's standing as the greatest guardsman ever. For the Los Angeles Clippers. They won, what, three games last season? He was traded to the Bulls in Chicago, where it's much, much colder climate than in Los Angeles. The Bulls should let him have big boy shorts.

Facing the Code Scarlet situation, as a stopgap measure, the federal government is hustling up 2 million doses of ``flu mist.'' It's a nasal spray made from the weakened flu strain. Sounds suspiciously like the suggestion that duct tape would protect us from the ravages of biological weaponry.

But, in the great Republican tradition, I'm not going to wait for the government to solve the problem. In 0.17 seconds, Google hooked me into 189,000 sites with home flu remedies.

Here's what I've learned about protecting yourself from the havoc wreaked by influenza: Eat dry toast and bananas. Put three drops of peroxide in the ear (unless the ear is punctured). Take Vitamin C. Lubricate your nose. Get a mommy to massage Vicks Vapor Rub onto your chest. Gargle with sage tea. Drink Linden flower tea with two drops of lemon balm and thyme, which will produce an unusually pungent sweat. One hour after sweating, change your clothing and sheets. Stay away from people. Wash your hands as if you're Lady Macbeth. Drink honey with a teaspoon of cinnamon powder in boiling water with cumin seeds 12 times a day.

Or just call in sick and watch cable TV. That will either make you sicker or induce a miraculous recovery.