AT LEAST YOU CAN'T SWIM IN L.A. AIR.

Byline: KIMIT MUSTON

I was shocked - shocked - to learn that Los Angeles now officially has the worst traffic congestion in the United States. Thank goodness somebody finally did a scientific study to uncover this little-known facet of life in Southern California. You can read the details yourself online at obvious-as-hell.com.

According to the Texas Transportation Institute, which for some reason felt compelled to do this study of traffic congestion in lots of cities outside of Texas, our little pueblo is now the worst traffic mess in world history. Previously, the worst congestion on record occurred in ancient Rome right after a double-header in the Coliseum (Christians v. Lions.). The lion supporters always showed up in force, but after the second game - Lions shut the Christians out, 42 to zip - there was such a chariot jam on the Apian Way that one poor guy, Flabeus Lateus, didn't get home until the Middle Ages.

But now, according to the Texas Transportation Institute, Southern California is the new congestion capital of all time. Which leaves us with something we can brag about at the oxygen bar, I guess. The average commuter in Los Angeles, Ventura and San Diego counties wastes 93 hours a year stuck in traffic, according to these Texans, and that's supposed to be a world record. It certainly makes life in L.A. sound terrible.

But I did a little study of my own. And after hours of intricate and detailed calculations, I discovered there are approximately 365 days in most years. Subtract weekends (104 days) and holidays (eight days), and it turns out we commute to work only 253 days a year. No wonder our economy is in such trouble! Anyway, divide 93 hours by 253 days, and it turns out we only waste about 15 minutes a day in gridlock. Now that doesn't sound so bad, does it? Just 7 1/2 minutes each way.

And what do these Texans mean by ``waste,'' anyway?

Look, at least we're not commuting to and from Houston. That entire trip is a waste. This is L.A., Baby. Parked bumper to bumper on the Sepulveda grade with our air conditioners blowing full blast, our satellite radios blaring and all 16 cylinders of our leased Ferraris revving to the red limit and gobbling a gallon of gas every eight seconds, we are not wasting anything. Not when you look this good. Listen up: A Volkswagen bug slip-streaming behind a mass transit bus down East 19th street in Austin, Texas, is a bigger waste of gasoline than Maria Shriver stop-and-going Arnold's Humvee to Ralphs to pick up hair spray.

Why are we trusting a study from Texans? They've never liked us. Basically, Texas is populated by people who got lost looking for California. And thank goodness they did, too. Have you any idea what California would look like if all those rodeo rejects had figured out which way was west? Orange County, that's what.

Worse - Orange County with high humidity. Humid? The word fails to even begin to describe the climatological status of Texas. ``Moist'' would be a better word. ``Oozy'' would be more accurate. On an average summer afternoon with not a cloud in the sky, Texas has more water floating around in the air than in the Rio Grande. It would rain a lot more often in Texas if the raindrops could just get through all that humidity.

All that airborne moisture supports insect populations of unimaginable size and weight. One night in San Antonio I got jumped by four mosquitoes. I escaped with my life, but they got my wallet. And they drove off in my car. When the cops finally returned it, not only was the gas tank empty, but there were eight empty six packs of Raid in the back seat. We're talking mean mosquitoes. We don't have mosquitoes like that in California. We have condors, but they're smaller.

According to the Texas study, people in Dallas and Fort Worth ``waste'' only 61 hours a year in traffic jams, or about one-third less time than they claim we Californians waste in traffic. But there is productive ``wasted'' time and then there is wasted wasted time. Those 10 minutes Texans waste each day are 10 minutes that could be spent getting on a plane and getting out of Texas. And that is a true waste of time.