AT HOME WITH THE MELDREWS.

Byline: Annie Brown

A NEW survey has identified a previously unknown social group, the Meldrews. Aged between 35 and 54, these middle-aged moaners could teach One Foot in the Grave star Victor a thing or two about complaining, but ANNIE BROWN believes that they may well have a valid point or two. REALLY resent being asked to write this just because I happen to speak my mind.

Moaning, the management call it. I say, what do they know?

A Mori survey found that people aged between 35 and 54 have the most negative outlooks. But that's because we resent being stopped in the street to answer yet another survey.

Can you blame us for whingeing - we are wracked with insecurities and neuroses.

We know that, because our self-help books tell us so and it's important to share our feelings with the group.

It all began when Thatcher snatched our milk and the snatching hasn't stopped since.

We could have it all, we were told.

Women would have careers, equality and independence - and technology would see men working from home and the golf course.

But be careful what you wish for, the dream can turn sour.

We got careers but the 80s work ethos came with it.

Fewer staff, fewer rights, longer hours, lunch at your desk and a degree required to work in a post room.

We've got mobile phones so the boss can always find us and laptops so we can work while waiting for a train that's been hijacked by leaves on the line.

Equality hasn't helped women get the top job but, yippee, we get to retire at 65, just like the men.

Retirement is not a prospect we relish since our pension plans are as worthless as fish wrapper.

And we'll still be paying off the endowment that some charlatan told us would cover the mortgage.

Should we lose our homes, there won't be a council house available, since they were sold off and are now in negative equity.

Women now work like pit ponies and don't have time for children, so they have them later, which increases their chances of miscarriage and cancer.

If they have them younger, they suffer the guilt of leaving their children for work.

Men are confused because new woman has confused them.

They must be willing to hoover but also be a He-Man in bed.

He should have a six-pack like David Beckham, know the new black and should feel free to cry openly if his sperm count is dropping because of chemicals in the food.

We could all stay single and face a future stuck in Sunnyside Home with no offspring visitors and the charges paid from the sale of our houses.

We know we're going to live longer but are obsessed with our health, we count calories, saturated fats and cholesterol and are stuck on the tedium of the treadmill in the gym.

There's a meteor on the way and a hole in the ozone and sunbathing gives us cancer - in fact, just about everything does.

And the NHS we've paid for will make us wait an age to be operated on in a corridor because there are no beds.

But the worst of it is we're aged 35-54 and no one wants to be middle- aged.