APPRECIATION ANCHORS CHILDREN'S HAPPINESS.

Byline: Greg Steckler and Gerald Deskin 

Sometimes excitement is mistaken for happiness. Buy a child a new toy and watch him or her get excited for a while. They look happy, don't they? Unfortunately, they are so quickly bored. Soon there is another request for new toys. The cycle can be endless and the child can never really feel satisfied because there is no real self-esteem being developed.

How can we help our children develop lifelong happiness? The answers are really quite simple.

Children need to develop, learn or inherit an attitude of appreciation and gratitude for the things that are going well. Their health, their ability to function, the fact that they can walk, talk, run, see and hear. The fact that they have food, clothing and shelter. They can simply appreciate a sunny day, a shady tree or a refreshing rain. They need to see what's positive about their life and be grateful. The appreciating of their ``being,'' includes to some degree a level of acceptance of themselves and their life. Acceptance doesn't mean that one isn't interested in improving one's lot in life. It simply means appreciating what they already have and who they already are.

A second approach comes from achieving or accomplishing some goal. The goal may be material such as money, toys, houses, cars, etc. It might be experiences such as riding a bike, sailing around the world, skydiving or overcoming some fear. The goal might be achieving a certain skill or a reward, proclaiming the child's ability. Achieving is healthy and esteeming; being the ``best,'' however, is usually transitory and illusory.

A third approach comes from making others happy, giving to others, helping others, watching them grow and develop; mothering, fathering, mentoring or bringing into life something of beauty that wasn't there before. Growing a plant; raising a pet, helping the family or community with larger projects, can give children a deeply satisfying and meaningful feeling.

Besides these approaches there are attitudes that are also important. A key concept is that imperfection and incompleteness are part of happiness. A happy life always includes limitations, mistakes, obstacles, pain, loss and suffering. These are natural parts of life and need to be expected and accepted in a picture of happiness. Every paradise has a snake. Sometimes you can choose your snake, but you cannot choose to not have one. When this attitude is adopted, criticism, blame and judgment are significantly lessened.

A second important attitude to develop with children is that happiness is an emotional state. As such, it is transitory. Happiness comes and happiness goes. It can be interrupted by anger, fear, sadness, guilt, etc. But like all feelings it will return naturally. One would have to work very hard being critical, suspicious, fearful and judgmental to maintain a long-term unhappy attitude. What is important, is to appreciate when you are feeling happy and not get upset when it leaves.

Thirdly, happiness seems illusive when sought directly. It comes in abundance when one seeks to appreciate what one has or who one is; when one accomplishes a goal; when one serves another, or brings something of beauty into the world. If your child is not happy, perhaps you can direct him or her in one of these directions.

Recommendations: 1. Help your child develop an attitude of gratitude. 2. Set a realistic goal and achieve it. 3. Grow a plant; love a pet, help a friend. 4. Bring something of beauty into existence.