APOCALYPSE, OR A SIMPLE LAPSE?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH Media

Signs that the end of the world is near are supposed to be pretty obvious. Famine. Earthquake. Pestilence. Tom Arnold.

Maybe the air-raid sirens didn't go off, but in the sports media emergency broadcast terror alert system, we're operating at code red levels, baby. The awful truth is out there:

The news: ABC hires Lisa Guerrero as the new sideline reporter for ``Monday Night Football.''

Upon further review: Considering her body of work - and you'd think ABC would seriously do so since it gave her a three-year deal - this should make Howard Cosell turn in his grave.

In a press release issued by the network, practically daring reporters to glean information from it, there's a quote from a Los Angeles Times columnist who recently called her ``the hardest working person in sports.''

That must be a reference to the exhaustive swimsuit spread she did for the Daily News' feature section last summer, which included modeling one eye-catcher from Frederick's of Hollywood while sporting a Dodgers cap.

ABC President George Bodenheimer says Guerrero ``will provide great insights about the game and its players.''

Bodenheimer must be referring to her days as a Rams cheerleader, which led to the entertainment director positions with the Falcons and Patriots. Could also be when he saw her non-Daytime Emmy performance as a soap opera seductress in ``Sunset Beach'' (when she went by her real name, Lisa Coles).

ABC play-by-play man Al Michaels says Guerrero ``will bring to the show a first-rate knowledge of the NFL combined with inquisitiveness and vibrancy. I've watched her develop into a top-notch reporter.''

Michaels must have gotten that impression after reading the body of type wrapped around a revealing spread on her in Stun magazine, where she says: ``I don't ask any stupid questions. I ask real sports questions, because I am a real sports reporter.''

Not to be confused with the quote she gave during a story on her in Maxium magazine while wearing a black teddy: ``Some people think that if you're attractive, you can't be talented, too. Well, I didn't get that memo.''

Michaels also might be thinking of the time he stumbled upon that Fox special a few years back, when she went to Egypt with Hugh Downs for the Geraldo-like ``Opening the Tombs of the Golden Mummies.''

ABC analyst John Madden says that ``every time I saw her work on Fox, I was very impressed with her knowledge of sports.''

Madden must be referring to the deft way Guerrero fended off the flirty boys on a nightly basis on the ``Best Damn Sports Show Period,'' only to retreat to another part of the studio to give updates through the night after everyone went home.

Or possibly Madden confused that with something else, when her recipe for a banana-rum split (serves four) was published during a ``celebrity dish' feature story in TV Guide.

Asked about her hiring in an ESPN.com interview this week, Guerrero/Coles exclaimed: ``Pinch me!''

Thanks, but we'd rather take the road less traveled.

Telling everyone that she's ``not an X's and O's guy,'' she also revealed that: ``I'm a fan. I hope to be a complement to the guys in the booth.''

There's no doubt the compliments will be returned by the gushing media, which saw this ``guy' once do a very nice job as a local sportscaster in the Los Angeles market until it became obvious that how she looked, whom she dated and what men's magazines she could show off in was her strategy to stay employed past her 39th birthday.

Hey, it worked.

When told of the hiring, MSNBC's Keith Olbermann, a frequent Guerrero/Coles critic, didn't blame her as much as those involved with the continued decline of the show: ``It's a complete repudiation of `Monday Night Football''s tradition. Madden and Michaels should walk, and Bodenheimer should be led away in handcuffs.''

And Suzy Kolber should be completely disgusted with this business.

--The news: On Wednesday's ESPN ``SportsCenter,'' Barry Bonds' 73rd home run ball is auctioned off for $450,000, far below the hyped-up seven figures thrown out by giddy anchors and reporters leading up to the live event.

--Upon further review: The seemingly choreographed bidding by 12 registered knuckleheads at the - go figure - ESPN Zone in Times Square took all of four minutes. It moved sluggishly in $25,000 increments from a predetermined $200,000 starting point.

Not even double entendres from auctioneer Cathy Elkies could spice things up. During one lull in the bidding, she looked at someone in the crowd and exclaimed: ``He wants it soooo bad.''

Apparently, not as bad as Todd McFarlane, who later was appropriately amused by the fact that his winning bid didn't even cover the lawyer's fees run up by the two greedy idiots who tied up the courts with their claim of original possession of the dirty horsehide.

--The news: Someone has created ``Lingerie Bowl 2004,'' where 22 young hotties wearing nary a shoulder pad will play a seven-on-seven tackle football game during halftime of the Feb. 1 Super Bowl. It'll cost $19.95 on pay-per-drool.

--Upon further review: At least it's more attractive than a Joey Buttafuco-O.J. Simpson boxing match that's been proposed to steal minutes from people's lives.

In this case, Guerrero/Coles could be a sideline reporter (ABC isn't doing the Super Bowl, so she'll be free) and counsel the participants on becoming real-life TV journalists when the cheering stops and the mandatory botox clause kicks into the contract.

CAPTION(S):

photo, box

Photo:

Among Lisa Guerrero's credentials for being the new sideline reporter for ``Monday Night Football'' is modeling a string bikini from Frederick's of Hollywood for a Daily News feature story last summer. Will she be wearing this in Green Bay in December?

David Sprague/Staff Photographer

Box:

SOUND BYTES

By Tom Hoffarth