ANY SURPRISE THAT CAROLINA IS ALREADY SMOKIN'?

Byline: NORMAN CHAD

Last season's expansion teams, Carolina and Jacksonville, are 1-0. Last season's Super Bowl teams, Dallas and Pittsburgh, are 0-1. What does this mean?

Well, there are two conflicting theories:

1) This means nothing.

2) This means that all 30 NFL teams will be 8-8 this season, except, of course, the Jets, who will finish 0-16.

Ah, but The Man is here today - of relatively sound mind, if not body - to tell you simply:

Carolina is Super Bowl-bound. (Yeah, you heard me. As in Super Bowl XXXI, not some distant Super Bowl with Roman numerals so large Nero would need Newton to add them up for him.)

Jacksonville is just Florida-bound, particularly for home games. (Actually, I think it is possible that the Jaguars will not win a Super Bowl title in their entire franchise history. So we could get to Super Bowl MMMCCCXXXI, and Wayne Weaver still will be stocking shoehorns in late January.)

The Carolina Panthers already are better in one year than the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in 20.

Over their past 12 games (going back to 1995), the Panthers are 8-4. Only Kansas City, Philadelphia and Green Bay have better marks over that span. Carolina has a smart young coach in Dom Capers, an improving young quarterback in Kerry Collins and energetic young cheerleaders who make the Laker Girls look like Regis & Kathie Lee slow-dancing at Arthur Murray.

Plus, Carolina has a deceivingly immense home-field advantage. The Panthers play near massive tobacco farms; most visiting teams are used to a no-smoking setting and, thus, have trouble adjusting.

The Jaguars, meanwhile, still have Tom Coughlin as their leader and Jacksonville as their home. This is not a winning combination, unless you're bent on opening a gun shop in a somewhat sticky, fast-food metropolis. Sure, some people are sweet on Coughlin's paramilitary, paranormal approach, but not me.

Coughlin's team curfew is so tough, pylons have to be in before midnight. Heck, he makes his players do sit-ups before they do sit-ups.

As usual, I'll back up my sassy sentiments with funny money: I'll take Carolina as a three-point underdog at New Orleans and I'll take Houston as a three-point underdog at Jacksonville. Hey, if I'm wrong, you know where to find me, but just don't look.

(Olympic Update: IOC may replace pentathlon at 2000 Games with Deionathon.)

(TV tidbit: You might've noticed that Chris Berman is now doing a halftime gig on ``Monday Night Football.'' That's like Father Guido Sarducci doing Easter Mass at the Vatican.)

As always, all picks against the point spread are for recreational purposes only:

Colts (-5) at Jets: It's ``Welcome Home, Neil O'Donnell Day'' at the Meadowlands. Festive atmosphere to include raucous booing during player introductions, fan fights in end-zone stands and second-half chant of ``Neil Must Go'' from lubed-up locals. (As additional precaution, Jets offense will be first in NFL to add security guard to huddle.) Pick: Colts.

Ravens at Steelers (-3 1/2): Galileo discovered the law that governs the motion of objects near the earth's surface, research considered invaluable today in determining why so many of Vinny Testaverde's and Mike Tomczak's passes fall harmlessly to the ground. Pick: Steelers.

Rams at 49ers (-13): Last season, San Francisco beat St. Louis by scores of 44-10 and 41-13. Once is an accident, twice is a trend. And trends are what allow The Man to fly first-class to Florence to wine and dine some rising, moody divas on a variable-interest MasterCard. Pick: 49ers.

Buccaneers at Lions (-12): Buccaneers lost to Green Bay Sunday, 34-3, but won stadium-tax vote Tuesday, 53-47. Key difference: QB Trent Dilfer did not play Tuesday. Pick: Lions.

Broncos (-2) at Seahawks: Before anyone in Denver gets too excited, consider this sobering fact: The Broncos were outscored by the Jets in the second half last week, 6-0. Pick: Seahawks.

Bears (-1) at Redskins: In first Jimmy Johnson Bowl, former top Cowboys assistants Dave Wannstedt and Norv Turner vie for right to fly to Disney World and muss up their former boss's hair. Pick: Redskins.

Eagles at Packers (-8): God, as you may recall, told DE Reggie White to go to Green Bay. DT Santana Dotson, on the other hand, probably just got a call from his agent. Pick: Packers.

Bengals at Chargers (-6): Dave Shula is 18-47 as an NFL coach. I hate to be the one to say this, but . . . maybe football's not the best line of work for him. Pick: Chargers.

Giants at Cowboys (-9): Reconfigured Texas Stadium now divided into three seating areas: club boxes, upper reserved and dismissed Michael Irvin jurors. Pick: Giants.

Patriots at Bills (-4-1/2): As part of ongoing contract dispute, Buffalo DE Bruce Smith boycotted breakfast buffet Thursday. Pick: Patriots.

Vikings at Falcons (-3): Atlanta QB Jeff George stirred team tempest by installing Caller ID on sideline phone. Pick: Vikings.

Raiders at Chiefs (-6): Chiefs win so ugly, their biggest fan is The Elephant Man. Pick: Raiders.

Dolphins (-5 1/2) at Cardinals: Arizona offense has that Biff Loman look. Pick: Dolphins.

Last week's record: 7-8.