ANTELOPE VALLEY: PUBLIC FORUM : WOMAN'S SUICIDAL PROVOCATION HAUNTS DEPUTY.

I was most interested in the article on ``deputy assisted suicides'' in the Aug. 31, 1997, issue of your paper.

I am a Los Angeles County sheriff's deputy with 15 years on the department. In 1987, while assigned to our Norwalk station, a 29-year-old woman approached me one evening while I was on duty in uniform.

We were both in the emergency room parking lot of a local hospital. She was polite and attractive. She told me that she wanted to talk to me and then was silent. I then began to feel that something was bothering her.

While I asked her if there was something I could do for her, she removed a loaded revolver from her purse and pointed it at me. We were standing approximately 6 feet apart. I withdrew my revolver and fired one round at her, hitting her in the front torso area.

The doctors and nurses at the emergency room came out immediately into the parking lot with a wheeled stretcher, put her on it and rushed her into the emergency room. It reminded me of a ``MASH'' episode.

I stood there stunned. Her blood was on my hands when I applied direct pressure to her wound while awaiting the doctors and nurses. I was trying to rationalize this unprovoked assault on me.

I was transported back to the station to await questioning by our homicide detectives. While there I was informed that the woman had died approximately 1-1/2 hours later at the hospital.

Later that evening when homicide detectives talked with me they showed me a letter that the woman had written prior to the shooting. It read as follows:

``Please forgive me. My intention was never to hurt anyone. This was just a sad and sick ruse to get someone to shoot me. I'm so very sorry for pulling innocent people into this. I just didn't have the nerve to pull the trigger myself.''

The woman left her name, parents' name and address at the end of the note. I learned later that the woman was suffering from depression and had attempted suicide in the past.

Her family and friends wrote me letters after the shooting clearing me of blame, that I was only doing my job and offering me comfort. It helped my pain a little.

I was only 29 years old and a cop for only five years. I had never taken a human life before. I did not feel like Dirty Harry or John Wayne. This was not a movie. I was hurting inside and crying.

The shooting happened on my birthday. Every year after on my birthday I would be reminded of the shooting from the pain I had inside. Her family said that they wanted to meet me. I could not at the time.

I kept pondering what I could have done differently. I had difficulty letting myself off the hook. Seeing other suicides at work later did not help.

I am sure some of my peers who read this may think I am a sissy by my emotions. I am no RoboCop.

Recent events in the past months of my life made me seriously consider writing to the woman's family. I learned that her father had died 10 years ago. I wrote a letter to her mother stating that I wanted to meet her and her family.

It was a difficult letter for me to write. I was concerned of opening old emotional wounds.

I mailed the letter. Five days later I received a letter from the woman's mother. She said she was very glad and surprised to hear from me. She too wanted to meet me and to call her to set up a date.

When I called her later that night and spoke to her, I broke down crying. After 10 years, I still was hurting inside. She spoke to me in a motherly tone of comfort. We set a date to meet, which happened to be my birthday and the 10th anniversary of the shooting.

On a Saturday afternoon this past August, my wife, three small children and I drove from the Antelope Valley down to Lakewood to the mother's home.

Not only was she there, her two sons and daughter, who had driven from their homes in Orange County, Moreno Valley and Temecula with their families, also were there.

It was an emotional time of laughter and tears. We had dinner, took photos and swapped addresses and phone numbers. They were a loving family and gave me comfort through our conversations.

It gave me a great deal of inner healing. But I will always have some pain still inside. We all agreed to stay in contact with each other.

For those people who are considering suicide, it does not solve your problems. You only bring pain to your families and friends.

For those of you who want a police officer to do your suicide for you, you are only passing your pain to him or her and their families. I beseech you to consider counseling or other professional help from families, pastor, doctors, etc.

Life is worth living.

-- Glenn Vincent

Rosamond