AN NFL TEAM IN THE VALLEY? CALL IT THE ROAD RAGE : POTENTIAL STADIUM SITES ABOUND IN REGION.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

The not-so-discrete ransom note sent recently by the National Football League to the greater area of Los Angeles was pretty straightforward: If you want to see a franchise again, you'll deliver a stadium first.

And some are actually trying to meet the hostage demands. In downtown L.A. Over in Carson. Way out in Irvine. Even Ontario (not the one in Canada).

The San Fernando Valley? Not a peep.

Heck, we haven't even come up with a franchise name yet - not that we promote violence, but if the name fits, the Los Angeles Road Rage would be our first choice - let alone a place for them to tear up the turf.

On one hand, that speaks well of our nature to not give in. We've had three glorious NFL-free seasons since the Raiders hit the road.

On the other hand, what are we waiting for, a notarized letter of cityhood?

It's not as if the Valley lacks the real estate, the resources or the rebuild know-how. This is a community that picked itself up from one of the most horrific earthquakes in the country's history and found enough to reconstruct several major shopping malls.

If that doesn't speak volumes about the Valley's can-do attitude, nothing else does.

Serious discussion about a state-of-the-art football stadium in the Valley to house our Road Ragers haven't worked. We've decided to take the shortsighted tactic.

With guns a-blazin', here are the places we'd like considered for a not-so-complex entertainment/athletic complex:

The Sepulveda Dam Basin: Oh, sure, start with the obvious.

Obviously, this would open the floodgates to the NFL's return.

Not that damming up a dry riverbed isn't important. But talk of erecting something of community pride on this 1-square-mile block of marsh has been going on for years. Look around the dam area and there are softball fields and soccer fields. Even cricket fields. No gridirons.

There would be no better place to make a statement than at the intersection of the San Diego and Ventura freeways. Imagine the free advertising that would result from folks stuck in their cars on their daily traffic jam.

If the thought of mucking up the junction with even more congestion sounds ludicrous, consider we're only talking a half-dozen Sundays out of the year - just a couple more if we decide to use it for swap meets (or more like swamp meets) in the off-season.

Ecological surveys, of course, are a must in this area. But it's the Valley's economic state that must be considered first and foremost. Decide which ecosystem is more important.

Realistically, yes, there could be a problem during the winter months with that pesky habit of flooding. Not to worry. We've already tested the waters and can safely say there are architects out there - some even mildly qualified - who'd give their T-square to design what would be the first water-divergent athletic facility.

A stadium on stilts, if you will, that could rise and be lowered hydrodynamically depending on the moisture level.

Anyone ever come up with that idea before?

Mission San Fernando: Michael Ovitz, the DreamWorks dreamer behind the project to build a stadium on a landfill - a landfill! - in Carson, already has his design drawn up. It's a large California mission facade. Every time the home team scores a touchdown, the bells will start ringing.

Hey, here's an idea - we don't need no stinkin' facade. We have the real thing.

Traditionalists who are trying to sell us on the idea of keeping the outer

walls of the downtown Coliseum while upgrading the seating can appreciate this. We have something here that would merge both ideas into one.

Welcome to the first multipurpose church/state landmark in the country, with Sunday services coordinated around kickoff times.

Mission impossible? Well, if the Arizona Cardinals can play in Sun Devil Stadium . . .

Magic Mountain: Maybe a little north than some Valley traditionalists would like, but there is something magic about that place all right.

The parking lot is there. The ancillary amusement center is there. Plenty of lodging. And the Valencia Country Club right across the interstate for your charity golf needs.

The only hitch is we'd probably have to do something about the corporate sponsorship change. When you're dealing with a football team, Six Flags implies an overzealous officiating crew. Usually against the home team.

Sun Valley: The jewel of the Valley junkyards, this Burbank Airport-accessible parcel could be our answer to the Watts Towers.

Think about it: Have all the junk dealers pitch in and construct the greatest tribute to recycling one could ever imagine out of used bumpers, slightly dented fenders and mismatched hubcaps.

Call it Pick-Your-Part Stadium.

The old Busch Gardens site: Ever since Auggie Busch's guys packed up the kegs and Clydesdaled it outta here some 20 years ago, this tourist public place of drunkenness has sadly gone dry.

Considering the freeway access that would bring that chunk of cement on Haskell and Roscoe come alive again, this idea has been fermenting for some time. Imagine the decadent smell of brewers' yeast floating toward Granada Hills from the already constructed self-serve vending vats.

The old Price-Pfister Plant: Panorama City's former monument to toilet construction.

Al Davis, it's all yours.

The foothills of Glendale: That's the site someone suggested to KTTV (Channel 11) sportscaster Randy Kerdoon the other day when he was interviewing sports-bar patrons about new stadium sites.

Kerdoon had to do a double take.

``Just clear out a few buildings,'' the guy continued. ``It's a beautiful area.''

``Am I missing something?'' Kerdoon asked. ``Has this area been discussed before?''

The guy said he didn't think so.

``Then why would you suggest that?'' Kerdoon asked again, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

``Because I live near there,'' he said.

Works for us.

Of course, there are plenty of other areas we can target. But as long as we're on this unrealistic tangent, why not start making a short list of potential franchise owners who could finance such a project.

Like . . . Anna Murdoch. The future ex-Mrs. Rupert Murdoch will soon come into a large chunk of alimony. What better way to extract some revenge - build a stadium with the Aussie's dough, field your own team, then receive more of his money from what he's paying the league in TV rights fees.

Like . . . Howard Baldwin. The L.A. movie producer is currently co-owner of the NHL's Pittsburgh Penguins. He's been in the news lately because the team's other nonsilent partner, Roger Marino, is battling for control. Baldwin has been putting together investors to start a new ownership group.

In Pittsburgh? Keep your dough in L.A., Howie. Have your people call mine and we'll do a lunch, for Pete's sake.

Like . . . Fred Galpin, the Valley's car czar. Pick up a new pickup and watch pro football. Zero down and zero financing.

Like . . . the Green Bay Packers do it. They're publicly owned. If we've gone through the trouble to build out our place, we're keeping it in the family.

Finally, the team itself.

If it's an existing team, we'd like to target the San Francisco 49ers, whose quarterback, Steve Young, actually played his last United States Football League game with the L.A. Express over at Pierce College. Move these guys in by next season and we could call 'em the San Fernando '99ers.

Then again, we admit we're kinda partial to the Road Rage - a gang of over-the-hill players, free agents and guys no one else wanted, Super Bowl bound just like the Carolina Panthers and Jacksonville Jaguars have been since their incarnation a few years ago.

Think about it. It'd be all the rage.

OK, so maybe we're getting ahead of ourselves. Extortion makes us do crazy things. But as soon as someone comes up with that number to Stadiums `R' Us, we're ready to locate and excavate.

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Drawing: (color) no caption (freeway driver)

Jon Gerung/Daily News