ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF WISHING FOR A COLD DAY IN HELL.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Hot as ... With the recent surge in deaths of questionable characters along with temperatures hitting a record-breaking 245 degrees in the San Fernando Valley, a hell spokessatan announced that they'll be sending Enron's Ken Lay, al-Qaida's al Zarqawi and most of Hezbollah fatalities to Chatsworth. ``With the home prices flattening out and with the Saddam verdict coming down, look out Woodland Hills!''

Chain gang: In an attempt to stop the infighting between Roy Romer and Arnold Schwarzenegger, Daryl Hannah has chained herself to the top of the LAUSD superintendent and the governor. ``Until state and local officials learn to get along, Ms. Hannah has pledged to chain herself to the top of wherever there is a problem,'' said the film star's spokesperson. ``Mayor Villaraigosa, Gil Garcetti, Chief Bratton, the entire LAUSD school board, as long as there a person or place to sit on, Ms. Hannah will be chained there.''

Worth a try: In an last-ditch attempt to make their studies more palatable to the White House, scientists have reclassified the destruction of embryonic stem cells during research as ``collateral damage.''

Beauty queen Rico passes out: Ninety minutes after Miss Puerto Rico was named Miss Universe, she fainted. ``It's nothing serious,'' said the pageant's director. ``She just lost a bit of blood to the brain when she found out that her reign as Miss Universe would probably not bring about world peace.''

Out and out news: In this week's People magazine, 'N Sync Lance Bass reveals that he is gay ... but not as gay as his music.

Thinking Ahead: Pamela Anderson confirmed Wednesday she's ready to tie the knot with Kid Rock in France. And California. And Michigan. And Tennessee. ``Besides the opportunity to spread the celebration all over the world,'' explained the 39-year-old poster child for ... posters, ``Just trying to remember everywhere we were married will make divorce that much more difficult.''

Duck: While the U.S. sent Condi Rice to broker peace in the Middle East, Great Britain has offered to send Naomi Campbell. ``We were thinking of sending troops,'' said Prime Minister Tony Blair, ``but when you send Naomi and an unlimited supply of cell phones to throw, people know you're not kidding around.''

We are the enemy: In his column last week, Bill O'Reilly blamed ``San Francisco,'' ``Americans taking trips,'' and our interest in ``BlackBerrys, iPods and video games'' for ``helping fanatical Iranian leaders'' and terrorists. So, if you're planning a drive up to Northern California with the Super Mario Bros, I'd stay clear of Homeland Security.

Cash guzzlers: Exxon Mobil's profits rose 36 percent -- $10 billion! -- the second-largest quarterly profit ever recorded by a publicly traded U.S. company. ``We're tired of making lame excuses for taking advantage of what we're allowed to take advantage of,'' said an Exxon Mobil spokesperson. ``Look, we're an oil company and we make enormous profits on the back of the public's hardship. It's what we do. Quite simply. If you're a duck, you quack. If you own an oil company, you can buy as many ducks as you want.''

Winners & losers: President George W. Bush recently met with the Top 10 finalists from Fox's ``American Idol.'' Finalists for ``So You Want To Be A Superhero'' now plan to meet with John Kerry.

Maybe he can play left field for the Giants: Tour de France winner Floyd Landis tested positive for high levels of testosterone during the race. He denied using any performance-enhancing drugs, then promised the check would be in the mail.