ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF WHEN THE MUSIC STOPS, TAKE A CHAIR.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Trading places: Last week, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa made it clear that he would work to take over the Los Angeles Unified School District. In a total misunderstanding, LAUSD Superintendent Roy Romer immediately started running the city.

Really hidden well: In a surprise to disappointed children, no eggs were found at the White House annual Easter egg hunt. Vice President Dick Cheney blamed faulty intelligence.

Home prices vs. gas: The median price of a San Fernando Valley house soared to a record $615,000 in March, just a shade more than the cost of a tank of gas. And that's not even figuring in the $39 million for elephant housing.

It's not easy: Facing a near crisis, fuel company CEOs say that it's practically impossible to fit any more money into their pockets. "You try to find pants with pockets big enough to hold all this money," complained an anonymous gas company executive. "You think we're happy making ungodly profits while consumers are scrambling to afford a gallon of gas? I'm not saying we're not. I was just asking."

Bye-bye: New White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolton told administrative officials that if they were planning to leave, they should consider doing it now. No-o-o-o. I'm not going to say the president raised his hand.

Only some left behind: To keep funds coming in, many schools across the country are not counting the lower scores of many minority children. "Even more reason for the No Child Left Behind program to continue," said Department of Education Secretary Margaret Spellings. "My dream is that one day we'll be able to count these scores correctly."

Roth jump: Due to poor ratings, ex-Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth is on his way out as the radio replacement for Howard Stern at CBS radio. CBS said that the latest change will not ignore the Roth listener, but refused to name who that listener is.

Snare drum punchline of the week: Chinese President Hu Jintao had lunch this week with President Bush, and an hour later Bush wanted to have lunch with him again. Thankyouverymuch. I'll be here all week.

TomKat birthday dinner: Rumors swirled this past week that Tom Cruise would be eating his new baby's placenta. Nothing could be further from the truth. He'll be eating Brooke Shields' baby's placenta.

Maybe it's Norton that's the hazard: Outgoing Interior Secretary Gale Norton has actually reported that America's wetlands are increasing if you count artificially created water hazards on golf courses. She added that the living standard of Americans is increasing if you average in the income of the people who can afford to join the country clubs where they've created the artificial water hazards.

War over war: Six retired high-ranking military leaders have spoken out against Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, saying that he should resign because of his poor job of running the war in Iraq. In a rather clever response, Rumsfeld brought out six former defense secretaries who told the generals to go to hell.

Scottie, we hardly knew ye: As we say a fond farewell to presidential press secretary Scott McClellan, who without his inclusion would have made this column two inches shorter every week, we also wave good-bye to "blame-gaming," "finger-pointing" and "no commenting on ongoing criminal investigations." White House reporters Helen Thomas and David Gregory will be in mourning until they find someone else to badger.