ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF VALLEY RESIDENTS DEFINITELY ON A HOT STREAK.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

San Fernando Valley cookin'?: Last week, temperatures in Chatsworth reached 350 degrees. If you plan to visit the area, health officials say that you should first let it sit for at least five minutes. As expected, the West Side Chamber of Commerce immediately sent out a release disclosing that the temperature at the beach had ``gone all the way up to a cool 72.''

Sex games: There's a furor over the news that the video game ``Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas'' has some explicit sexual scenes hidden in the DVD. Most of the furor has come from 14-year-old boys who ``can't seem to figure out how to find where those damn scenes are.''

Breaking source news: Unnamed sources in the White House, who have asked to remain anonymous, have told me that they believe that ``sources may be revealed if the unidentified source is sourcing its information from an altogether unknown confidential source.'' More news when someone or another calls ... I think. Just don't quote me on it.

Harry Potter spoiler: Author J.K. Rowling expressed disappointment over her first day - 7 million book sales total. Despite previous assertions that ``Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince'' would be the last in the series, Rowling's publicist now says the unexpected shortfall in sales may force the billionaire into writing Potter No. 7. ``She hadn't planned on this, but what with the meager sales, Ms. Rowling didn't have much of a choice,'' said the unidentified publicist. ``The utility bills for 17 mansions are not cheap.''

Former Burbank mayor arrest update: Burbank City Councilwoman Stacey Murphy, arrested on suspicion of cocaine possession and child endangerment, has been castigated for her vote against council members being drug-tested. Supporters of Murphy, who was arrested with her boyfriend, Scott Schaffer, and brought in on suspicion of trading guns for cocaine with Vineland Boys gang members, feel she's being treated unfairly. ``While Ms. Murphy may have voted against the drug testing,'' said one anonymous council source, ``no one seems to want to give her credit for not opposing the ban on council members trading guns for drugs.''

In other mayoral police blotter news: Acting San Diego Mayor Michael Zucchet almost made it through his entire first 24 hours in office without being convicted of a crime. Replacing the previous mayor, who had resigned in disgrace, Zucchet was convicted of bribery charges on his first day in the mayor's chair. The San Diego City Council is now considering new legislation that would make the mayor's job an hourly position.

Said one unidentified council member, ``It will make untoward behavior by a mayor more difficult to fit in his schedule, though we still have to work out how many times a day the electorate will need to vote.''

Governor terminates contract: Citing nothing illegal or even unethical, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has finally canceled his business arrangement with Give Us Money and We Will Stop Legislation You Don't Want magazine. ``Despite the unfortunate choice of name by the publishers,'' said an unidentified source from Schwarzenegger's office, ``the governor just felt his monthly column and million-dollar contract was a pro-consumer way for him to polish his writing skills.''

The governor still has remaining commitments to write articles for Teachers Don't Appreciate the Privilege of Taking Money Out of Their Own Pocket To Pay for Supplies journal and Union Pensions Kill quarterly.

Karl Rove update: President George W. Bush, who first said that he would fire anyone involved in the leaking, and then said he would fire anyone who committed a crime, has now said that he would fire members of his administration only if those persons have been found guilty of murdering a CIA agent - and they must have been caught on tape - HD quality - and selected as $100,000 winners on ``America's Funniest Videos'' - twice.

The Duke-ster will no longer stir: Randy ``Duke'' Cunningham, R-San Diego, will not seek re-election in 2006, not because he's guilty of anything, but reportedly so he can spend more time with his military contractor's family.

Supreme Court update: Though President Bush has quickly named federal appellate court Judge John Roberts to replace Sandra Day O'Connor, Chief Justice William Rehnquist has thrown an obstacle in the way of the the president's appointment momentum. The sick but determined Rehnquist announced that even if he were to die, he would not step down.

Good for me note: A recent e-mail I received from Queen Ramala Swaray of Liberia, who contacted me in the strictest of confidence, asked that I help her invest the $19 million her late husband left her. I'm not sure how she got my address but - believe it or not - for the advice I give her she'll be splitting the $19 million with me. While we have yet to agree on the details, I only have to send her my Social Security number and bank account number, and it's a done deal.

P.S. Please don't pass this news on to anyone else. As the widowed queen has written, it could blow the whole thing.

Stardate 2005, July 19: Cap'n, he had given it all he's got. Scotty couldn't give no more. Actor James Doohan, Star Trek Enterprise's engineer, Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott, has passed away at 85. In life's final irony, the ``Captain'' beams up Mr. Scott. Thank you, Scotty, for keeping the ship together, taking us where no man has gone before and making it such a fun ride.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Shane Culver, in Harry Potter costume, was among the crowd in New York buying the latest book in the series.

Stephen Chernin/Getty Images

(2 -- color) Actor James Doohan, who played chief engineer Montgomery ``Scotty'' Scott in the ``Star Trek'' TV series and movies, died Wednesday.

Paramount Pictures