ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF UP A TREE WITHOUT A PADDLE -- AGAIN.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Gorgeous blond starlets don't grow on trees? After landowner Ralph Horowitz turned down a nearly $16.5 million offer for his South Los Angeles property that was being used as a farm, police moved in to evict ``farmers'' as well as Daryl Hannah, who had taken up residence in a walnut tree. Hannah, who hadn't had a solid acting part lately, had moved into the tree due to the fact that it was the only place in L.A. she could get for under $17 million.

In related news, Horowitz hasn't taken any of this lying down. The developer has moved his family into a Malibu Beach palm tree.

Where terrorist volunteers come from: Abu Musab al-Zarqawi recently made a surprise visit to Paradise, where 72 virgins immediately volunteered for suicide missions ... anywhere.

Al-Zarqawi replacement ``Idol'': There seems to be a battle brewing between a prematurely gray-haired terrorist from southern Iraq and the beautiful and talented terrorist from the Saudi Arabian Valley.

Immigration laws getting tough: Even though President George W. Bush was only in Iraq for about five hours, he wasn't allowed back into the United States until he promised to learn English.

Connection? Three inmate suicides at Guantanamo Bay were reported immediately after Bill O'Reilly visited the Cuban prison site.

Doin' a heckuva fraud: An audit of Federal Emergency Management Agency distributions to Hurricane Katrina victims revealed more than a $1 billion abuse of disbursements, with some recipients using their funds to purchase vacations, pornographic videos and $200 bottles of champagne from a Hooters restaurant. Investigators aren't questioning the expenditures as much as trying to figure how anyone could pay $200 for a bottle of Andres?

Karl Rove not to be indicted: That should finally put to bed the idea that outing a CIA agent is a bad thing.

Amendments `R' Us: A spokesperson for the National Rifle Association believes the Second Amendment's assurance of a right to bear arms isn't enough protection, announcing the group's support for a flag-burning amendment now being argued in Congress. Apparently it's wrong to burn the flag, but it's OK to shoot it.

Can't see the eyes for the shades: During his press conference this week, the president made the mistake of asking a blind reporter to remove his sunglasses. The president explained that he didn't realize the reporter had a degenerative eye disease. ``I apologized,'' said Bush, ``And just to let him know I meant it, gave him a thumbs up.''

Smart discretion: Denise Brown, sister of the murdered Nicole Brown Simpson, told reporters that she is ``no longer consumed by hate for O.J. Simpson.'' But she still refuses to let him cut the cake at her niece and nephew's birthdays.

He thinks he's so smart: Physicist Stephen Hawking says we are near to learning the exact origin of the universe. After figuring that out the only thing left for man to try to figure out is ...

Give Dad A Break Day: It's the one day a year we dads don't have the last-minute panic of running around trying to find someplace open that will sell us whatever it is we're supposed to buy for our wives. Enjoy!

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Photo:

(color) Actress Daryl Hannah waves as she is removed from a tree in a community farm by authorities in South Los Angeles.

Robyn Beck/GettyImages