ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF THE PARTY'S OVER FOR GOP AND DELAY.

Byline: Steve Young

Jilted: Tom DeLay, ex-R-Texas, said he's dropping out of Congress due to his love for the Republican Party. While the Republican Party said it would continue to like DeLay as a friend, it was seen out on the town with new Majority Leader Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio. "The GOP said they had a really good time and would call," said a tearful DeLay. "I guess I won't be getting my record collection back either."

Jolted: While DeLay hammered his way out of Congress, Rep. Cynthia McKinney, D-Ga., tried to punch her way in. An arrest warrant has been issued for McKinney, who hit a Capitol police officer who didn't recognize her with a cell phone. "I had no control over the phone," said the crazed congresswoman. "I borrowed it from Naomi Campbell."

Commercial instinct: Sharon Stone has announced that she wants to direct "Basic Instinct 3." Stone says she will continue starring in the franchise until people are sick and tired of her uncrossing her legs. Has she seen the grosses on her last film?

Health coverage that works: In a dramatic move to deal with the higher health costs, the Health Insurance Companies of California Association announced they would increase the deductibles on everything they cover to 100 percent. "We realized that to keep premiums down but our profits up we needed to do something radical," said HICCA spokesperson Rip Yuoff. "If anyone has a problem with that, they can just leave us and get universal health care."

"Oh, I forgot," Ripoff chuckled, stroking his long, thin, greasy mustache. "We don't have universal health care."

Katherine leaving Harris? With her Senate campaign staff in full escape mode, Rep. Katherine Harris, R-Fla., has announced that the latest to depart her organization will be herself. "I feel it will be the best thing for my campaign," Harris breathlessly explained to an equally breathless Sean Hannity.

"This can only make my senatorial campaign leaner and more aerodynamic," said the melodramatic congresswoman, looking as if she just barely survived an IED explosion at Nordstrom's makeup counter.

Watch out "Entertainment Tonight": Katie Couric of the "Today Show" is leaving NBC to become prime-time anchor for CBS. CBS president Les Moonves said Couric should bring audiences a more perky newscast. "With the Iraq war, nuclear threat from Iran and global warming," explained Howard Stern's best friend, "Katie's fluffiness will be a welcome distraction from the legitimate news."

Couric would also be brought onto "60 Minutes." "I see Katie as a more adorable Andy Rooney," said an unnamed "60 Minutes" makeup artist. "Keeping her from thinning out her eyebrows will be the toughie."

In an unrelated story, Walter Cronkite turned over in his grave and he isn't even dead.

Underage girls a security risk: Homeland Security Deputy Secretary Brian Doyle was arrested, charged with soliciting sex from someone he thought was a 14-year-old girl. The "girl" was in actuality an undercover Polk County sheriff's computer crimes detective. An unnamed Homeland Security attorney said Doyle believed the underage girl was thinking of driving her bike, armed with anthrax-laden American Girl magazines, into the White House.

Someone in the White House said, "Doyley is doing a heckuva job."

Has Saddam stopped beating his wives? In his trial last week, Saddam Hussein admitted ordering the deaths of hundred of Shiites because he thought they were planning to assassinate him. "They had a fair trial," growled Saddam maniacally. "I asked if they had stopped trying to kill me. Voila guilty."

Hey, ladies, still want to be Tommy's girl? Word is that Tom Cruise will insist on Katie Holmes not screaming while giving birth. No word if Tom will be able to scream when Katie kicks him in the groin for getting her pregnant.

Had a ball: Thank you, UCLA basketball, for giving us a reminder of what it was like. And, most of all, thank you, Coach Wooden, for sticking around to watch it with us.