ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SORRY, D.A., YOU'VE BEEN PUNK'D.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Denver prosecutors, you've been punk'd: With the appearance of Ashton Kutcher at the Denver courthouse, everyone knew something was up. Minutes later, MTV's practical joker revealed that alleged child molester and now unalleged JonBenet Ramsey killer John Mark Karr was actually actor Bill Macy.

``I thought I would split a gut when they fed Bill champagne and shrimp on his flight from Thailand,'' guffawed Demi Moore's child groom. ``I didn't know how long Macy could keep from breaking up. Once the news of his arrest became the big story at Fox News, I thought everyone would figure it was a joke.''

Not to be deterred: Producers for Greta Van Susteren's ``On The Record'' say they will not pull the Karr coverage ``until we can suck out every last second of sensationalism from the story,'' calling their decision one of cable integrity. ``And we still have a load of flashy graphics and eye-catching fonts we have yet to use,'' added Van Susteren.

Discount travel: In an unrelated story, sort-of illegal National Security Agency wiretaps have recorded al-Qaida members planning to confess to bombings they didn't commit to get free business-class travel into the U.S. ``It's easier than sneaking in through Mexico,'' said terrorist expert Iam Listening. ``Though not by much.''

Emmy crashes: This year's Emmy broadcast opened with a spoof of an airplane crash only hours after an actual air disaster killed 49 passengers. ``We were caught off-guard,'' said red-faced Emmy producer Annie Thingforajoke. ``With the short notice, there was just so much we could rework. We barely had enough time to cut the Katrina and World Trade Center gags. And they were classics.''

With him? Come on: Comic Marty Ingels was not permitted to bring a life-size cutout of his gorgeous wife and Emmy nominee Shirley Jones into the awards show. ``We would have allowed the cutout in,'' said security head Nuan Getsin. ``She was hot. It was just that our guards couldn't figure out what the cutout saw in Ingels.''

I thought the camera puts 10 pounds on: Tired of depriving yourself of the food you love? Stressed over not going to the gym you paid big bucks to join? Want to look thinner without actually being thinner? Well, then, the New Katie Couric news diet may be for you.

On the cover of the September issue of the CBS promotional magazine ``Watch,'' Couric appears markedly thinner than she does in person, thanks to a bit of Photoshop touch-up. ``It's the same computer program they use to make Ann Coulter look less evil,'' said CBS chief guy Les Moonves. ``It's just like wearing make-up, except, in this case, when Katie cries, her thinness won't run.''

Wal-Mart raises salaries, sort of: With the hiring of former Clinton advisor Leslie Dach to run a rapid-response team to deal with criticism lobbed at the mini-wage, mega-store, Wal-Mart hopes to show Americans that it truly cares about its personnel. ``In our first move to ward off charges of low worker pay, we at Wal-Mart have raised the average employee's salary nearly 5 percent,'' said Dach. ``Of course, that's due to the fact that I'm being paid $3 million. Still, it's a start.''

Ich bin Rummy: In his speech to the American Legion last week, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld likened critics of President George W. Bush's Iraq policy to those who coddled Adolf Hitler prior to World War II. With Democrats taking offense, Rumsfeld was quick to clarify his statement. ``Goodness gracious, in no way am I saying that Democrats would let Hitler get away with his shenanigans today,'' he chuckled.

``He'd be over 100 and quite frail by now. What I meant to say was that if Democrats had their way back then, Howard Dean would have written the propaganda for Joseph Goebbels, John Murtha would have probably loaded the rifles for the Gestapo and Russ Feingold would be pointing out the homes of all the non-Aryans to the SS. That's all. Gee willikers, you would have thought I said something appalling.''

This just in from the ladies room: With the high interest in CNN anchor Kyra Phillips' catty remarks overheard from her stall in the ladies room during President Bush's speech in New Orleans last Wednesday, cable news networks were scurrying about to take advantage of what might be the latest wave in reporting.

As of this weekend, the new shows will include CSPAN's ``John Talk,'' unedited gossip from the Senate bathrooms of both parties; MSNBC's ``The Straight Poop,'' Keith Olbermann listens in to Bill O'Reilly on potty break; and Fox's ``Wash Your Hands Good,'' takes an in-depth look at Washington insiders' attempt to dry their hands on one-ply toilet paper after the paper towel dispenser runs out.

What's next, Villaraigosa and Romer form a school district together? Elton John is looking to record a hip-hop album with Grammy-winning rap producer Dr. Dre. ``I haven't been embarrassing for such a long time,'' said the former duck-head toupee-wearing, aging pop star. ``I just figured it was time to show just how out of touch I really am.''

The Real Mother's Day: This week the kiddies go back to school, ending their vacation and ... wait for it, wait for it... Mom begins hers.

Thankyouverymuch. I'll be here all week.