ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SHARKS DEVELOP TASTE FOR SPINACH.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Spinach pandemic legal update: 11-year-old Bobby Plunger of West Hills plans to sue his parents over the many years of force-feeding him killer spinach. Lawyers representing children from all over the world have joined in a class-action suit on behalf of every kid who was ever coerced to eat spinach under the premise that it would make them healthy. ``We're planning to look into every disgusting green food they shove at us,'' said 8-year-old attorney Sue Yurpansoff. ``We will not settle for anything less than an extra dessert every single night.''

In a totally unrelated story, near death, Popeye was rushed to the hospital last night with an undetermined illness. Still developing.

Never too late: The oldest fossilized remains of a child -- more than 3 million years old -- were reported this past week after their discovery in an archaeological dig in Ethiopia. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa blamed the ``Dikika'' child's ability to duck school for so long on LAUSD Superintendent Roy Romer, but pledged to bring her back. ``Dikika will be a lot older than the other kids,'' said Deputy Mayor Ramon Cortines, ``but we have pledged to leave no child left behind, no matter how old the child is.''

It's not abuse if we're entertained by it news: A recent L.A. art exhibition sought to depict how world poverty is widely ignored by forcing an Indian elephant to stand eight hours for three days, covered in red paint. Now, in an attempt to balance things out, a rogue artist elephant is planning to paint a human to demonstrate just how asinine a person can be.

The plans are for the painted human to stand naked in a room for hours as people and members of the pachyderm sect gawk at him. ``We'll be ready for the first exhibit just as soon as we scoop up the paint in my cage,'' said Big Painty. ``Hope he likes brown.''

It's only money: It's reported that the family of USC's Heisman trophy winner Reggie Bush received money while the New Orleans Saints rookie running back was attending college. ``I don't see the big deal,'' said USC alumnus O.J. Simpson. ``It's not like he killed anyone.''

Lower than ... A species of shark that walks on its feet has been found in Australia. Word is he walked directly to the bar where he immediately received his law degree.

It wasn't like there was any danger: The debris floating outside the space shuttle Atlantis was finally identified. ``There was really nothing to be concerned with,'' said the shuttle commandeer Brent Jett. ``At first we thought it could be a threat, then it kind of dissolved into nothing.''

NASA scientists say Phil Angelides' chances of winning the governorship were last spotted soaring past the former planet Pluto.

Just say no to the Internet: The White House is planning to distribute anti-drug, public service announcements and videos over YouTube, the popular Internet video service. Colombian drug lords retaliated by announcing they would soon begin to smuggle drugs through MySpace, where they have more than 10 million friends that they've bribed.

What's that smell, tell me what's a happenin'? Hugo Chavez, the wacky nutball who runs Venezuela, called President Bush ``the devil'' during his U.N. speech, and complained that he could still smell the sulfur, referring to the scent of Satan. U.N. President Kofi Annan explained that the smell was neither president Bush or Satan, but the U.N.'s close proximity to New Jersey.

History just takes so-o-o long: In an Oval Office meeting with political talk-show hosts and columnists last week, President George W. Bush said that he considered the spike in killings in Iraq just a ``nanosecond'' in historical terms. Reporters pointed out that the president's historical watch had stopped five years ago.

When you've got it, spend it: Yahoo.com is reported to be offering $1 billion to purchase Facebook.com. ``We have no idea what Facebook does,'' said a Yahoo! spokesman. ``We just have so much freakin' money we're buying everything.''