ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SEND KIEFER TO D.C., HOLLYWOOD.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

It's only TV, guys: Tortured "24" star Keifer Sutherland has accepted an invitation from the U.S. military to talk to cadets at West Point about how it's wrong to torture. While there is no word if he will be giving the same speech at the White House, representatives for television audiences are also requesting that Sutherland speak to network sitcom producers.

Blame game: After weeks of political fighting between the Obama and Clinton staffs, a joint marketing effort was agreed to by the two, which should cut the field down to only the pair of Democrats. "I'm surprised it took this long," said political consultant Spin McFib of the new, joint slogan: "For the last 230 years, no war, no depression, no mistake nor immoral behavior has come under a female or black president."

What else? Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has volunteered to personally mentor a 15-year-old tagging suspect. "Once the mayor figured that he can pretty much get away with five minutes of sleep a night, we found that his 2:55 to 2:57 a.m. block was wide open," said an anonymous member of Villaraigosa's staff.

Wall Street malfunction: This past week, the stock market dropped as much as 500 points during Tuesday's trading. Much of the problem was traced to a computer glitch. "When we got the e-mail that said we only needed to send a few hundred billion dollars to the widow of a Nigerian prince to be cut in on the trillions he left her, well, it seemed a good bet," said broker Chuck Schwab.

Antigens de Spago: A prep cook from Wolfgang Puck's in Hollywood was diagnosed with acute hepatitis, exposing guests to the blood disorder at a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue party at the Pacific Design Center on Valentine's Day. "Sure, they could have gotten sick for a lot less money," said a representative from Puck's catering service, "but our viruses are prepared with the finest viral bacteria you can get sick with today."

Not so secret secrets: In the new book, "Secrets of a Hollywood SuperMadam," author Jody "Babydol" Gibson names former Dodger Manager Tommy Lasorda as a client. Lasorda rejects the claim. "To think that I could actually score when I haven't been able to get to first base for about 20 years is a bit of a stretch," said the bleeding Dodger-blue Hall of Famer.

Pumped up in Anaheim: A report has come out connecting new L.A. Angel outfielder Gary Mathews with a performance-enhancing-drug scandal. The 450-pound, 7-footer, who runs the 100-yard dash in under 5 seconds, said that he will be vindicated.

Girl just want to have fun: Paris Hilton, who remains the last celebutante who has not gone into rehab or jail this month, could face up to three months behind bars after she was caught recklessly driving her $190,000 car -- which was impounded -- on a suspended license. "Ms. Hilton just thought this was a cleaner way to get some publicity than cutting off her hair, getting loaded or throwing a telephone at some lowly maid," said a friend and butler.

"I just thank God she wasn't driving one of her good cars."

Insufficient funds: A 21-year-old man in Indiana tried to cash a $50,000 check allegedly signed by God. "This guy must have thought I was born yesterday," said the bank teller. "I checked. God doesn't have an account in this bank."

Post-Oscar mortem: While many people said last Sunday's Academy Awards show was the most boring Oscars broadcast ever, I found it to be the most entertaining 11 hours of television I've ever seen.