ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO SPOOF SENATOR JOE WON'T GIVE UP.

Byline: STEVE YOUNG

Run, Joe, run: After losing his primary election to political newcomer Ned Lamont, Sen. Joe Lieberman, D-Conn., announced he will run as an independent. And if he loses that race he will run as a Whig.

Time on his hands: Sure to send shock waves throughout the world, Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa has announced that he will be taking over the peace effort in the Middle East. ``Frankly, I think I can do a better job than the United Nations,'' said the workaholic Los Angeles leader.

Asked how he would fit in his new duties while still running a major city, he replied, ``Well, Roy Romer does need something to do,'' Villaraigosa said with a wink, though he may have just had something in his eye.

Riding high: Despite tests to the contrary, Tour de France kind-of champion Floyd Landis says he did not take performance-enhancing drugs. ``I am being targeted by the American-bike-superiority-hating French,'' said Landis, ``and I will be asking that the entire country of France be tested for resentment-enhancing drugs.''

Prices going up? Duh: For closing down its Alaskan pipeline due to corrosion, oil-company CEOs presented BP Oil with the Petroleum Council's Medal of Freedom. ``Corrosion is a natural resource,'' said petroleum council spokesman, Moe Bill. ``This was just a part of intense and costly research into potential alternative fuels like corrosion. The fact that we'll be forced to raise gas prices along with research -- well, we'll have to let our yacht crews deal with that.''

We should have known: Spokespersons for Playboy Inc. spent the week denying that Playboy's playboy, Hugh Hefner, had suffered a stroke. ``This has happened pretty regularly over the past 60 years,'' said spokescenterfold Kandi Korn. ``He didn't have a stroke. We just can't get the smile off his face.''

Lotta bad notes: Approximately 10,000 candidates showed up at the Rose Bowl to audition for ``American Idol.'' The sound was deafening ... thankfully.

Wonder how high his tenants can jump: The U.S. Department of Justice on Monday sued Los Angeles Clippers owner and real-estate mogul Donald Sterling for housing discrimination, claiming he refused to rent apartments to blacks and families with children. Luckily, with few blacks playing in the NBA, Sterling should suffer no backlash.

In the wouldn't-it-be-great news: In a magnanimous gesture to its L.A. customers, someone -- I'm sure -- from the Department of Water and Power will be canceling all the inane charges customers received for the 20-some straight days of 100-degree temperatures. DWP officials have asked not to mention this to anyone else and just make the deduction from your bill.

Pop quiz: Quick, name the Republican senatorial candidate in Connecticut.

It's going around Hollywood: A spokesperson for Robin Williams said the comedian and over-actor is seeking help to fight his alcoholism. ``Since Mr. Williams uses the Pacific Coast Highway quite often, we felt it was best that he sought treatment before he ends up getting sauced and ad-libs attacks about some religion or sect made up of millions of people,'' said comic Joe Kalot. ``Besides, the break will give him a chance to come up with new material, something he hasn't done for 30 years.''

Get a piece of Cher: This October, Cher will be auctioning off 700 personal items for charity -- including furniture, art work, jewelry and her original face and body designed by famed designer Bob Mackie.

Quit it, you guys: Sherman Oaks ``American Idol'' runner-up Katharine McPhee broke her foot. ``AI'' champion Taylor Hicks immediately broke his entire leg.

Covering my bases: Lindsay Lohan failed to show up for work because she was suffering from exhaustion. Naomi Campbell threw a cell phone at someone who worked for her. And Paris Hilton ... well, just Paris Hilton.